Today

I ONLY have the right parts for your proclivities. 😏 And that makes me smile.

Perchance To Dream

I’m not sure how I sleep at night, But it’s always on your side. I know why I dream some nights, Of you, then find myself waking morose— Cold and alone. A martyr to those past regrets. I can find something of yours, In every room I pass, U Reside and collide in— My home,...

I’ll Bite

Scratch and claw At every little bit I can get. I love what you don’t want me to regret.

I’m OK

I want you to know, that I’m ok. I’ve wrestled with similar demons before, But there’s angelic nature wrapped around this core. I found light in existing by your side; Conquered perceptions and verified a purified image of masculinity. I am better for it; I’ve succumbed to trajectories; I will pray for more. We laid...

Inclusion

You were inclusive that night, Including everything but me, It seemed. Anything but sweet, Morning love interacted with yesterday’s moonshine, Everything aside from “neat“ But that’s sweet, Never can be beat Everyone is rooting against us— It seems you are too. Still, I love you, it seems. Hurting is not your fault, Just my perception...

118 Sunrises

Preceded by 118 sunsets Where my brain let my heart decide Which way to look.

Perception

How, good Sir, can i communicate my perception of myself, when I’m near you. How do I behave, according to plan When you skew The epitome of me. Myself, and my ability To decipher why you’re here With me.

Moments of Glory

“I went to the woods to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” We arrived after dark, fell into the pillow top mattress, cracked a beer and...

What Brought You Here

A lifetime of proposing, An insight, or two. A conundrum of confounding confrontations— Saliva, sativa and sanctuary, To name a few. I put a few specimens into my files, Exposed my abilities, To explain a lack of explanation. I found that I shouldn’t breach my contract, With me, myself, and... You. What brought you here?...

Dark Traditions

Thanksgiving, to the general, undereducated American, is a festival of gratitude—acceptance of difference and a thankfulness towards kinship, humanity. Thanksgiving, to me—is sharing my late mother’s recipes, and cracking jokes like my father did when i wasn’t old enough to drink a beer. Tomorrow, Thanksgiving 2020, We have a pandemic amongst us, which grows more...

It’s Just The Same

I woke up sad; Seasonal depression, I assumed; anxiety: The bi-polar depression— I’ve recently began to assume. But there are new agents, Dismantling my psyche Of human, Sexual, And viral, Proportions. One tested positive The manager too— The rest of us left considering A sadness, surmise, or two. Seasonal suggestions, suggesting I should, “walk it...

PSA: Apologies

The depressed and anxious mind apologizes for neglect by the depressed and anxious mind.

PSA: Comrades.

I woke up the morning of the 2020 presidential election, assuming I would not be voting at the top of the ticket; I pulled up to the polling place, in my small, rural town and showed the face under the mask, alongside my Kansas State ID, and used the “I Voted” stylus to give them...

Sadness

Forgot that was the only girl I know.

He’ll Look

Sadly... There will be times— Men look, For nothing else but an affirmation. That’s me. I’m barely a nod at a beautiful catch. They all, Let me comprehend— My inadequate-ness. “Too lofty” I know. “Too presumptive“ ... I know that too. Thank God! The others ripped out my heart, Over the years— What a cunt—...

Instigating Attacks

Three days in a row Poor choices, across the board Endearing inductions, Reminiscent of times before— But less active in passing. Not passive, and the activity is astounding. Oddly satisfying, but not Increasingly confounding, More positive than not But the pulses through my body Are legitimate— That old anxiety, Throwing quakes and shakes In the...

And A Month Into It

He left patches, And i have... Four pieces i need to connect To lace up my disconnect With two pieces, Velcro, nearly new— A name, an insignia, our two. We thought it’d been laced up, A decade ago, But it fused black marks, Spots filled in that heart, So dark— Forever dark, but warranting Spacious...

How to Love

He’s coming I’m trying How do you figure How Why Would he.... Try, How does love?

Pessimism and Pleasure

Open, but so tired of changing So tired—Of losing control Igniting different places Ignited by and bye, again This Overzealous mind. Days of wine and Roses Quenched breathes on necks Kisses on eyes, Fingers in mouths For giggles and smiles. We started counting: Adding, subtracting and dividing our time. My serotonin was multiplied. And all...

Just An Ember

Of what used to be And... damn, it’s depressing

Friendships Are Hard

The depressed and anxious mind continually stumbles along lines of bipolar acquainting with other humans. . . Some humans I can laugh with, and we’ve laughed together for years, but it’s unlikely I’ll invite them into my personal space—our home is in another place. Some humans are furniture in my favorite spaces, but there is...

That Escalated Quickly

For twelve hours, over a few nights. It happened to happen By happenstance An acquaintance An encounter Over and over again Those electric moments All devilish smiles For miles Likely the closest possibility To experience Prince Charming In this Sea of Fall and fires, I foresee; And through the winter months I assume we’ll continue...

Coming or Going

Experience is rewarding; Bodies collide and disperse along breaking tides of blood, sweat and tears. Experience is growth; Bodies buried deep beneath the Earth and within the heart’s callous surface. Experience is differential: You will never understand or underestimate the opinion, reasoning or conundrum which has mother-fucking-formed my view— or lack thereof. Experience is understanding:...

Seeing Colors

Over the past few months, after months of contemplation, I decided five years was plenty. Though, I think it was more than six—6 years, since my first rendezvous with Paxil, Celexa, Metoprolol, and the like. Those days, I needed control... Insert Grad School A Glorified Hobby My Masterpiece Nonetheless, I gradually discovered, This world sucks...

Off My Meds: Part 1; Recognition

I haven’t had a an all-out panxiety attack since I’ve been off my meds. The thought actually pings me with tiny attacks, but I push out a few proud breaths and The world doesn’t cave in, as it used to. Fall is moving in Ugh, Kansas I’m bored with you.

Confusion

I glaze over reality Why? And when it rocks me Back and forth, Anxiety, once in my body Now my mind. Why do i care, compare, Remain scared? I reject newness, lay it bare I disconnect and can’t correct— They don’t compare. Nothing challenges me, I’m changes in gray atmosphere My brain follows Stagnant, foggy...

Learning To Dance

There are rules I’ve never pondered, And beats I’ve never addressed Left Together Right Together I always seem to miss. * Yesterday’s song was abominable, And my feet, no—my spine was inhospitable. Left Together Right Together And in my stumbles, my sciatic schisms, I materialize perfect delusions Right Together * Serendipitously serenading the floors, my...

Absence Makes

A variety of patterns and projections— Trajectories, And the like. Out of Gravity by Lora Zombie I made absence yours— Collected the stats where you were relaxed; Calculated my tears as transactions. But my degree is in English And dissecting your jeers, Was intersemiotic, not jest. Absence made mountains Intergalactic controversies. Burdening me Insatiably

Three Worlds, One Planet

Attempting to commingle the idea of freedom, it seems a dissolution of other nations is inevitable. Developing countries lack that which I’m dying, trying to relinquish... And all i do is deactivate Facebook and assume, a less tiresome reply. Attempting to commingle the idea of happiness; I look towards the aspiring hues of the gluttonous...

Quitting Her

I’m tired of her shit. Tired of her anger Her lackadaisical nature. I’m tired of her grief And the lack thereof, Her inability to breathe Under an economy so bleak. No simple curtail is in order, She’ll rely on prompt compression For decompression. Her serotonin, soon lonesome Finding notions of emotions, Once flowing. So goodbye,...

Warnings and Repercussions

“You cannot afford to be careless with people’s gifts.”

Thirty-Four And Fragile

Calloused hands don’t determine the dexterity, one has to offer. Tan lines on imperfect bodies are hard to swallow. Similar journey’s began untarnished, ignorant and lackadaisical. Later Quests fulfilled with a variety of abandonment and astonishments. I’d rather life start taking body parts, dismembering my heart first.

Simply Sexless

When you have no desire to just fuck. Conquests become less and less Occasionally left to ponder, and second-guess My pill-pusher’s reassurance, “You need this.“

Lost and Self-Loathing

On an island I dug around For decades. Now I’m trudging through quicksand And low sighs. Contemplating past cries, lies, Alibis. Underlying, buried shrines Of past lives... Rest somewhere here, it’s starting- Point hinges On future trajectories So i dig. In the center of my land I find space. Crawling with rage and decay, I...

Spurious

Another word I dare to Conceptualize Not just with dictionary.com False or fake? Or just unwilling to Sexualize or serialize An individual unsure She should Intellectualize... Amidst This Coronavirus

Tell Me Something Good

Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough

Pterodactyls

To is not too And it advertently Makes me blue. Sapiosexual Ultimately Currently Asexual in response To your too not meaning Two To me Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough

Uncomfortably Numb

On And Off My Meds.

Awareness

Are you aware, How we fear and cower Under your weighted, Passive Aggressive Vibes. Those lovely lies Telling yourself Your chemicals, Better aligned Are so damn fine.

Three Times; Over You

Once again, dawning my robe Thinking of you. Yours, and how comfortable-- In blue. 🎶My mother told me that world has got it's plans. I wanna hold 'em till they burn right through my hands.🎶 That ice on my skin, Burning numb And swallowing me. Like protein and smoke. 🎶But rising on up and then...

To The Core

I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance...

501 And Numb

Undeniable support Yet a reliable sort Of reaction. 250 set my heart aflame, 475 showed no strain.... But 500, Five-oh-one-- Set my lame aim To defame the Counterclaim, Of misnamed fame. I'm left to wonder. 502 and counting to three. Why I can't support me.

All In With Zoloft

I just came upon this old post and found my current medications would be a smart topic. I am now capped, at the dosage of Zoloft a person is allowed. https://wp.me/p9xIGo-86 200mg Zoloft, once a day With 4 sides of Buspar Xanax Oh! Xanax, my coy friend I miss you, dearly. Benedryl, thank you for...

Bubblegum and cigarettes

When I read that book, I know you'll think of me. In juxtaposition... L.I.T.T.E.R.A.L.Y. with the time/ space continuum. The lines will help me realize, that in my deepest despair, the ocean took over mother earth and killed all that was fare. The wine still floweth, unfortunately-- I too long juxtaposed a frivolous reality. That...

Quarantine Cut

The ends were so brittle Dry And dying of thirst. One cut Two cut Three cut So..... At least I didn’t shave it.

Meh, so… Ugh.

Desensitized To my surroundings. What is Covid 19? Facetiousness and sarcasm Will never decrease Because these meds Have a fucking hold On me.

PSA: An Uncomfortable Trajectory

From the start, Pink Starburst Anxiety was a vehicle for my unconquered demons: a space where my mental health was taken seriously, because no one in my life truly seemed to understand how debilitating my anxiety and depression had become. It seemed to transition over the past year to a blog I’m not quite happy...

Anxious Belittling

Abrupt and abrasive as they may be, My anxieties are bereavements Coexisting with Covid-19.

Spare Keys

It started raining on my way to your place. I took the long way, hoping to calm my incessant nerves. I wondered if the rain was trying to water something in me, I felt so cold, rigid and angry. My thoughts of you weren’t, aren’t fine, kind or blind. And I feel alive for the...

No ‘Rona’ Regerts

How many of you made the unfortunate stroll back to your ex due to the Rona? This unfortunate soul did: "See how [she] cowers" No, neither do I. Quarantined enlightenment? Maybe It's ok though. And hopefully if you've made the same trip through this corona-misadventure, you've learned something as well. Diamonds Eyes was always an...

Today

My anxiety is on blast; Filling that space in my chest: Coronavirus? Cardiac arrest? That fucker I kissed? Back to that gnawing, Sawing, uncontrollable panic. Back to the panxiety; Full pulmonary uncertainty.

Disfigured Isolation

I surmised a familiar path, With a new trajectory in mind. I rearranged my brain and heart, And entered four numbers, two times. It was as if I were returning home, It was as if we were streamlined. I pulled up a tiny stool and Noted long, unfamiliar curls-- Quarantined, confined and tied To disfigured...

Crimson Contagion

Clawing at the core-- Crafting crass cries And Contemplating. Connecting Over Obsessing On ordinary On-cores. *** Vigilant, I've been Vile views, through Various endeavors. Interacting in Insignificant, Irreconcilable Indifferences. Determining if those Damning diamonds are Deemed dangerous In the dankest off times.

Comorbid and Covid Habits

I brushed my teeth And braved the world For a box of Bota wine. * -Phone in ziplock -Wallet too -Clorox wipes: a find! * -Keys wiped down (A before and after Routine outside my queue). * Sippin-Sopping wet outside, Less chance for Corona to stew. * I look back at my cat, my oldest...

Bumble Blunders and Uncomfortable, Familiar Hugs

I believe I've been jaded By dating. Everything is uncomfortable To the touch. Especially the one who spit In my face. He hangs on too long, after my Half-assed hug. I'm tired of feeling diminished Incomplete Fuck dating....

11:11

Making wishes while your eyes well with tears, seems frivolous.

Chest Pains

Pop a Xanax. Out of my Zoloft Pop a Xanax. Out of whiskey Pop a Xanax. Desiring toxicity Pop a xanny. Crying because... I popped a xanny.

Drawing Lines

Mine have never been straight-- Jagged angles sketched By numbered hands. Singularly shattering All laws of degrees. Yet, soft curves continually Consistently, Captivate and crush me. I trace these lines raw Leaving myself susceptible To disease. Leaving myself, Lethargically I'll at fucking ease.

Statistically Stagnant

Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms...

WordPress Glitches, Anyone?

Passing

My heart breaks Because his, is breaking. Loss in passing. Ours, Yours, Mine. We continue; We break: The same.

The Act Of Surviving

Is different and Changes With each of us. I'm surviving While existing-- Uncommitted to... Thriving. Undeniably Acquitted of Coexisting With survival.

Under An Influence

I led myself to a hard cell. The bruises on my wrist-- Were cuts, Sinking Into the deep absence. I led myself to a hard hell-- The sell of a lifetime. I'm nuts Drinking Into my deep shell.

15 Days

I've avoided you. The closest capacity Of contemplation Left crass, In avoiding you. I'm sorry. I love you. Not avoiding you... Everything is you.

PSA: Re-Blog; How to Have Kids When You’re Crazy

Not my first trek through this post, but it always grasps my attention. How to Have Kids When You’re Crazy https://thebipolarwriter.blog/2020/01/14/how-to-have-kids-when-youre-crazy/ — Read on thebipolarwriter.blog/2020/01/14/how-to-have-kids-when-youre-crazy/

Tinder on Trial

Tribulations truncated Twisted into tears Or tenaciously troubled By tactless Tiresome Tawdry Tedious Temperamental... Trials, Tasking my tetchy trips... B-b-b-Back..... Towards you: Tinder Trial #2.

Sixteen Sequentially Unsatisfying Years

Sunday, two-thousand and twenty, Though, Always setting on the twelfth. Sadness sweeps over sleep Uneasy shudders shatter Unextinguished embers. And He's been fucking gone for so fucking long--- My Father. A Not-So-Sweet, Sixteen Years of grief, disbelief And now... She's fucking gone. My Mother. I'm smothered by Seriousness, mixed with Sauvignon. Soundly sinking Into the...

Whiskey Roulette and Vegas

Flight is booked. Room is booked. My best is getting hitched. * Whiskey Roulette * Often overlooked He'd like me booked My best life? * Whiskey Roulette

Skin

Oh, and when his smell Accumulates You are the beauty Of the way your skin... Holds beauty. Deep in the pores Of sustenance. Appreciation, Reality which Doesn't destroy.

Worthless

If I liked myself more. I'd care about him less. * If I didn't have a thought, I'd already be got. * If I weren't so broken If I weren't left choking-- While it's soaking in * Give Give Give * Taking nothing away Only fully led astray * And it was worthless You were...

Christmas, Or Something Like It

It felt Just like Any Other Nightmare.

Shatter

Because dreams are Unattainable In moments fixed. Confrontational If not transfixed. Recreational Affixed, mixed and Lackadaisical. Fully betwixt And insatiable.

Do you?

Send messages Not meant... For anyone? But... The ones That matter Like you? No search terms. No chat rooms Just out in space. For you?

Obstinate Headstrong Girl

Why are you so dumb? So ignorant Regardless that you're numb.

Mistakes

That you want To make again And again And again.

When Diamonds Turn To Coal: Part 3; Distance

Decadence Remembrance * All too cloy to employ. * Arrogance Eloquence Fecklessness * A joy? Toy? To destroy? + Fretfulness Helplessness Restlessness * Your golden whipping boy.

On The Water

The ebb and flow Ejaculates yesterday's soul. The bitter cold Calculates countless roles. So dark, drab, damned Unquestionably sorrowful. December's claim, Driving out ducklings in despair. On the water, Irreprehensible and fair. Deceiver Chased away A long time Coming

You’re The Worst

So why do these gasps Bring tears and convulsions? Hyperventilations? You've cut the air from My chest, my continued State of unrest--Utter Dissemination

In The Fog

There's a gloomy little fog That lies over, you and me. It rests upon the shores of My safe haven, Cuts along the lines of where I expected us to meet On frequent expeditions * You and Me. * I can only fathom, moments... Of us have passed. But I fake And relate, retaliate-- My...

Comfort Food:Part 2; Friendsgiving

It's my first Thanksgiving Without Mom. I made her casserole Without qualm 30 minutes foiled Without time. 45 uncovered Without rhyme. Bottom, left hand corner Without fail-- I tasted, moms wisdom Without curtail. I'll always love to cook Without her But eating, I don't like Without him.

Still Scratching

Itching, Eternally Feeling, Physical Bites, Bumps-- Weeks old but still blunt. * Just like her presence In your bed I scratch and it stings Lacerations bleed.

Holidays and Depression

Seasonal or situational? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without my Mother's breath. Without my Father, in depth. With serotonin's constant death. * Self-deprecating or debating? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without his kiss on my forehead. Without any bliss or fortune. Depression is so... fucking... morbid. * Medicating or sedating? Just fucking juxtapose the two,...

Post Two-Hundred and Fifty

My nails are still painted black. I still have regular panxiety attacks. And your mom is whack. * Haha! Just joking. Love you all, each and everyone of you. For interacting, supporting and inspiring every post I wrote after the first "like" and "follow" on Pink Starburst Anxiety. * I needed you when I still...

249 Reasons Why

Afterwards

And after my shower. My skin still screams, Tiny bugs or Anxiety's buzz? I continue to cower, Under these layers Of haze and emo bangs. Self-sacrificing, yet dour. I scrub and scrape, My spine quakes alongside sciatic shakes. Has my heart been devoured? Annexed to nothingness? Callous like Xanax?

I Didn’t Give Him Up

I gave up on giving myself up, To less than I required-- Desired.

No Malicious Intent

In my wine-drunk rants. I just like to forget what, I can't bear to remember. * I read the messages late. In a more sober state. Tears burn like hot embers. * I never wish you hurt or harmed Though it seems your general state. Depressed again; My natural December fate.

Reading Into Your Head

Well, my head. I've been reading the posts I've made over the past 2 years, and I'm astonished at how hope... used to be so dominant, now seems so distant. What is there to even hope for? A refill on my Xanax? I should buy groceries. I should play with my dogs. I should stop...

Two Numb To Care?

Too Careless To Quit. Too Careful To Spare. Too Conniving To Commit.

Alone

Again Absorbing Absolutely Anything. * Aggravating Analogies * Abandoning Acquaintances. * Accepting Attractive, Astute Applications * Anchored. Accessible. Ambient. Affectionate. * Apathy An ailment

When Diamonds Turn to Coal: Part 2; I Can’t Feel Those Photos Anymore

I skim my snaps and see unfamiliar smiles. Of us, simply serenaded in sweetness. It's astounding: how sadistic, how sorrowful It all seems, sounds, settles: Insta-sad. Substance doesn't seep through, nor sighs. Seeds need substantial sustenance to survive. Yet, this starburst shakes. Depression stays. Anxiety throws her in a sequential haze.

Repercussions

Happiness

When Diamonds Turn to Coal: Part 1; Adversary

He couldn't make me cry this time. He only made the nerves cringe And shake--forced to take... A bar. * He couldn't make me see his side. He claims it wasn't a lying binge. But that trust is covered in rust, Lodestar.

Pre-Defensive

Post-Traumatic Stress... "Just come cuddle me." Predestined, Pressed? "Please, just love me." Passionate- Less. "I think I need... you? Pacifist, Yes. "I knew you were a mess." Painkilling Mess. "Please, before the moment's gone." Pitiful Pitiless

Time To Un-Fuck Myself Again

My days *****Accumulating Over *****Time, amount to dark. My haze *****Backdating thousands, Drove her *****Back to Depression. Sideways *****Glances, from diamonds. Joker; *****Smoker; Controller. My gaze: *****Amounts to darkness. Over Time, this heart went dark.

Abandoning Me

I'm a glutton I enjoy punishment I make a wish-- For hope. Hope I can cherish. Hope I can share. Hope I can live, And smile... on my own.

Same

“Just Take The Moon”

I was taken aback. The coin randomly popped into my world... Again. So, inevitably, I felt it automatically pop into his. That was how quickly things happened in my oblivious heart. My brain, on the other hand is akin to a toddler with a sluggish cognitive tempo. Of course, he wasn't nearly as impressed by...

Well, Fuck… Guess We’re not in Colorado Anymore

I was a dependent this weekend in Colorado. After a mentally draining Halloween, followed by one of my a run-of-the-mill bouts of situational depression, my amazing Bestie and her Fiancé asked me away on a little Denver vacation. All I needed was cash for the 3 packs of cancer sticks, I would inevitably smoke on...

Lost or Enlightened?

There are always voids. Some fill these voids with food. Some with meds. Alcohol. Narcotics. I prefer a more natural approach, But even then... The void, is a void, Within a void of violent Vowing to value vehemence. Over, vanishing. My void-- The Void, My Vanity Visualizes. Valuable love. * Love with the voracity To...

A Note on my FIRST BLOG POST—EVER!

I smile as I read my first post. We're coming up on the 2nd anniversary of delving into my despair, divorce, desperate attempts at dating and death which dismantled my depressed attempts at adulting. What a day. Black Nail Polish https://pinkstarburstanxiety.wordpress.com/2018/01/10/black-nail-polish/ — Read on pinkstarburstanxiety.wordpress.com/2018/01/10/black-nail-polish/

Heading Back To Decompress

Recently I've become rather close to one of my friends and last night, after hours of confused crying and doubling up on my Xanax at her place, I was invited on an all expenses paid, weekend getaway with she and her fiancé. Last night they asked; this morning I forgot. Last night I cried and...

Abrupt and Unrequited; Anguish and inconsequential understanding.

One cannot love for two. Two cannot love for one, That's life.

Flippant

"Why so serious?" I can't imagine why. My brain aches. My heart breaks. I'm left, then right... Coined as uptight. Fuck my life.

Longevity

Is Apparently Not For Me

Blackout

There is nothing less appropriate for a 33 year old woman, then drinking to the point of a Blackout2 hours, unaccounted for. $20, unaccounted for. My car is a mess. Skunk costume, unworn. I drove. Fuck.

“Comfort” Food

Food has always been a touchy subject in my life. Early in life, I struggled with my weight and have never, truly felt comfortable in my own skin. For over a decade, I typically refused to eat in public. Even at 130 pounds, I was so obsessed with not eating around my friends that I...

Just Cry

Sometimes, I just cry. Even on my meds. Little things-- Mom's granola bar, 10 months past expiration. His invitations My fur-babies. My refrigerator My 600lb life. Out of Xanax. Out of money. Out of family. Just cry, baby girl. Just cry.

Revenge

The most menial Interaction Where.. I love Support And Juxtapose Reality Willing to ignore Ignite Indignation

Unanswerable

Will I Always have you? Will I Grow with you? Or will I Find answers?

Make Me Fade

Static on the line, I hear it all the time But I'm quiet when you make me fade Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black But I'm brighter when you make me fade You make me fade, you make me fade You make me brighter when you make me fade KFlay has consistently...

My Funk

I'm in another funk-- Self-induced and Mind boggling It's what I do. Destroy myself My happy Perpetually Underestimating Overthinking.... Calling myself A Cunt.

Uncertainty

Is... Those moments of Certainty On TV-- You're sure, to Never get-- Ugly tears Of happiness.

Waiting To…. Just Overthink.

And I lost "it"-- The label. Forever? I Overthink. After Overthinking, About... Overthinking. Now Just Waiting....

Somebody Has Questions

And.... If you aren't Someone-- To someone, Who Is someone To you... Do you... Stretch? Do you Cry? But.... What if Zoloft Or Buspar... Say, "no, Bitch." So you go. You go, And you Instigate The stories, Impositions. And... Quandaries Of contempt, For Xanax... For Your Choices.

First Dates

He bought me sushi, And I listened to him snore. He lights My soul On fire. Those fucking Diamond eyes.

Dark Clarity

In those Diamond eyes. Finally. Like Pulling teeth-- Pins And needles-- Vibe. Squashed?Or Squishy?Definitely Sublime. Again-- My Redefined... Clarity.

Haze

Potent Fun Anxiety Induced Haze. Do you see anyone other than me? Baby, please I'll take a hit of whatever you got Maybe two, maybe three Oh you're phenomenal, feel like a domino, fall to my knees I am a malady, you are my galaxy, my sweet reliefTired So damn Tired Of this Haze

“I’m Good”

https://youtu.be/RVErCnCguWE I've been avoiding a call from someone I once knew Ain't got no parachute breaking my fall, believe it's more fun to Not give a fuck for a minute at all, yeah I'm looking for some truth But I'm complacent when facing the wall, know you want me to want you Never took one...

My Body

Electric It handles All the stress My mind It pushes All the meds.

Seconds

I'm going back-- For seconds. Knowing I'm showing My true self This time around I'm glowing And he's.... A Cunt. Not saying... Just-- Saying.

Life

Happens in Pieces. Where You don't Expect... Repercussions

Not

I'm not dealing With IT. I'm degrading My Shit. I'm still drinking My Wits. Cannot handle My Shit.

Boxed Cab: At the Bar

Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.

Kicking Out the Cancer Sticks

I guess I quit smoking. With my handy dandy Juul. I've lost 2, Bought 2, Owned 3. I quit for a date-- Of the Tinder kind, Alongside, my mother's Recent battle with The C word. I've been surprised, Such an easy switch... Because, I wanted it. It's nice, not needing to buy 2 packs every...

Today’s Doses

When Music Hits

🎼Go ahead and watch my heart burn With the fire that you started in me But I'll never let you back to put it out🎼 "He wasn't going to come back," I thought to myself. He was going to be the love I lost for no reason--and he hurt ME! He destroyed the Love I...

Taking Applications

Wanna date me? 😂😂😂 Trying to have a light-hearted evening. Couple drinks with my best girls. We are all so different So confrontational So much.... my family.

Boys Will Be Boys

Tinder.... Ugh. Met one-- Thought of another Messaged a 3rd Sent a selfie to the 4th. None of them, I'm sure. Want me for the long haul.

Next step: Horse Tranquilizers?!?!

It is just about time to go visit my pill pusher again. I'm not looking forward to this visit--we spoke about ketamine injections last time, on his suggestion and it has me a tiny bit anxious. Ketamine injections are now approved for treating depression with suicidal thoughts, as well as collaborative depression/anxiety disorders. I don't...

Better Off Single

I have no business dating. I don't even Like me. I am far too insecure I am far too easy To crush.

Little Orphan Dani: Part 1; Last Words

Cheer up, baby girl. * I love you, Dani. * As my mother laid in bed, on her first evening in hospice--June 11, 2019, I sat to her right side, held her hand and bawled my eyes out. The last coherent words, were for me: "Cheer up, baby girl." On the morning of January 12,...

Divorced But Never Married: Part 7; Interactions.

My ex-fiancé and I have been seeing a bit more of each other lately. He brought two kids to mom's viewing and funeral last month, most of his family attended as well. On Saturday I asked him about the ac needing charged in my car and within an hour, I was in his parents driveway,...

Grotesque

Last night, I sat in my garage after midnight and noticed a large spider to my left. Generally, I would leave it be--but it was gigantic and heading towards the pups. I smashed it with the heel of mom's boot that was nearby and hundreds of tiny clones darted in every direction. The fiasco ended...

Dating Again: The Things He Told Me

Me: Everyone I meet thinks I look more like 25 and not 33. Tinder Guy #2: No you don't. Wow.TG2: I'm more intelligent than you are. He told me this after we had sex one night.Me: I love KFlay TG2: KFlay Sucks. He ended up finding a new girl, while I sat by mom's hospital...

Still Alive

My mom was still alive. Last time we spoke. The strings, Oh those fucking strings. He pulled them-- Through every Last Nerve. These electric shocks Power Through My body Aches From... detox? I've taken so many pills... Since she took her last

Bad Habits

An Escape

Short-lived, serendipitous and sly, I suppose. It's Sunday, I'm sleep-deprived and solemn, to say.... the slightest? Scorned. Scored? Still insecure. So I escaped. I'm secluded, substantially. Sarcastically scared, scratched and screwed. Sense and sensitivity. Sensibilities are shadows. I am a shadow. Spring stands on my shoulders. I stand on sticks of sacrilegious stares. Searching for...

Boxed Merlot and Burdensome Storms

It's been storming in Kansas. Flooding, and the like. Tornadoes have been spiking- Lives lost, unsportsmanlike. * I sip boxed wine, from a plastic cup, Taken from my favorite spot. Thunder and lightening, feelings galore, A missed trip to the drugstore. Another Saturday at home, It's what I'm doing now. Drinking wine; wasting time. Asking...

Birth Control

For Mother's Day I received 6 months Of birth control. Today would be My father's 63rd Birthday. I couldn't imagine Birthing a child, Raising a child, Loving a child-- Making a child happy, Healthy, heroic. So I popped for pills On Mother's Day, One the next. Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat... Retreat.

Repitition

Hoping this isn't another Anarchist- Annihilating Boisterous- Belittling Conivingly- Congested Disenchantedly- Disconnected Egocentric- Endometrium... Functioning... I'm tired of this "functioning". Gregariousy Gardening Haphazard Homes. Internally Injecting Jacobian Jealously-- Kafkaesque, Kaleidoscopic Lamentations, Lingering Monotonously, Masculine Negotiating, Ovaries-- Overwhelmingly. Persisting, Presidential Quarreling, Quadrants, Repetitively- Repressive Signatures... Suggesting... Tumultuous Turbulence, Undermining Uninterested Vultures, Vaccinated Warriors, Weeping With Xanax,...

My Last Oil Change

Was over a year ago. 2006 Silver Saturn Vue-- And by the way, That's my usual level Of gas, In my tank. My output was 60 hours My input valued at 12. But that's positive, Unusual. She started making Noises, Similar to... My mother-- That ball rattling, Up the cylinder, with every inhale, Hard suck....

“Black Wave”

I wish I knew why my brain doesn't work quite as well as I hope it would. I have weeks where I'm not intoxicated a single day (Not Since mom's diagnosis), but I still find my brain shutting completely off. I don't know if it's the anxiety or the depression, but it numbs my brain...

Not One of Them

Sisters-- It's said their sparks Are supposedly, Not sporadically Sensational in sequestering Solidarity. * Your Starburst Seemingly lacks Sisterly spirit. She splinters, She solemnly sleeps In severe solitude. * Her sisters Sentencing her Severely, ceaselessly Shoulder to shoulder Side by side. Sister-like. * Speechless I subside Inside, outside Inside, outside Sleeplessness Suggests This sheep is...

I’m Too Vulnerable

It's a fact. Only I, And another, Know. He knows, 1,204.5 miles away. I love to live.The others-- Inconsequential, To say... The least. In this world.1,204.5 miles. And I smile, Upon his voice. He lifts, He only lifts, Me up. Ordinary pleasuresHe, Is not. Extraordinary treasuresHe Is. Not... Beside me.

Hard Truth #1

I am Constantly Incessantly Disappointing * * * Myself

Hard Truth or Fine Lies

I can only assume this stems from an "ignorance is bliss" platform, but nonetheless I will always choose hard truths. I've been beaten and bruised, internally, for far too long and it diminishes my capacity to trust. Ignorance is not bliss; Thoreau wanted the masses educated, but even in that we find a double edged...

One+One=Two With Depression and A Million Questions

I don't know what made me think I wanted to start dating again. In December, I downloaded a few dating apps, inevitably went through two terrible dates and an epistolary novel's worth's of messages, until I met a man who I was thoroughly intrigued by. We started messaging the day after my 33rd birthday. Met...

Hospital Hallways at Midnight

Too tired to sleep Too anxious to dream My eyes can barely see. These hallways, so long Barren, and dull. I wish I could just Breathe. I warm my coffee With free, fresh-brewed, Cheap and bitter Packets of brown Grit--like dirt. Juxtaposed With a walk, My eyes creep Open. And I decide I'll just get...

“I’m Not Being Dramatic…”

"... I think today is the day." These are the words my mother said this morning, after she woke me up to help her find her pain pills. Last night my oldest sister decided to purchase her a new sorter for the meds she now has to take, everyday--so upon waking up, her confusion was...