I want you to know, that I’m ok. I’ve wrestled with similar demons before, But there’s angelic nature wrapped around this core. I found light in existing by your side; Conquered perceptions and verified a purified image of masculinity. I am better for it; I’ve succumbed to trajectories; I will pray for more. We laid... Continue Reading →
You were inclusive that night, Including everything but me, It seemed. Anything but sweet, Morning love interacted with yesterday’s moonshine, Everything aside from “neat“ But that’s sweet, Never can be beat Everyone is rooting against us— It seems you are too. Still, I love you, it seems. Hurting is not your fault, Just my perception... Continue Reading →
A lifetime of proposing, An insight, or two. A conundrum of confounding confrontations— Saliva, sativa and sanctuary, To name a few. I put a few specimens into my files, Exposed my abilities, To explain a lack of explanation. I found that I shouldn’t breach my contract, With me, myself, and... You. What brought you here?... Continue Reading →
He left patches, And i have... Four pieces i need to connect To lace up my disconnect With two pieces, Velcro, nearly new— A name, an insignia, our two. We thought it’d been laced up, A decade ago, But it fused black marks, Spots filled in that heart, So dark— Forever dark, but warranting Spacious... Continue Reading →
Open, but so tired of changing So tired—Of losing control Igniting different places Ignited by and bye, again This Overzealous mind. Days of wine and Roses Quenched breathes on necks Kisses on eyes, Fingers in mouths For giggles and smiles. We started counting: Adding, subtracting and dividing our time. My serotonin was multiplied. And all... Continue Reading →
Experience is rewarding; Bodies collide and disperse along breaking tides of blood, sweat and tears. Experience is growth; Bodies buried deep beneath the Earth and within the heart’s callous surface. Experience is differential: You will never understand or underestimate the opinion, reasoning or conundrum which has mother-fucking-formed my view— or lack thereof. Experience is understanding:... Continue Reading →
There are rules I’ve never pondered, And beats I’ve never addressed Left Together Right Together I always seem to miss. * Yesterday’s song was abominable, And my feet, no—my spine was inhospitable. Left Together Right Together And in my stumbles, my sciatic schisms, I materialize perfect delusions Right Together * Serendipitously serenading the floors, my... Continue Reading →
Attempting to commingle the idea of freedom, it seems a dissolution of other nations is inevitable. Developing countries lack that which I’m dying, trying to relinquish... And all i do is deactivate Facebook and assume, a less tiresome reply. Attempting to commingle the idea of happiness; I look towards the aspiring hues of the gluttonous... Continue Reading →
I’m tired of her shit. Tired of her anger Her lackadaisical nature. I’m tired of her grief And the lack thereof, Her inability to breathe Under an economy so bleak. No simple curtail is in order, She’ll rely on prompt compression For decompression. Her serotonin, soon lonesome Finding notions of emotions, Once flowing. So goodbye,... Continue Reading →
Calloused hands don’t determine the dexterity, one has to offer. Tan lines on imperfect bodies are hard to swallow. Similar journey’s began untarnished, ignorant and lackadaisical. Later Quests fulfilled with a variety of abandonment and astonishments. I’d rather life start taking body parts, dismembering my heart first.
When you have no desire to just fuck. Conquests become less and less Occasionally left to ponder, and second-guess My pill-pusher’s reassurance, “You need this.“
To is not too And it advertently Makes me blue. Sapiosexual Ultimately Currently Asexual in response To your too not meaning Two To me Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough
Once again, dawning my robe Thinking of you. Yours, and how comfortable-- In blue. 🎶My mother told me that world has got it's plans. I wanna hold 'em till they burn right through my hands.🎶 That ice on my skin, Burning numb And swallowing me. Like protein and smoke. 🎶But rising on up and then... Continue Reading →
I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →
I just came upon this old post and found my current medications would be a smart topic. I am now capped, at the dosage of Zoloft a person is allowed. https://wp.me/p9xIGo-86 200mg Zoloft, once a day With 4 sides of Buspar Xanax Oh! Xanax, my coy friend I miss you, dearly. Benedryl, thank you for... Continue Reading →
From the start, Pink Starburst Anxiety was a vehicle for my unconquered demons: a space where my mental health was taken seriously, because no one in my life truly seemed to understand how debilitating my anxiety and depression had become. It seemed to transition over the past year to a blog I’m not quite happy... Continue Reading →
It started raining on my way to your place. I took the long way, hoping to calm my incessant nerves. I wondered if the rain was trying to water something in me, I felt so cold, rigid and angry. My thoughts of you weren’t, aren’t fine, kind or blind. And I feel alive for the... Continue Reading →
How many of you made the unfortunate stroll back to your ex due to the Rona? This unfortunate soul did: "See how [she] cowers" No, neither do I. Quarantined enlightenment? Maybe It's ok though. And hopefully if you've made the same trip through this corona-misadventure, you've learned something as well. Diamonds Eyes was always an... Continue Reading →
I surmised a familiar path, With a new trajectory in mind. I rearranged my brain and heart, And entered four numbers, two times. It was as if I were returning home, It was as if we were streamlined. I pulled up a tiny stool and Noted long, unfamiliar curls-- Quarantined, confined and tied To disfigured... Continue Reading →
Pop a Xanax. Out of my Zoloft Pop a Xanax. Out of whiskey Pop a Xanax. Desiring toxicity Pop a xanny. Crying because... I popped a xanny.
Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →
My heart breaks Because his, is breaking. Loss in passing. Ours, Yours, Mine. We continue; We break: The same.
I led myself to a hard cell. The bruises on my wrist-- Were cuts, Sinking Into the deep absence. I led myself to a hard hell-- The sell of a lifetime. I'm nuts Drinking Into my deep shell.
Tribulations truncated Twisted into tears Or tenaciously troubled By tactless Tiresome Tawdry Tedious Temperamental... Trials, Tasking my tetchy trips... B-b-b-Back..... Towards you: Tinder Trial #2.
Sunday, two-thousand and twenty, Though, Always setting on the twelfth. Sadness sweeps over sleep Uneasy shudders shatter Unextinguished embers. And He's been fucking gone for so fucking long--- My Father. A Not-So-Sweet, Sixteen Years of grief, disbelief And now... She's fucking gone. My Mother. I'm smothered by Seriousness, mixed with Sauvignon. Soundly sinking Into the... Continue Reading →
The ebb and flow Ejaculates yesterday's soul. The bitter cold Calculates countless roles. So dark, drab, damned Unquestionably sorrowful. December's claim, Driving out ducklings in despair. On the water, Irreprehensible and fair. Deceiver Chased away A long time Coming
Recently I've become rather close to one of my friends and last night, after hours of confused crying and doubling up on my Xanax at her place, I was invited on an all expenses paid, weekend getaway with she and her fiancé. Last night they asked; this morning I forgot. Last night I cried and... Continue Reading →
There is nothing less appropriate for a 33 year old woman, then drinking to the point of a Blackout2 hours, unaccounted for. $20, unaccounted for. My car is a mess. Skunk costume, unworn. I drove. Fuck.
Sometimes, I just cry. Even on my meds. Little things-- Mom's granola bar, 10 months past expiration. His invitations My fur-babies. My refrigerator My 600lb life. Out of Xanax. Out of money. Out of family. Just cry, baby girl. Just cry.
Static on the line, I hear it all the time But I'm quiet when you make me fade Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black But I'm brighter when you make me fade You make me fade, you make me fade You make me brighter when you make me fade KFlay has consistently... Continue Reading →
And I lost "it"-- The label. Forever? I Overthink. After Overthinking, About... Overthinking. Now Just Waiting....
In those Diamond eyes. Finally. Like Pulling teeth-- Pins And needles-- Vibe. Squashed?Or Squishy?Definitely Sublime. Again-- My Redefined... Clarity.
https://youtu.be/RVErCnCguWE I've been avoiding a call from someone I once knew Ain't got no parachute breaking my fall, believe it's more fun to Not give a fuck for a minute at all, yeah I'm looking for some truth But I'm complacent when facing the wall, know you want me to want you Never took one... Continue Reading →
I'm going back-- For seconds. Knowing I'm showing My true self This time around I'm glowing And he's.... A Cunt. Not saying... Just-- Saying.
I guess I quit smoking. With my handy dandy Juul. I've lost 2, Bought 2, Owned 3. I quit for a date-- Of the Tinder kind, Alongside, my mother's Recent battle with The C word. I've been surprised, Such an easy switch... Because, I wanted it. It's nice, not needing to buy 2 packs every... Continue Reading →
Tinder.... Ugh. Met one-- Thought of another Messaged a 3rd Sent a selfie to the 4th. None of them, I'm sure. Want me for the long haul.
It is just about time to go visit my pill pusher again. I'm not looking forward to this visit--we spoke about ketamine injections last time, on his suggestion and it has me a tiny bit anxious. Ketamine injections are now approved for treating depression with suicidal thoughts, as well as collaborative depression/anxiety disorders. I don't... Continue Reading →
Cheer up, baby girl. * I love you, Dani. * As my mother laid in bed, on her first evening in hospice--June 11, 2019, I sat to her right side, held her hand and bawled my eyes out. The last coherent words, were for me: "Cheer up, baby girl." On the morning of January 12,... Continue Reading →
My ex-fiancé and I have been seeing a bit more of each other lately. He brought two kids to mom's viewing and funeral last month, most of his family attended as well. On Saturday I asked him about the ac needing charged in my car and within an hour, I was in his parents driveway,... Continue Reading →
Short-lived, serendipitous and sly, I suppose. It's Sunday, I'm sleep-deprived and solemn, to say.... the slightest? Scorned. Scored? Still insecure. So I escaped. I'm secluded, substantially. Sarcastically scared, scratched and screwed. Sense and sensitivity. Sensibilities are shadows. I am a shadow. Spring stands on my shoulders. I stand on sticks of sacrilegious stares. Searching for... Continue Reading →
It's been storming in Kansas. Flooding, and the like. Tornadoes have been spiking- Lives lost, unsportsmanlike. * I sip boxed wine, from a plastic cup, Taken from my favorite spot. Thunder and lightening, feelings galore, A missed trip to the drugstore. Another Saturday at home, It's what I'm doing now. Drinking wine; wasting time. Asking... Continue Reading →
For Mother's Day I received 6 months Of birth control. Today would be My father's 63rd Birthday. I couldn't imagine Birthing a child, Raising a child, Loving a child-- Making a child happy, Healthy, heroic. So I popped for pills On Mother's Day, One the next. Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat... Retreat.
Sisters-- It's said their sparks Are supposedly, Not sporadically Sensational in sequestering Solidarity. * Your Starburst Seemingly lacks Sisterly spirit. She splinters, She solemnly sleeps In severe solitude. * Her sisters Sentencing her Severely, ceaselessly Shoulder to shoulder Side by side. Sister-like. * Speechless I subside Inside, outside Inside, outside Sleeplessness Suggests This sheep is... Continue Reading →
I can only assume this stems from an "ignorance is bliss" platform, but nonetheless I will always choose hard truths. I've been beaten and bruised, internally, for far too long and it diminishes my capacity to trust. Ignorance is not bliss; Thoreau wanted the masses educated, but even in that we find a double edged... Continue Reading →
I don't know what made me think I wanted to start dating again. In December, I downloaded a few dating apps, inevitably went through two terrible dates and an epistolary novel's worth's of messages, until I met a man who I was thoroughly intrigued by. We started messaging the day after my 33rd birthday. Met... Continue Reading →
Too tired to sleep Too anxious to dream My eyes can barely see. These hallways, so long Barren, and dull. I wish I could just Breathe. I warm my coffee With free, fresh-brewed, Cheap and bitter Packets of brown Grit--like dirt. Juxtaposed With a walk, My eyes creep Open. And I decide I'll just get... Continue Reading →
"... I think today is the day." These are the words my mother said this morning, after she woke me up to help her find her pain pills. Last night my oldest sister decided to purchase her a new sorter for the meds she now has to take, everyday--so upon waking up, her confusion was... Continue Reading →
When you're depressed, You're missing out. Life doesn't stop. Death doesn't stop. Cancer doesn't stop. Yet, your demeanor Dwindles to a speck Of what used to be-- Your smile. Your guile. Your wit. Your grip-- Of what matters Outside of yourself-- Diminishes. There is no spark, Unless accompanied By booze, Or pills, Or pot. Your... Continue Reading →
We are given so much, a crutch we take advantage of. And rarely consider, one day our chance will be completely up. We fight when we should embrace, face to facing our fates. And place blame where kisses could erase frivolous debates.
Like the one My dad stuffed With his gun, That time I thought... Like the one I found his stash Of stems and seeds, The last sack he bought. Like the one That sits in my office, Fifteen years later, Visitors sit in that chair. * Like the one My sister bought She brought it... Continue Reading →
It's back I have the flame To prove it. It burns The skin, Unthinkably Torching The unfeeling The undead. I picked a flower Simultaneously Throwing it Back down To the ground. Unnecessary Spoils Of war.
I went out last night with a couple friends for karaoke and a few drinks. After picking up the crew, I decided to partake in a 300ml brownie to take my mind off the shit life I've seemed to find myself in... I WAS sober for 2 weeksThe entire night and my choices were a... Continue Reading →
I cried all night And into the morning. I woke up late And into reality. Puffy eyes mean Double the eyeliner. Puffy eyes mean Today's tears come easy. Too easy at work Too easy in the mirror Too easy with side hugs Too easy like this storm. And it feels like hail.
My stomach is telling me that I'm hungry, but at my pill pusher appointment today my weight was down 10 pounds. He also increased my Zoloft 50% because of the depression. It's not that I'm trying to lose weight, but it was nice that I didn't have to do any work. Waste not, want not:... Continue Reading →
I hope. Because hope is all I have left. Nothing solidified. Constantly waning through Overdrawn accounts Undervalued character Overused emotions Underused meds Overwhelming doubt Underwhelming encounters Overzealous opinions Underdeveloped romance. Here's to hoping.
Followed by 36 hours in bed. Or 40 something hours... I just woke up and don't feel like doing the math. I'm exhausted I need a shower and a pack of smokes. *** Insert Shower *** Roll another smoke from my pouch of Bugler. *** I'm tired of making poor choices but they always seem... Continue Reading →
Cancer found it's first chance to cinch it's claws deep in my chest. No courtesy. Only consequence and cantankerous chemical combinations. Cigarettes and contrived cassonade cause cancer. Cindy consumes and collects these cancerous creations in her company--constantly. Cindy created my chance to comprehend constellations. Calling her Cindy is off-color. I am her child. She is... Continue Reading →
A few nights back I did something I never thought I had in me... I stabbed the Sheetrock with a pair of scissors, out of general, full blown, tear-filled... RAGE. My response was first shock, at my ability to do something so unlike me... secondly, I chose a different tool, a 14 inch paint brush,... Continue Reading →
Last night I drank. Facebook traffic was high. My Snapchat score increased. I drunk text a man. *Insert involuntary giggle* This morning I woke up. I re-read my posts, Social and blog comments, I deleted a few, Out of embarrassment. No one needs to hear every, Single Solitary Selective Section Of my Soul.
My mother has cancer. I don't get paid to work. My mother funds me. My habits lack respect * Why would you neglect that which nourishes you? * My mother has cancer I'm interviewing for jobs My mother has a tumor behind her eye My depression tries to care. * Why the fuck does she... Continue Reading →
It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I found that I can't. And if purple is the color for lovers, Why do I despise it so? I barely know myself. My potential is dying. I'm only good at Crying Smoking Lying-- to myself, Enemy Number One.
With your stolen pants. With your sideways glance With your resting bitch face Such a silly fucking girl-- With your thick eye liner With your unhealed shiner With your need for personal space Such a silly fucking girl-- With your sad blue eyes With your evening cries With your busted, breaking, broken heart. Such as... Continue Reading →
I'm learning to love myself again, again. Again. But it's doubtful I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin. Confusion Is insurmountable, because I have been adored at times Ultimately, I'll slip back into my unprecedented confines. Intimately, Acknowledging every inadequate body and smile line.. It's asinine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE8mWOgMpP8 I haven't figured out what love is. Have you? I doubt I am a sociopath, so that's not My delay. What's yours? I mean, I love this song, But it doesn't love me back. A man loves this song, and If it reminds him, of me-- What does that mean? I don't even... Continue Reading →
If I ceased to exist, how would you know? As you've noticed, I have these bouts of silence when I'm not proud of myself, but content in just getting by with a lackadaisical existence. To think, this time last year, you, my readers were my best friends--my lifeline--I've told you this. My Crocodile tears Fall... Continue Reading →
Sitting down at 10pm. Today is still yesterday. The depressed and anxious Mind erases the colored pencil Lines designed by the heart.
Three glasses of cab, at the bar-Inadvertently, And that was just Monday.... just twenty-four hours ago, Those hours spent swallowing, now--Tuesday. Sleepless at best; without wine; enduring-Lacking. Suspense, still, soon.... Today will be Yesterday Tomorrow, the past. Everyday, making mistakes.
But I'm not sure who I am anymore. Am I really this unfeeling? Or is it just an act? Self preservation? Evolution? Regurgitation? Indignation? Subjugation? In summation--I..., I guess I care Not. Not to ponder. Not to react--add, Or subtract. If it's blatantly Stabbing me, I am too numb Or tired Or intoxicated To feel... Continue Reading →
I've always been "the nice girl". That's how people from primary and secondary school describe me, on those random occasions when my social anxiety barely allows me to understand their words. I'm definitely not the same girl; not that they'll ever find that out. In my online dating profile on Tinder, I describe myself as... Continue Reading →
And it screams at me. "You're not winning." "You're not willing." "You're not fruitful." Yet I bleed I cry I indulge I'll die Like you. While you... Continue to judge me.
They hate my moments of happiness. Disregarding this Depression. * I can't blame their pressurizing hate Literally can't. Ignorance. * Judgement I'll save it for them. I'll be content, better, in the end.
Haha! But oddly, no more Dollars short In juxtaposition With the rest. Hours late. Minutes crumbling Under the weight Of missing serotonin. Bleh. Blatant. Indignation. Past life With Present life. Hypocritical At best.
And it has been over 2 months since my last rambles, but I think I'm ready to talk again. Time is just a number we juxtapose with others. My pill pusher upped my Zoloft to 100mg; Buspar down to 15mg; my Xanax intake is down 30% since I last wrote. That familiar old numb feeling.... Continue Reading →
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... Enough money within her control to move out... And rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to... Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to See Her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... A youth... Continue Reading →
Getting back on my full medication regimen today. It's been weeks since my doses have been taken as prescribed. I guess I hope I imagine... Things will get better.
Arrived at the hospital, 1a.m. My ex fiancé's twin brother. He fell. Fractured his skull in 2 places. Bleeding on the brain. Spinal fluid leaking from his ear. • I'm here. His twin. Is Nowhere In sight. • Some things never change.
It has been a while since I lost my insurance. It has been a while since I felt emotions. Tomorrow I will struggle to get the cash for my pill pusher appointment and the coinciding medications. Tomorrow I will get back on the regimen I had before the lapse in stability. Today I have poured... Continue Reading →
I'm late, 28 minutes as I write this sentence. I've had 2 cups of coffee, My makeup is half done I haven't worn my glasses Since I was last blasted By the depression. Happy Monday...
It's breathing right now. I just picked her up. Garage sale money. • I'm breathing right now. Earlier, life attacked. Weekend bender. • I'm heaving life around Like I'm drowning. Mental Inadequacies. • I'm leaving, letdown By my decline. My serotonin inhibitors. • I'm grieving, system shutdown An emotional imp. A tragic liar. • I'm... Continue Reading →
The following is a Note I posted to Facebook. It seems some outlooks never fully get away from us. (Note, I have not read through this yet. And have not made any changes to the original note.) Lackluster Beauty. August 9, 2010 at 2:13 PM Beauty is easily found in everthing a person comes in... Continue Reading →
I'm fully disappointed in myself. Because I don't feel or care. Everything is lackluster and. My life seems so bare. • I went to the bar by myself. Like I do Thursday through. Saturday--Sometimes Sunday. I drink through foggy hues. • We sip whiskey, my friends and myself. I chain smoke and waste my body.... Continue Reading →
I fell in love with my tattoos again, in this new life I've subscribed to. And now it's summer so I get to wear cute off the shoulder shirts that show them off. The nautical stars on each of my shoulders are what remains of my earliest years after high school, my first three years... Continue Reading →
And it's really weird. All I get is irritated Or Satirically exhilarated. Leaving my date To surmise my mind Must be extremely aggravated At him or his existence. But it's all just numbing The monotony of this file Of depression I've succumbed to.
I figured it would happen eventually. A man my age showed up out of nowhere. He has a great smile and believe it or not, after 3 weeks, he has yet to say anything asinine or disrespectful. Crazy, right!? He still doesn't know my feelings are M.I.A., that should be an interesting conversation. We'll leave... Continue Reading →
My insurance is no longer active and I called to refill my prescription on Thursday. My pill-pusher won't see me without an appointment--I cannot afford therapy without insurance. Isn't life grand? When in a drought, you might die of thirst. Without Xanax I'm fine, I guess. After 5 years of panxiety attacks, I've learned that... Continue Reading →
The sheer thought of a universe-- Crashes down on my shoulders Like a large body on an old mattress. It's flows, forgetting to ebb And steals away my breath Continuous waves, crippling my neck. Because in that universe is a diversity-- Burrowing into our perceptions of why We are here, it scares me: My fractured... Continue Reading →
At the very least, he was a month late. Over a month late after 2 weeks of profound avoidance and unanswered questions, texts... He would walk away when I would try to speak to him at our regular bar--which we both continue to use. So, yes, I had to give up on the extremely short... Continue Reading →
Don't worry, She's safe: That girl inside of me. I hurry, But she'll Be there to slow me. She needed A break From my muffled surroundings. I needed A break From her feeling shenanigans. She's tough And so am I I feel it in our inconsistencies I feel That I'll feel In time, with full... Continue Reading →
And the Panxiety attacks like to show up when I'm running late and only halfway through applying the first coat of nail polish. Your hands begin to shake as your vision blurs. You pray to hold steady long enough to get the full first coat completed. There is always a waiting period. There are always... Continue Reading →
I'm still not collecting Or connecting Emotions or attachments This week. *• I told my best friend "I would die so you Could live," last week. She has a son. *• I only have a few Degrees and some Ramblings With my name in script. *• I've killed 5 months of progress In less than... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious body fights the mind and the heart and the arms, legs, feet, brain, lungs, lips, eyes, liver, shoulders, neck, nerves, ankles(at least mine; damn sciatic nerve), calves, thighs, fingers and toes. Because that is what a chemical imbalance does.
I still haven't made my bed, none of the pillows have cases, the sheets are tossed about on the floor, at the foot of the bed., and the comforter acts more like a body pillow than a cover. Rain, hail and tornados are roaming the flat space that is Kansas this evening. One of my... Continue Reading →
My nail polish reserves are depleting. My finances have been melancholic for months. I am down to new bottles of pink and white; the black and red are more than half-empty: Congealed Combative De-Constructive Corrupted Congested Counterproductive White is in opposition of its meaning, to me. White is grotesque and everything but purity, innocence, sterility....... Continue Reading →
He would have been 61 He has been gone for 14 years 4 months And 11 days. I was 17 The last time I wished him Happy Birthday In person. Today I'll pick up A can of his chew. I'll take a dip of Skoal Wintergreen Long cut I'll let the shards Cut Into my... Continue Reading →
I woke up at 8am and leisurely made my first cup of coffee. I took my coffee out to the garage, let the dogs out and lit my second cigarette of the day. I'd woke up at 5, a few hours earlier and opened a fresh pack before heading back to my unmade bed (my... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind condemns the chemical imbalance as the body performs its continuous combative criticisms.
I'm hard I'm callous I'm jaded And I could care less. I think. I comprehend I nightmare But nothing brings me stress. I'm here I'm aware I'm not scared But I'm full of brokenness And I could really f**king care less.
I've had a few bad days, three weeks to be exact. I use the NBA Playoffs as an excuse--I dash down to the bar, ingest whiskey neat, by the double. I've found myself running into troubles but it has no effect on me. What affects me is the imbalance of serotonin, or Zoloft, or this... Continue Reading →
🖤🖤🖤🖤 An Ode to a Black Rose. • Permanence Is beautiful And horrifying And Stagnant • Anarchist At best And worst; Always Aflame • Abnormal Modified Collaborating To Conspire • Permanence Is Self-Deprecating And Convivial; My Black Rose. 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I think 4 months of black Nail Polish was necessary and productive but lacking progression. The... Continue Reading →
Mother's Day Is broken-- Fast approaching Can't see my kids I broke The engagement: No step-children No mortgage No home Not a mom I'm childless • I've been working. Forty hours a week For free. For months now. I'm broke I broke My life Somehow I've broken My sobriety I'm breaking My own rules And... Continue Reading →
An Anniversary-- The Anniversary A Culmination Of nearly a Decade Absorbed and Gone by. Tomorrow creeps Shrinks and completes My middle journey My epiphany From His entanglement. I am stronger now But also more jaded And fragmented Than ever. He had a bad knee And today, out of nowhere I experience Physical Empath-- My knee... Continue Reading →
A Response to So I Guess you don't Oscillate For Me Anymore: But how? Why? Out of nowhere! And everywhere. And heat rises. Until it Plateaus With Mid-summer Excess. Heightened beats Sweaty extents. Mind-numbing Acquiescence! I can Sense Future regrets, Transgressions. Sadness. Loss. Love.
He left a voicemail. From 1,204.5 miles away. It was only seven seconds long: "I love you too. Night." Drunk Dialed. Doesn't count.
11 days to go. • I've been planning a trip to Philadelphia, PA for the past month to visit a friend I haven't seen in 8 years. To spend a weekend with Him. My plan was to leave for Philly on the 26th, and head back home on the 29th. 11 days from today. I... Continue Reading →
We were engaged for 4 years and were together for 7... On April 29th, 13 days from today, I will have left the home I bought with my ex and three step-children for an entire year. Like February 14th, the day he proposed (and changed the meaning of Valentines Day, forever), I don't see myself... Continue Reading →
When March Madness began, I decided I wanted to get back out in the social world--which ultimately meant visiting bars once again. I cannot say it is the best way to get back out into the world, but I have also visited art museums, frequently gone to dinner with my mom and friends, as well... Continue Reading →
The polish on my fingers started chipping on the tips again, yesterday. I meant to spend some time removing the polish, with actual nail polish remover but the evening got away from me. This morning in the shower, the raised edges of polish disrupted the ease of my finger through my hair as I washed... Continue Reading →
Life. It's funny. Thursday I experienced 24 hours of depression, sparked by a poor playlist selection, titled "Emotions 2018". 24 hours later, I played a mix inspired by AJR, which also includes The Wrecks, Dreamers, Twenty-One Pilots, Finish Ticket, The Score, Coin and The Unicorns. It worked. Music is for the soul. Your likes are... Continue Reading →
It's such a weird itch-- I continue to scratch. And like after like Follow after follow I smile and retract My previous conditions. Selfies ensue. Four varying Personalities: Facebook: Frenemies. Instagram: Desperately. Twitter: Politically. WordPress...? Understandably. Now I have social media anxiety.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY0h906bu9w&list=PLOIxgRVG9IRa6bXoALuZFj_MAacriUrd6 For the past two days, I have engrossed myself in the songs of these beautiful ladies. Loftän is an upcoming German/American band who has stolen my heart and my brainwaves. When I connect with music, it somehow becomes ingrained in my soul. Undercover girl opens with a line which automatically hit my feelers: She took... Continue Reading →
I'm not sure what happened. So now I've found depression. Filtered by consumption. Without decompression. * Now my head pounds with ferocity. My heart confounded by monotony. My pride has no continuity. And damn you! unbeatable vanity. * But at least it's not numb. Because now in my glum-- State, I consciously succumb To reality's... Continue Reading →
I'm listening to him snore. Tonight, It's 12am and he fell asleep With his earbuds in The mouthpiece likely Sits near his neck. The vibration of his breathing is Intoxicating Supplementary. Because there is something lacking As I lean on his breath. But how can it be lacking If it's never been there?
http://www.youtube.com/watch SNL Skit Oh my goodness! March Madness and SNL skits on anxiety to go with it?!?! Had to share. Love feeling a bit more commercialized as a "normal". So, I feel like this is an outrageous skit... but I LOVE it! And it may be solely to the fact I've only dealt with my... Continue Reading →
March Madness is the only time of year when the madness around me far surpasses my own— Happy Madness to all! via My March Madness Fact
I was never sure what would come from starting a blog. I reached out to an audience at one of the lowest points in my life and never expected, that two months into it, 101 of you would care to read or like a single word I had to say, much less follow me! ❤️... Continue Reading →
The heat wanes But not due to Incompatibility. I've been burned Too many times-- Permanently marred. I can't sink Into oblivion Anymore. Unless it's compatible With my habits-- My needs. My desires are few But imperative-- And mine. The heart wants What the heart Needs.
Wow, Zoloft--is that you? Or is it my newfound lease On life? * Things are getting brighter. Depression wanes and I'm happy. * With one additional pill The Xanax no longer has the Stronghold. * I'm happier without marijuana Which I never expected-- Natural highs. * I had little faith that my brain-- That my... Continue Reading →
Fifteen minutes prior to leaving for my Talk Therapy appointment, yesterday, I felt an attack coming on--so i took half of a Xanax. On my drive to her office, my heart beat increased and I took the other half. Typically, I would have taken another half around 9pm, to curb the tensions my mind had... Continue Reading →
Off the bat, I'll say: I'm VERY comfortable with my therapist. I didn't cry with my pill pusher, yesterday. That's a first, I hate talking about my anxiety, just to have more pills shoved down my throat. But that's my current life status. We started on mindfulness today. After the first attempt, I gave 3... Continue Reading →
Current medication regimen: 15mg Buspar, 3 times a day. 50 mg Zoloft, in the morning. .5mg Xanax, 1-2 times daily, as needed. This time last year, I was on 10mg of Paxil, once a day, after weaning myself down from 40mg. Then, yada yada, withdrawal... depression... panic attacks increased... sleep paralysis. So, tomorrow, I will... Continue Reading →
Every time. I pull up to my Therapist's office, there seems to be a young girl, waiting to shoot a smile in my direction. I think of her future and mine. I think of the reasons behind our smiles. I think of my age, 32--her's, likely, merely 12. She smiles; I smile back. But I... Continue Reading →
After more Than a year. I felt lips-- Again. * Today, It doesn't Feel Right-- Again. * My team Was defeated And I lost-- Again. * I said: I Vow To Live, Again. * It is Not Living If it is with Those Lips.
Culture Comes to Kansas for a Lady https://peeingonmute.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/culture-comes-to-kansas-for-a-lady/ — Read on peeingonmute.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/culture-comes-to-kansas-for-a-lady/
Thank you Jeazele, for this lovely poem! It directly describes my current conundrum with loving. I am jaded--I love to love--but I am dedicated to myself. Hopeful that one day, a soulmate will find me with an open heart. But Then I Met You https://ascerblog.xyz/2018/03/02/but-then-i-met-you/ — Read on ascerblog.xyz/2018/03/02/but-then-i-met-you/
Today I contacted my Alma Mater in regards to getting a second Master's Degree in Public Administration. Apparently: I have a profound desire to make the world(my community) a better place; I love intellectual stimulation; I NEED to get out of KS; I refuse to teach HS English with my first Graduate Degree; I refuse... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind gets weary. I am not only my anxiety. I am not only my depression. I am not only my early-onset OCD. I am not only my ED--if it's there. I was once "dirka squirrel". Please don't take offense, I used to be a belligerent stoner without rules or regulations. I... Continue Reading →
Depression who? I mean, look at that landscape! Below the skyline, you can see the lights of Colorado Springs, right before sunset. It was a frigid 19 degrees with the wind in my face, thousands of feet above sea level. But it wasn't only the wind which took my breath away. Transcendence. I vow to... Continue Reading →
I did not cry in her office today. I smiled and laughed and cursed. Trust and tiny pieces of happiness.
I breathed in And out The Denver air With rigorous voracity. * It put my mind At ease with Past Present Future. * Life became whole Again In this reckless Brain, of mine. * Tomorrow I Will Spring With temperament And a new Found love. * For breathing.
So, I'm not going to lie--yesterday I took twice my prescribed dose of Xanax. But I also voyaged on my first solo road trip.... Ever! At 32 years old! I drove 9 hours West of home and with the grace of God, I made it to my destination in one piece. Today, I am looking... Continue Reading →
Per suggestions of a close friend, I recently fell into a rabbit hole of stand up comedy acts, on Netflix. I initially wanted to make this a post in my "Divorced but Never Married" series--but in speaking with this friend, I realized I am utterly over drudging on the past transgressions which my ex-fiance inflicted... Continue Reading →
So there is vino In my veins. There is moonlight In my shame-- Which bewilders My counterclaim. * So I may be weak But utterly cognizant Of my aim. To regain My flaming Confidence. * And I take steps. I break frets. I steal nets Which catch me In my own depths. * Of self-righteousness--... Continue Reading →
My vulnerabilities Aren't stronger Than my character-- Anymore. * So last night I did. Last night I danced--I sang. I'm 32, but danced Like I was 21. * I locked eyes With masculine strangers-- They'd inch closer, Hand on hip--but no. Not yet. * I vow to indulge But not be consumed. Because it was... Continue Reading →
What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM... Continue Reading →