"Never let anyone treat you like a yellow starburst. You are a Pink Starburst.”
Attempting to commingle the idea of freedom, it seems a dissolution of other nations is inevitable. Developing countries lack that which I’m dying, trying to relinquish... And all i do is deactivate Facebook and assume, a less tiresome reply. Attempting to commingle the idea of happiness; I look towards the aspiring hues of the gluttonous... Continue Reading →
I’m tired of her shit. Tired of her anger Her lackadaisical nature. I’m tired of her grief And the lack thereof, Her inability to breathe Under an economy so bleak. No simple curtail is in order, She’ll rely on prompt compression For decompression. Her serotonin, soon lonesome Finding notions of emotions, Once flowing. So goodbye,... Continue Reading →
“You cannot afford to be careless with people’s gifts.”
Calloused hands don’t determine the dexterity, one has to offer. Tan lines on imperfect bodies are hard to swallow. Similar journey’s began untarnished, ignorant and lackadaisical. Later Quests fulfilled with a variety of abandonment and astonishments. I’d rather life start taking body parts, dismembering my heart first.
When you have no desire to just fuck. Conquests become less and less Occasionally left to ponder, and second-guess My pill-pusher’s reassurance, “You need this.“
On an island I dug around For decades. Now I’m trudging through quicksand And low sighs. Contemplating past cries, lies, Alibis. Underlying, buried shrines Of past lives... Rest somewhere here, it’s starting- Point hinges On future trajectories So i dig. In the center of my land I find space. Crawling with rage and decay, I... Continue Reading →
Another word I dare to Conceptualize Not just with dictionary.com False or fake? Or just unwilling to Sexualize or serialize An individual unsure She should Intellectualize... Amidst This Coronavirus
Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough
To is not too And it advertently Makes me blue. Sapiosexual Ultimately Currently Asexual in response To your too not meaning Two To me Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough
On And Off My Meds.
Are you aware, How we fear and cower Under your weighted, Passive Aggressive Vibes. Those lovely lies Telling yourself Your chemicals, Better aligned Are so damn fine.
Once again, dawning my robe Thinking of you. Yours, and how comfortable-- In blue. 🎶My mother told me that world has got it's plans. I wanna hold 'em till they burn right through my hands.🎶 That ice on my skin, Burning numb And swallowing me. Like protein and smoke. 🎶But rising on up and then... Continue Reading →
I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →
Undeniable support Yet a reliable sort Of reaction. 250 set my heart aflame, 475 showed no strain.... But 500, Five-oh-one-- Set my lame aim To defame the Counterclaim, Of misnamed fame. I'm left to wonder. 502 and counting to three. Why I can't support me.
I just came upon this old post and found my current medications would be a smart topic. I am now capped, at the dosage of Zoloft a person is allowed. https://wp.me/p9xIGo-86 200mg Zoloft, once a day With 4 sides of Buspar Xanax Oh! Xanax, my coy friend I miss you, dearly. Benedryl, thank you for... Continue Reading →
When I read that book, I know you'll think of me. In juxtaposition... L.I.T.T.E.R.A.L.Y. with the time/ space continuum. The lines will help me realize, that in my deepest despair, the ocean took over mother earth and killed all that was fare. The wine still floweth, unfortunately-- I too long juxtaposed a frivolous reality. That... Continue Reading →
The ends were so brittle Dry And dying of thirst. One cut Two cut Three cut So..... At least I didn’t shave it.
Desensitized To my surroundings. What is Covid 19? Facetiousness and sarcasm Will never decrease Because these meds Have a fucking hold On me.
From the start, Pink Starburst Anxiety was a vehicle for my unconquered demons: a space where my mental health was taken seriously, because no one in my life truly seemed to understand how debilitating my anxiety and depression had become. It seemed to transition over the past year to a blog I’m not quite happy... Continue Reading →
Abrupt and abrasive as they may be, My anxieties are bereavements Coexisting with Covid-19.
It started raining on my way to your place. I took the long way, hoping to calm my incessant nerves. I wondered if the rain was trying to water something in me, I felt so cold, rigid and angry. My thoughts of you weren’t, aren’t fine, kind or blind. And I feel alive for the... Continue Reading →
How many of you made the unfortunate stroll back to your ex due to the Rona? This unfortunate soul did: "See how [she] cowers" No, neither do I. Quarantined enlightenment? Maybe It's ok though. And hopefully if you've made the same trip through this corona-misadventure, you've learned something as well. Diamonds Eyes was always an... Continue Reading →
My anxiety is on blast; Filling that space in my chest: Coronavirus? Cardiac arrest? That fucker I kissed? Back to that gnawing, Sawing, uncontrollable panic. Back to the panxiety; Full pulmonary uncertainty.
I surmised a familiar path, With a new trajectory in mind. I rearranged my brain and heart, And entered four numbers, two times. It was as if I were returning home, It was as if we were streamlined. I pulled up a tiny stool and Noted long, unfamiliar curls-- Quarantined, confined and tied To disfigured... Continue Reading →
Clawing at the core-- Crafting crass cries And Contemplating. Connecting Over Obsessing On ordinary On-cores. *** Vigilant, I've been Vile views, through Various endeavors. Interacting in Insignificant, Irreconcilable Indifferences. Determining if those Damning diamonds are Deemed dangerous In the dankest off times.
I brushed my teeth And braved the world For a box of Bota wine. * -Phone in ziplock -Wallet too -Clorox wipes: a find! * -Keys wiped down (A before and after Routine outside my queue). * Sippin-Sopping wet outside, Less chance for Corona to stew. * I look back at my cat, my oldest... Continue Reading →
I believe I've been jaded By dating. Everything is uncomfortable To the touch. Especially the one who spit In my face. He hangs on too long, after my Half-assed hug. I'm tired of feeling diminished Incomplete Fuck dating....
Making wishes while your eyes well with tears, seems frivolous.
Pop a Xanax. Out of my Zoloft Pop a Xanax. Out of whiskey Pop a Xanax. Desiring toxicity Pop a xanny. Crying because... I popped a xanny.
Mine have never been straight-- Jagged angles sketched By numbered hands. Singularly shattering All laws of degrees. Yet, soft curves continually Consistently, Captivate and crush me. I trace these lines raw Leaving myself susceptible To disease. Leaving myself, Lethargically I'll at fucking ease.
Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →
My heart breaks Because his, is breaking. Loss in passing. Ours, Yours, Mine. We continue; We break: The same.
Is different and Changes With each of us. I'm surviving While existing-- Uncommitted to... Thriving. Undeniably Acquitted of Coexisting With survival.
I led myself to a hard cell. The bruises on my wrist-- Were cuts, Sinking Into the deep absence. I led myself to a hard hell-- The sell of a lifetime. I'm nuts Drinking Into my deep shell.
I've avoided you. The closest capacity Of contemplation Left crass, In avoiding you. I'm sorry. I love you. Not avoiding you... Everything is you.
Not my first trek through this post, but it always grasps my attention. How to Have Kids When You’re Crazy https://thebipolarwriter.blog/2020/01/14/how-to-have-kids-when-youre-crazy/ — Read on thebipolarwriter.blog/2020/01/14/how-to-have-kids-when-youre-crazy/
Tribulations truncated Twisted into tears Or tenaciously troubled By tactless Tiresome Tawdry Tedious Temperamental... Trials, Tasking my tetchy trips... B-b-b-Back..... Towards you: Tinder Trial #2.
Sunday, two-thousand and twenty, Though, Always setting on the twelfth. Sadness sweeps over sleep Uneasy shudders shatter Unextinguished embers. And He's been fucking gone for so fucking long--- My Father. A Not-So-Sweet, Sixteen Years of grief, disbelief And now... She's fucking gone. My Mother. I'm smothered by Seriousness, mixed with Sauvignon. Soundly sinking Into the... Continue Reading →
Flight is booked. Room is booked. My best is getting hitched. * Whiskey Roulette * Often overlooked He'd like me booked My best life? * Whiskey Roulette
Oh, and when his smell Accumulates You are the beauty Of the way your skin... Holds beauty. Deep in the pores Of sustenance. Appreciation, Reality which Doesn't destroy.
If I liked myself more. I'd care about him less. * If I didn't have a thought, I'd already be got. * If I weren't so broken If I weren't left choking-- While it's soaking in * Give Give Give * Taking nothing away Only fully led astray * And it was worthless You were... Continue Reading →
It felt Just like Any Other Nightmare.
Because dreams are Unattainable In moments fixed. Confrontational If not transfixed. Recreational Affixed, mixed and Lackadaisical. Fully betwixt And insatiable.
Send messages Not meant... For anyone? But... The ones That matter Like you? No search terms. No chat rooms Just out in space. For you?
Why are you so dumb? So ignorant Regardless that you're numb.
That you want To make again And again And again.
Decadence Remembrance * All too cloy to employ. * Arrogance Eloquence Fecklessness * A joy? Toy? To destroy? + Fretfulness Helplessness Restlessness * Your golden whipping boy.
The ebb and flow Ejaculates yesterday's soul. The bitter cold Calculates countless roles. So dark, drab, damned Unquestionably sorrowful. December's claim, Driving out ducklings in despair. On the water, Irreprehensible and fair. Deceiver Chased away A long time Coming
So why do these gasps Bring tears and convulsions? Hyperventilations? You've cut the air from My chest, my continued State of unrest--Utter Dissemination
There's a gloomy little fog That lies over, you and me. It rests upon the shores of My safe haven, Cuts along the lines of where I expected us to meet On frequent expeditions * You and Me. * I can only fathom, moments... Of us have passed. But I fake And relate, retaliate-- My... Continue Reading →
It's my first Thanksgiving Without Mom. I made her casserole Without qualm 30 minutes foiled Without time. 45 uncovered Without rhyme. Bottom, left hand corner Without fail-- I tasted, moms wisdom Without curtail. I'll always love to cook Without her But eating, I don't like Without him.
Itching, Eternally Feeling, Physical Bites, Bumps-- Weeks old but still blunt. * Just like her presence In your bed I scratch and it stings Lacerations bleed.
Seasonal or situational? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without my Mother's breath. Without my Father, in depth. With serotonin's constant death. * Self-deprecating or debating? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without his kiss on my forehead. Without any bliss or fortune. Depression is so... fucking... morbid. * Medicating or sedating? Just fucking juxtapose the two,... Continue Reading →
My nails are still painted black. I still have regular panxiety attacks. And your mom is whack. * Haha! Just joking. Love you all, each and everyone of you. For interacting, supporting and inspiring every post I wrote after the first "like" and "follow" on Pink Starburst Anxiety. * I needed you when I still... Continue Reading →
And after my shower. My skin still screams, Tiny bugs or Anxiety's buzz? I continue to cower, Under these layers Of haze and emo bangs. Self-sacrificing, yet dour. I scrub and scrape, My spine quakes alongside sciatic shakes. Has my heart been devoured? Annexed to nothingness? Callous like Xanax?
I gave up on giving myself up, To less than I required-- Desired.
In my wine-drunk rants. I just like to forget what, I can't bear to remember. * I read the messages late. In a more sober state. Tears burn like hot embers. * I never wish you hurt or harmed Though it seems your general state. Depressed again; My natural December fate.
Well, my head. I've been reading the posts I've made over the past 2 years, and I'm astonished at how hope... used to be so dominant, now seems so distant. What is there to even hope for? A refill on my Xanax? I should buy groceries. I should play with my dogs. I should stop... Continue Reading →
Too Careless To Quit. Too Careful To Spare. Too Conniving To Commit.
Again Absorbing Absolutely Anything. * Aggravating Analogies * Abandoning Acquaintances. * Accepting Attractive, Astute Applications * Anchored. Accessible. Ambient. Affectionate. * Apathy An ailment
I skim my snaps and see unfamiliar smiles. Of us, simply serenaded in sweetness. It's astounding: how sadistic, how sorrowful It all seems, sounds, settles: Insta-sad. Substance doesn't seep through, nor sighs. Seeds need substantial sustenance to survive. Yet, this starburst shakes. Depression stays. Anxiety throws her in a sequential haze.
Happiness
He couldn't make me cry this time. He only made the nerves cringe And shake--forced to take... A bar. * He couldn't make me see his side. He claims it wasn't a lying binge. But that trust is covered in rust, Lodestar.
Post-Traumatic Stress... "Just come cuddle me." Predestined, Pressed? "Please, just love me." Passionate- Less. "I think I need... you? Pacifist, Yes. "I knew you were a mess." Painkilling Mess. "Please, before the moment's gone." Pitiful Pitiless
My days *****Accumulating Over *****Time, amount to dark. My haze *****Backdating thousands, Drove her *****Back to Depression. Sideways *****Glances, from diamonds. Joker; *****Smoker; Controller. My gaze: *****Amounts to darkness. Over Time, this heart went dark.
I'm a glutton I enjoy punishment I make a wish-- For hope. Hope I can cherish. Hope I can share. Hope I can live, And smile... on my own.
I was taken aback. The coin randomly popped into my world... Again. So, inevitably, I felt it automatically pop into his. That was how quickly things happened in my oblivious heart. My brain, on the other hand is akin to a toddler with a sluggish cognitive tempo. Of course, he wasn't nearly as impressed by... Continue Reading →
I was a dependent this weekend in Colorado. After a mentally draining Halloween, followed by one of my a run-of-the-mill bouts of situational depression, my amazing Bestie and her Fiancé asked me away on a little Denver vacation. All I needed was cash for the 3 packs of cancer sticks, I would inevitably smoke on... Continue Reading →
There are always voids. Some fill these voids with food. Some with meds. Alcohol. Narcotics. I prefer a more natural approach, But even then... The void, is a void, Within a void of violent Vowing to value vehemence. Over, vanishing. My void-- The Void, My Vanity Visualizes. Valuable love. * Love with the voracity To... Continue Reading →
I smile as I read my first post. We're coming up on the 2nd anniversary of delving into my despair, divorce, desperate attempts at dating and death which dismantled my depressed attempts at adulting. What a day. Black Nail Polish https://pinkstarburstanxiety.wordpress.com/2018/01/10/black-nail-polish/ — Read on pinkstarburstanxiety.wordpress.com/2018/01/10/black-nail-polish/
Recently I've become rather close to one of my friends and last night, after hours of confused crying and doubling up on my Xanax at her place, I was invited on an all expenses paid, weekend getaway with she and her fiancé. Last night they asked; this morning I forgot. Last night I cried and... Continue Reading →
One cannot love for two. Two cannot love for one, That's life.
"Why so serious?" I can't imagine why. My brain aches. My heart breaks. I'm left, then right... Coined as uptight. Fuck my life.
Is Apparently Not For Me
There is nothing less appropriate for a 33 year old woman, then drinking to the point of a Blackout2 hours, unaccounted for. $20, unaccounted for. My car is a mess. Skunk costume, unworn. I drove. Fuck.
Food has always been a touchy subject in my life. Early in life, I struggled with my weight and have never, truly felt comfortable in my own skin. For over a decade, I typically refused to eat in public. Even at 130 pounds, I was so obsessed with not eating around my friends that I... Continue Reading →
Sometimes, I just cry. Even on my meds. Little things-- Mom's granola bar, 10 months past expiration. His invitations My fur-babies. My refrigerator My 600lb life. Out of Xanax. Out of money. Out of family. Just cry, baby girl. Just cry.
The most menial Interaction Where.. I love Support And Juxtapose Reality Willing to ignore Ignite Indignation
Will I Always have you? Will I Grow with you? Or will I Find answers?
Static on the line, I hear it all the time But I'm quiet when you make me fade Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black But I'm brighter when you make me fade You make me fade, you make me fade You make me brighter when you make me fade KFlay has consistently... Continue Reading →
I'm in another funk-- Self-induced and Mind boggling It's what I do. Destroy myself My happy Perpetually Underestimating Overthinking.... Calling myself A Cunt.
Is... Those moments of Certainty On TV-- You're sure, to Never get-- Ugly tears Of happiness.
And I lost "it"-- The label. Forever? I Overthink. After Overthinking, About... Overthinking. Now Just Waiting....
And.... If you aren't Someone-- To someone, Who Is someone To you... Do you... Stretch? Do you Cry? But.... What if Zoloft Or Buspar... Say, "no, Bitch." So you go. You go, And you Instigate The stories, Impositions. And... Quandaries Of contempt, For Xanax... For Your Choices.
He bought me sushi, And I listened to him snore. He lights My soul On fire. Those fucking Diamond eyes.
In those Diamond eyes. Finally. Like Pulling teeth-- Pins And needles-- Vibe. Squashed?Or Squishy?Definitely Sublime. Again-- My Redefined... Clarity.
Potent Fun Anxiety Induced Haze. Do you see anyone other than me? Baby, please I'll take a hit of whatever you got Maybe two, maybe three Oh you're phenomenal, feel like a domino, fall to my knees I am a malady, you are my galaxy, my sweet reliefTired So damn Tired Of this Haze
https://youtu.be/RVErCnCguWE I've been avoiding a call from someone I once knew Ain't got no parachute breaking my fall, believe it's more fun to Not give a fuck for a minute at all, yeah I'm looking for some truth But I'm complacent when facing the wall, know you want me to want you Never took one... Continue Reading →
Electric It handles All the stress My mind It pushes All the meds.
I'm going back-- For seconds. Knowing I'm showing My true self This time around I'm glowing And he's.... A Cunt. Not saying... Just-- Saying.
Happens in Pieces. Where You don't Expect... Repercussions
I'm not dealing With IT. I'm degrading My Shit. I'm still drinking My Wits. Cannot handle My Shit.
Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.
I guess I quit smoking. With my handy dandy Juul. I've lost 2, Bought 2, Owned 3. I quit for a date-- Of the Tinder kind, Alongside, my mother's Recent battle with The C word. I've been surprised, Such an easy switch... Because, I wanted it. It's nice, not needing to buy 2 packs every... Continue Reading →
🎼Go ahead and watch my heart burn With the fire that you started in me But I'll never let you back to put it out🎼 "He wasn't going to come back," I thought to myself. He was going to be the love I lost for no reason--and he hurt ME! He destroyed the Love I... Continue Reading →
Wanna date me? 😂😂😂 Trying to have a light-hearted evening. Couple drinks with my best girls. We are all so different So confrontational So much.... my family.
Tinder.... Ugh. Met one-- Thought of another Messaged a 3rd Sent a selfie to the 4th. None of them, I'm sure. Want me for the long haul.
It is just about time to go visit my pill pusher again. I'm not looking forward to this visit--we spoke about ketamine injections last time, on his suggestion and it has me a tiny bit anxious. Ketamine injections are now approved for treating depression with suicidal thoughts, as well as collaborative depression/anxiety disorders. I don't... Continue Reading →
I have no business dating. I don't even Like me. I am far too insecure I am far too easy To crush.
Cheer up, baby girl. * I love you, Dani. * As my mother laid in bed, on her first evening in hospice--June 11, 2019, I sat to her right side, held her hand and bawled my eyes out. The last coherent words, were for me: "Cheer up, baby girl." On the morning of January 12,... Continue Reading →
My ex-fiancé and I have been seeing a bit more of each other lately. He brought two kids to mom's viewing and funeral last month, most of his family attended as well. On Saturday I asked him about the ac needing charged in my car and within an hour, I was in his parents driveway,... Continue Reading →
Last night, I sat in my garage after midnight and noticed a large spider to my left. Generally, I would leave it be--but it was gigantic and heading towards the pups. I smashed it with the heel of mom's boot that was nearby and hundreds of tiny clones darted in every direction. The fiasco ended... Continue Reading →
Me: Everyone I meet thinks I look more like 25 and not 33. Tinder Guy #2: No you don't. Wow.TG2: I'm more intelligent than you are. He told me this after we had sex one night.Me: I love KFlay TG2: KFlay Sucks. He ended up finding a new girl, while I sat by mom's hospital... Continue Reading →
My mom was still alive. Last time we spoke. The strings, Oh those fucking strings. He pulled them-- Through every Last Nerve. These electric shocks Power Through My body Aches From... detox? I've taken so many pills... Since she took her last
Short-lived, serendipitous and sly, I suppose. It's Sunday, I'm sleep-deprived and solemn, to say.... the slightest? Scorned. Scored? Still insecure. So I escaped. I'm secluded, substantially. Sarcastically scared, scratched and screwed. Sense and sensitivity. Sensibilities are shadows. I am a shadow. Spring stands on my shoulders. I stand on sticks of sacrilegious stares. Searching for... Continue Reading →
It's been storming in Kansas. Flooding, and the like. Tornadoes have been spiking- Lives lost, unsportsmanlike. * I sip boxed wine, from a plastic cup, Taken from my favorite spot. Thunder and lightening, feelings galore, A missed trip to the drugstore. Another Saturday at home, It's what I'm doing now. Drinking wine; wasting time. Asking... Continue Reading →
For Mother's Day I received 6 months Of birth control. Today would be My father's 63rd Birthday. I couldn't imagine Birthing a child, Raising a child, Loving a child-- Making a child happy, Healthy, heroic. So I popped for pills On Mother's Day, One the next. Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat... Retreat.
Hoping this isn't another Anarchist- Annihilating Boisterous- Belittling Conivingly- Congested Disenchantedly- Disconnected Egocentric- Endometrium... Functioning... I'm tired of this "functioning". Gregariousy Gardening Haphazard Homes. Internally Injecting Jacobian Jealously-- Kafkaesque, Kaleidoscopic Lamentations, Lingering Monotonously, Masculine Negotiating, Ovaries-- Overwhelmingly. Persisting, Presidential Quarreling, Quadrants, Repetitively- Repressive Signatures... Suggesting... Tumultuous Turbulence, Undermining Uninterested Vultures, Vaccinated Warriors, Weeping With Xanax,... Continue Reading →
Was over a year ago. 2006 Silver Saturn Vue-- And by the way, That's my usual level Of gas, In my tank. My output was 60 hours My input valued at 12. But that's positive, Unusual. She started making Noises, Similar to... My mother-- That ball rattling, Up the cylinder, with every inhale, Hard suck.... Continue Reading →
I wish I knew why my brain doesn't work quite as well as I hope it would. I have weeks where I'm not intoxicated a single day (Not Since mom's diagnosis), but I still find my brain shutting completely off. I don't know if it's the anxiety or the depression, but it numbs my brain... Continue Reading →
Sisters-- It's said their sparks Are supposedly, Not sporadically Sensational in sequestering Solidarity. * Your Starburst Seemingly lacks Sisterly spirit. She splinters, She solemnly sleeps In severe solitude. * Her sisters Sentencing her Severely, ceaselessly Shoulder to shoulder Side by side. Sister-like. * Speechless I subside Inside, outside Inside, outside Sleeplessness Suggests This sheep is... Continue Reading →
It's a fact. Only I, And another, Know. He knows, 1,204.5 miles away. I love to live.The others-- Inconsequential, To say... The least. In this world.1,204.5 miles. And I smile, Upon his voice. He lifts, He only lifts, Me up. Ordinary pleasuresHe, Is not. Extraordinary treasuresHe Is. Not... Beside me.
I am Constantly Incessantly Disappointing * * * Myself
I can only assume this stems from an "ignorance is bliss" platform, but nonetheless I will always choose hard truths. I've been beaten and bruised, internally, for far too long and it diminishes my capacity to trust. Ignorance is not bliss; Thoreau wanted the masses educated, but even in that we find a double edged... Continue Reading →
I don't know what made me think I wanted to start dating again. In December, I downloaded a few dating apps, inevitably went through two terrible dates and an epistolary novel's worth's of messages, until I met a man who I was thoroughly intrigued by. We started messaging the day after my 33rd birthday. Met... Continue Reading →
Too tired to sleep Too anxious to dream My eyes can barely see. These hallways, so long Barren, and dull. I wish I could just Breathe. I warm my coffee With free, fresh-brewed, Cheap and bitter Packets of brown Grit--like dirt. Juxtaposed With a walk, My eyes creep Open. And I decide I'll just get... Continue Reading →
"... I think today is the day." These are the words my mother said this morning, after she woke me up to help her find her pain pills. Last night my oldest sister decided to purchase her a new sorter for the meds she now has to take, everyday--so upon waking up, her confusion was... Continue Reading →
When you're depressed, You're missing out. Life doesn't stop. Death doesn't stop. Cancer doesn't stop. Yet, your demeanor Dwindles to a speck Of what used to be-- Your smile. Your guile. Your wit. Your grip-- Of what matters Outside of yourself-- Diminishes. There is no spark, Unless accompanied By booze, Or pills, Or pot. Your... Continue Reading →
We are given so much, a crutch we take advantage of. And rarely consider, one day our chance will be completely up. We fight when we should embrace, face to facing our fates. And place blame where kisses could erase frivolous debates.
Like the one My dad stuffed With his gun, That time I thought... Like the one I found his stash Of stems and seeds, The last sack he bought. Like the one That sits in my office, Fifteen years later, Visitors sit in that chair. * Like the one My sister bought She brought it... Continue Reading →
It's back I have the flame To prove it. It burns The skin, Unthinkably Torching The unfeeling The undead. I picked a flower Simultaneously Throwing it Back down To the ground. Unnecessary Spoils Of war.
I went out last night with a couple friends for karaoke and a few drinks. After picking up the crew, I decided to partake in a 300ml brownie to take my mind off the shit life I've seemed to find myself in... I WAS sober for 2 weeksThe entire night and my choices were a... Continue Reading →
I cried all night And into the morning. I woke up late And into reality. Puffy eyes mean Double the eyeliner. Puffy eyes mean Today's tears come easy. Too easy at work Too easy in the mirror Too easy with side hugs Too easy like this storm. And it feels like hail.
My stomach is telling me that I'm hungry, but at my pill pusher appointment today my weight was down 10 pounds. He also increased my Zoloft 50% because of the depression. It's not that I'm trying to lose weight, but it was nice that I didn't have to do any work. Waste not, want not:... Continue Reading →
When was the last time I pondered my physical comfort in regards to my mental state? NeverCan you ever be clear-headed when depression and anxiety transcend and gyrate? DoubtfulIt seems, these tingles--the pins and needles are a substrate, commingling with my nerves. MenacingWaking, just to ponder the discomforting sweats, days after my last drops were... Continue Reading →
I hope. Because hope is all I have left. Nothing solidified. Constantly waning through Overdrawn accounts Undervalued character Overused emotions Underused meds Overwhelming doubt Underwhelming encounters Overzealous opinions Underdeveloped romance. Here's to hoping.
Through Those eyes A string Pulls Jerks Tempts And fascinates My dreams. Tugging At My Demons, To Leave. But the Needle Has traveled Through My nervous System Like "Ice and Sugar dust." Woven So Deep Wrapped Around My heart Too neat. A Tapestry Of Thread, Ultimately Pricking Through Each Lobe Of My Jaded Brain, Slipping... Continue Reading →
Followed by 36 hours in bed. Or 40 something hours... I just woke up and don't feel like doing the math. I'm exhausted I need a shower and a pack of smokes. *** Insert Shower *** Roll another smoke from my pouch of Bugler. *** I'm tired of making poor choices but they always seem... Continue Reading →
Cancer found it's first chance to cinch it's claws deep in my chest. No courtesy. Only consequence and cantankerous chemical combinations. Cigarettes and contrived cassonade cause cancer. Cindy consumes and collects these cancerous creations in her company--constantly. Cindy created my chance to comprehend constellations. Calling her Cindy is off-color. I am her child. She is... Continue Reading →
A few nights back I did something I never thought I had in me... I stabbed the Sheetrock with a pair of scissors, out of general, full blown, tear-filled... RAGE. My response was first shock, at my ability to do something so unlike me... secondly, I chose a different tool, a 14 inch paint brush,... Continue Reading →
Last night I drank. Facebook traffic was high. My Snapchat score increased. I drunk text a man. *Insert involuntary giggle* This morning I woke up. I re-read my posts, Social and blog comments, I deleted a few, Out of embarrassment. No one needs to hear every, Single Solitary Selective Section Of my Soul.
Because... I'm alone I drink because I'm sad. Because no one cares To know me, Anymore. Once so brilliant. Vivacious and open. I'm, at most, Just some girl.
My mother has cancer. I don't get paid to work. My mother funds me. My habits lack respect * Why would you neglect that which nourishes you? * My mother has cancer I'm interviewing for jobs My mother has a tumor behind her eye My depression tries to care. * Why the fuck does she... Continue Reading →
It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I found that I can't. And if purple is the color for lovers, Why do I despise it so? I barely know myself. My potential is dying. I'm only good at Crying Smoking Lying-- to myself, Enemy Number One.
With your stolen pants. With your sideways glance With your resting bitch face Such a silly fucking girl-- With your thick eye liner With your unhealed shiner With your need for personal space Such a silly fucking girl-- With your sad blue eyes With your evening cries With your busted, breaking, broken heart. Such as... Continue Reading →
I'm learning to love myself again, again. Again. But it's doubtful I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin. Confusion Is insurmountable, because I have been adored at times Ultimately, I'll slip back into my unprecedented confines. Intimately, Acknowledging every inadequate body and smile line.. It's asinine.
Because otherwise... It's just me.
I don't require men telling me How nice my blue dress looks It's still blue I'm still blue. I'm so fucking over it all. She hates me. He barely likes me. Fuck... I barely like me. So it goes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE8mWOgMpP8 I haven't figured out what love is. Have you? I doubt I am a sociopath, so that's not My delay. What's yours? I mean, I love this song, But it doesn't love me back. A man loves this song, and If it reminds him, of me-- What does that mean? I don't even... Continue Reading →
We both medicate to get through the day. But I don't feel his, fully. Might he diminish mine, early? We both shut down in our own way. But our times are off And it is so early on. How do we traverse these waves? The ebb and flow pulsates, picks up and vibrates my soul,... Continue Reading →
But I was asking, When I put on the first coat of red nail polish. I was asking, For something different, something adventurous in our minds. I put the second coat on and didn't bother with a top coat. Is this where I went wrong? At 33, you'd think I'd be prepared... I'm terrible at... Continue Reading →
I don't know if it's cowardice or just my anxiety, but I've already dealt with too many insights today. Looking forward to comment in the morning with my coffee. Love you all. 🖤
If I ceased to exist, how would you know? As you've noticed, I have these bouts of silence when I'm not proud of myself, but content in just getting by with a lackadaisical existence. To think, this time last year, you, my readers were my best friends--my lifeline--I've told you this. My Crocodile tears Fall... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious heart gets crushed by the depressed and anxious mind.
I feel outside of the atmosphereWhen you are near.Struggling with my intensityI transit to you.And the stars shine in watercolorsOutside of your windows.Where is my oxygen mask? I can'tBreathe, through this attack--Attachment.
