11 Days Sober

Two weeks ago, upon a week of mourning the 2 year anniversary of my mother’s death, I got my second DUI in 2 years. That was a Thursday; Friday, I made the choice to wean myself off of what I thought would be an uncomfortable withdrawal, after 6 steady months of daily drinking to get... Continue Reading →

All In With Zoloft

I just came upon this old post and found my current medications would be a smart topic. I am now capped, at the dosage of Zoloft a person is allowed. https://wp.me/p9xIGo-86 200mg Zoloft, once a day With 4 sides of Buspar Xanax Oh! Xanax, my coy friend I miss you, dearly. Benedryl, thank you for... Continue Reading →

“Just Take The Moon”

I was taken aback. The coin randomly popped into my world... Again. So, inevitably, I felt it automatically pop into his. That was how quickly things happened in my oblivious heart. My brain, on the other hand is akin to a toddler with a sluggish cognitive tempo. Of course, he wasn't nearly as impressed by... Continue Reading →

Blackout

There is nothing less appropriate for a 33 year old woman, then drinking to the point of a Blackout2 hours, unaccounted for. $20, unaccounted for. My car is a mess. Skunk costume, unworn. I drove. Fuck.

Merlot and Social Media

Last night I drank. Facebook traffic was high. My Snapchat score increased. I drunk text a man. *Insert involuntary giggle* This morning I woke up. I re-read my posts, Social and blog comments, I deleted a few, Out of embarrassment. No one needs to hear every, Single Solitary Selective Section Of my Soul.  

Why I’ve Been Quiet

I'm fully disappointed in myself. Because I don't feel or care. Everything is lackluster and. My life seems so bare. • I went to the bar by myself. Like I do Thursday through. Saturday--Sometimes Sunday. I drink through foggy hues. • We sip whiskey, my friends and myself. I chain smoke and waste my body.... Continue Reading →

I Should Have….

But I didn't. I let it slip my mind And now I am Powerless. • Attack Attack Attack • But I didn't I got home late--early? For today: 2pm is 8am. Abstractness. • But I didn't So I chew up a Xanax, Now, 5pm is 11am-- Affectlessness. • Attack Attack Attack • But I didn't.... Continue Reading →

Depression Strikes Again

Today, I hate too much. It sucks. I can't eat a bite without Spitting it back out. I had 3 pieces of sushi On Saturday. A bite of a cookie Yesterday. 3 shots of whiskey Maybe it was 5... 2 shots of tequila 6 or 10 or 15 beers 6 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon Over... Continue Reading →

Musing at Midnight

So there is vino In my veins. There is moonlight In my shame-- Which bewilders My counterclaim. * So I may be weak But utterly cognizant Of my aim. To regain My flaming Confidence. * And I take steps. I break frets. I steal nets Which catch me In my own depths. * Of self-righteousness--... Continue Reading →

Habits

I drank last night. I smoked last night. Yesterday I told him I was falling. I gotta stay high all the time To keep you off my mind I am falling But I can't And I won't Because today is about me. Trying to forget you babe I fall back down My sobs are inconsolable Because... Continue Reading →

Insomnia

Mixed with Irrational dreams: Hallucinatory And as shackling, As sleep paralysis. Apparently, The anxiety The depression The self-induced Inferiority Required a new friend. So today, I will NOT Be suitable For human interaction. I will close My office door. I will scowl At intruders. I will double My coffee intake. I will not return Calls... Continue Reading →

Fragmented Reality

What can I do When nothing Seems cohesive? When Life Is "simply: A jumbled mess Of Anxiety Impropriety And sobriety. While society Delegates Propriety For notoriety, Which never Existed.

Opening Up

Put 1000 miles Between us And I'll spill It All. * But I won't reveal My life And socialize. * And I can't tell you Why I rely On strangers Just to Get by. * Utility or Drawback? Anxiety or Trivial Inferiority? * I can't Commit. Equally A Mess. Physically Present. Mentally Transcendent. * Advertising... Continue Reading →

Drinking Alone

I'm trying to remember Why there were so many Nights I chose to drink Alone. So I picked up a bottle: 200mL of Crown Again. So far 3 shots in I'm crying Again. It's a full on 3 tissue mess Up in here 5 songs on repeat: Halsey, Bad at Love Tove Lo, Habits Halsey,... Continue Reading →

Crying Again

It's been a month Since the unexplainable Crying has crept up On me. Today I cried: When I got angry. And then when I yelled. When I needed A Xanax. When Dr. Phil told his anxious guest Named Danielle That her anxiety was as normal As Kidney Disease. My father had that... Now he's dead.... Continue Reading →

To Medicate?

Well, today's first real therapy appointment was no different than the first time I presented my anxiety disorder to a GP. I left the office, unimpressed and angry. Faint streaks of mascara were camouflaged by the appearance of dark circles, beneath my eye. I was sure this time would be different: A real therapist would... Continue Reading →

Discovering Death

There are those days--the ones where your strengths and weaknesses decide they will work together in solidarity. Yesterday was one of those days; full of plans that I planned all on my own, completely alone. I'd forgotten what a full day felt like and so did my anxiety. 12:00 p.m., I made it to the... Continue Reading →

Bullying

I had something stolen from me, at the age of nineteen. A friend, of a friend, found himself meritorious. "I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.... Grab ’em by the pussy. You can... Continue Reading →

Reminder Call

Today, my therapist's office called to remind me of my first ever therapy appointment, scheduled for Monday morning. Three days. I have previously cried to three different General Practitioners, as I recollected the trials with my anxiety disorder. Monday's appointment is different--a real therapist is involved. And, as if the original script wasn't bad enough,... Continue Reading →

Trigger

I was doing sogood. And I'll tell you what-- It fucking sucks. Dominant hand trembling-- Heavy head, numbing panic-- Attack. Attack. Attack. I really was doing good. And now one of them are explainable No longer irrationally existing-- So my head wraps around and around And around. I used to be able to drink myself... Continue Reading →

Divorced but Never Married: Part 1.

After seven years, my surname never changed. Two years into the relationship, I realized more was expected of me than anyone else in the household(see above list and take into account my facetious nature). Not only did I hold down a full time job as the VP of Operations for a small, international business the... Continue Reading →

Xanax for Breakfast; Weekends

My anxiety disorder manifests itself in various ways, during unexplainable times with debilitating frequency. It hasn't been a lifelong relationship, so it's easy for me to blame myself: past drug and alcohol abuse; staying in a relationship which, even after a loogie was hocked in my face, I continued to play the happy fiancé and... Continue Reading →

200mL of Crown Royal

I picked up a plastic, 200mL bottle of Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey on my way home from work this evening. Construction cones, signs and ravaged asphalt reflected in the large windows which framed the front of the liquor store. As I pulled open the heavy glass door, my stride veered to the left and straight... Continue Reading →

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