“Love Hard or get the F*** out.”

Per suggestions of a close friend, I recently fell into a rabbit hole of stand up comedy acts, on Netflix. I initially wanted to make this a post in my "Divorced but Never Married" series--but in speaking with this friend, I realized I am utterly over drudging on the past transgressions which my ex-fiance inflicted...

Musing at Midnight

So there is vino In my veins. There is moonlight In my shame-- Which bewilders My counterclaim. * So I may be weak But utterly cognizant Of my aim. To regain My flaming Confidence. * And I take steps. I break frets. I steal nets Which catch me In my own depths. * Of self-righteousness--...

I Vow to Live, Again.

My vulnerabilities Aren't stronger Than my character-- Anymore. * So last night I did. Last night I danced--I sang. I'm 32, but danced Like I was 21. * I locked eyes With masculine strangers-- They'd inch closer, Hand on hip--but no. Not yet. * I vow to indulge But not be consumed. Because it was...

I Have Conquered… Something.

What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM...

A Valentine to Forget

Four years ago he asked me to marry him; I said yes and we played adult board games for the remainder of that Valentines Day. I think I'm going to sell the engagement ring. I'm going to sell the pearl necklace, because it's a white pearl. My heart is suited to Tahitian Pearls. There was...

Habits

I drank last night. I smoked last night. Yesterday I told him I was falling. I gotta stay high all the time To keep you off my mind I am falling But I can't And I won't Because today is about me. Trying to forget you babe I fall back down My sobs are inconsolable Because...

Strangers

There were strangers in my head last night. For the few hours of drifting into sleep-- There were strangers in my house last night. But they weren't actually there--there. Dozens filled the small room around my bed. I fought my way out of that stranger filled room And found my mother, out of place. She was...

Lean On Me

I'm used to the burden Regardless of my Waning strengths, I will bandage Your paper cuts-- While a major artery Flows with fury From my body. Because you mean Everything or Something. But definitely Not nothing.

Gold Nail Polish

I started peeling away the black nail polish at 1:30 this morning, with the voracity of a prepubescent boy entertaining his first hard on. It was as involuntary as my sobbing over the past eight months. For the past 30 days, I piled layer upon layer of the thick, black goop on my nails; It was...

De(Com)Pression

I rummage for Empty space On country roads. And vociferate New melodies. And-- "I-I-I-I-I can't stop." Reveling on Involuntary sobs, Insurmountable distance, Unconquerable regrets. I've missed 100 percent of the shots I didn't take. So these ducts Well over With unease. And the music Plays on Repeat. "I-I-I-I-I can't stop"

Can Abyss

It's followed me For fifteen years. Around every corner of depression and elation-- Agitation. A green, blueprint to So many bad Selections. Fabricating a dark Chasam In my cognitive Suggestions. My longest Relationship-- A soul-destroying Anthology Of numbing Concentration. So today-- I give you up. For clarity. For brighter Moments. For better Tomorrows.

Divorced by Never Married: Part 5; A Song for my Sanity

      Halsey 100 Letters https://youtu.be/cpiNnRa_TcE

Divorced but Never Married: Part 4; Sleeping on the Floor

For the final four months of my seven year relationship, I slept on the couch, a papasan mattress and ultimately a Queen mattress on the floor of my home office. My nights on the couch weren't frequent at first, I'd sleep there if I was having cramps or unable to get a panic attack to...

Lady Parts

I wasn't able to post this weekend. So you're welcome. I am sure everyone likes a break from the monotony of my fragmented prose and sporadic poetics. My weekend was full to the brim, but not in the optimistic sense. I was literally in constant motion--which entailed nearly six full hours of driving, five of...

Fact No. 2

The depressed and anxious mind takes time to understand the frivolous nature of society--before it stages it's coup de grâce.   Photo credit: What's Wrong With Today's Society Captured In 10+ Though-Provoking Illustrations By Al Margen

Fragmented Reality

What can I do When nothing Seems cohesive? When Life Is "simply: A jumbled mess Of Anxiety Impropriety And sobriety. While society Delegates Propriety For notoriety, Which never Existed.

The First of February

I smiled at my Make-up-less Face This morning For the first time In years. Baby steps.

A Conclusion to 7 Years of New Years

Wow... what a month. Bear with me as I get a much needed, month late, chronicle off my chest. It was New Years Eve, exactly one month ago today. I had not been feeling well, so I cancelled my plans to go out. This was an obvious sigh of relief for my newly single, anxious...

Something’s Wrong

I ate an apple today. Same as yesterday. It's called a low Carb diet. Today is day Thirty-one. But it's dinner time I'm hungry but... The anxiety Or is it The Depression? Will only Fish out bits Of veggies It can't be a coincidence: The involuntary Crying. The Bawling. The cowering Beneath my hood In...

Wasting Black Eye Liner

Everything makes me cry And nothing at all. Where the fuck are the trash bags? I'm tired of deliberating Justifying Correlating Where the fuck are my tissues? I'm tired of juxtaposing The transparent With transcendence. Where the fuck is my stability? I'm exhausted My body aches My mind is branched My heart's screams are inaudible....

Skipping Talk Therapy: Appointment #1

I called and said "I might have the flu" The virus is spreading In America. But my cycle And my wallet Made the choice. Maybe my pride? Fucking strangers And eye contact. Not today.

Opening Up

Put 1000 miles Between us And I'll spill It All. * But I won't reveal My life And socialize. * And I can't tell you Why I rely On strangers Just to Get by. * Utility or Drawback? Anxiety or Trivial Inferiority? * I can't Commit. Equally A Mess. Physically Present. Mentally Transcendent. * Advertising...

Refusing to Date: Choices; Part 3.

I vow to make smarter choices this time around. That is when I finally take the leap... It cannot be Simply carnal. Even though It's all electric And raw. The passion! There will be No room For vanity I need intellectual Fornication. Mental Stimulation. Heart pounding Mind stinging Resuscitation Of Shakespeare's Hamlet and Austen's sensibilities....

Divorced but Never Married: Part 3; Empty Space

I still feel At the space With the thumb Of my left finger. That finger automatically Gives way And curls Down. But I don't let him touch me anymore I said "I'm not something to butter up And taste when you get bored 'Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors. To...

Drinking Alone

I'm trying to remember Why there were so many Nights I chose to drink Alone. So I picked up a bottle: 200mL of Crown Again. So far 3 shots in I'm crying Again. It's a full on 3 tissue mess Up in here 5 songs on repeat: Halsey, Bad at Love Tove Lo, Habits Halsey,...

Refusing to Date: A Season; Part 2

I read somewhere that in order to truly get to know a mate, especially prior to marriage, you should at least give a full turn of the seasons to get to know that person. I was automatically intrigued by the notion. Couldn't this apply my relationship with me? In Refusing to Date, I stated I...

Crying Again

It's been a month Since the unexplainable Crying has crept up On me. Today I cried: When I got angry. And then when I yelled. When I needed A Xanax. When Dr. Phil told his anxious guest Named Danielle That her anxiety was as normal As Kidney Disease. My father had that... Now he's dead....

Anxious Anger

Blood boiling Stomach cramping Heavy-handed Anxiety. Throw in Anger I'm Aggressive. Utterly trapped With cognitive slips I progress backwards. Teeth clinched. Just breath. I am stronger Than this.          

Down the Hatch

It's funny... well no, its comical--to the outsider, I'm sure. I just spent 24 hours in debate with myself and my new routine. My pill-pushing therapist prescribed 10mg of Buspiron HCL, twice a day. It felt like a long term kick in the head; I had progressed, over the past month. If I gave in, I knew...

To Medicate?

Well, today's first real therapy appointment was no different than the first time I presented my anxiety disorder to a GP. I left the office, unimpressed and angry. Faint streaks of mascara were camouflaged by the appearance of dark circles, beneath my eye. I was sure this time would be different: A real therapist would...

Discovering Death

There are those days--the ones where your strengths and weaknesses decide they will work together in solidarity. Yesterday was one of those days; full of plans that I planned all on my own, completely alone. I'd forgotten what a full day felt like and so did my anxiety. 12:00 p.m., I made it to the...

Bullying

I had something stolen from me, at the age of nineteen. A friend, of a friend, found himself meritorious. "I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.... Grab ’em by the pussy. You can...

Reminder Call

Today, my therapist's office called to remind me of my first ever therapy appointment, scheduled for Monday morning. Three days. I have previously cried to three different General Practitioners, as I recollected the trials with my anxiety disorder. Monday's appointment is different--a real therapist is involved. And, as if the original script wasn't bad enough,...

Fact No. 1

The depressed and anxious mind does not let the heart go off on wild tangents of irrational happiness. At least, not for very long.

Numb Again

Literally On a physical level. I'm half a Xanax in; A full pain-pill down: my hip is out of place and my sciatic is pinched. Figuratively On a social level. I'm dealing with a minuscule circle: circling the minds of writers; interacting with little intellectual stimulation, in a small Kansas town. Metaphorically On a mental...

Black Nail Polish: Part 2; Chipped

What a week! Since we first met(yes, you). Eight days ago. This morning I am anxious and writing from the desk of my office, at work: a herculean feat, the anxiety-less will not understand; sandbags of weight, pulling at my dominant hand... still I type in an attempt to collect my thoughts. I take half...

Trigger

I was doing sogood. And I'll tell you what-- It fucking sucks. Dominant hand trembling-- Heavy head, numbing panic-- Attack. Attack. Attack. I really was doing good. And now one of them are explainable No longer irrationally existing-- So my head wraps around and around And around. I used to be able to drink myself...

Divorced but Never Married: Part 2

In a previous post, titled "Refusing to Date", I stated that "you cannot love someone unless you know and love yourself." When I left my ex of seven years, I was left with misappropriated sorrow in my heart. It has taken eight months for me to fully absorb this conundrum. Today I know, that I...

Irrational Happiness

There are times, as an adult, where you step back and wonder how you let far-fetched butterflies bombard your system. Raw. Sensual. Unrequited Excitement. I nearly made it a full day without my Xanax.

Driving with my Brights On

Everything clicked today. Well, not everything, of course, but in 50degree weather, I braved out into the world and contemplated some of my demons. At one point, I felt the endorphins in my body release and that old feeling of contentment enveloped me. I had errands to run: I needed to pick up some blank...

Divorced but Never Married: Part 1.

After seven years, my surname never changed. Two years into the relationship, I realized more was expected of me than anyone else in the household(see above list and take into account my facetious nature). Not only did I hold down a full time job as the VP of Operations for a small, international business the...

Xanax for Breakfast; Weekends

My anxiety disorder manifests itself in various ways, during unexplainable times with debilitating frequency. It hasn't been a lifelong relationship, so it's easy for me to blame myself: past drug and alcohol abuse; staying in a relationship which, even after a loogie was hocked in my face, I continued to play the happy fiancé and...

200mL of Crown Royal

I picked up a plastic, 200mL bottle of Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey on my way home from work this evening. Construction cones, signs and ravaged asphalt reflected in the large windows which framed the front of the liquor store. As I pulled open the heavy glass door, my stride veered to the left and straight...

Daddy Issues

Last night I went to bed thinking about the last time I saw my father. I was attempting to write about his final moments and went into full panic mode: rapid heartbeat; brain-in-vice, tension headache; and a numbing pain in my arms which dis-invited my fingers the ability to blog via text. Today will be...