Two weeks ago, upon a week of mourning the 2 year anniversary of my mother’s death, I got my second DUI in 2 years. That was a Thursday; Friday, I made the choice to wean myself off of what I thought would be an uncomfortable withdrawal, after 6 steady months of daily drinking to get... Continue Reading →
For twelve hours, over a few nights. It happened to happen By happenstance An acquaintance An encounter Over and over again Those electric moments All devilish smiles For miles Likely the closest possibility To experience Prince Charming In this Sea of Fall and fires, I foresee; And through the winter months I assume we’ll continue... Continue Reading →
I haven’t had a an all-out panxiety attack since I’ve been off my meds. The thought actually pings me with tiny attacks, but I push out a few proud breaths and The world doesn’t cave in, as it used to. Fall is moving in Ugh, Kansas I’m bored with you.
Once again, dawning my robe Thinking of you. Yours, and how comfortable-- In blue. 🎶My mother told me that world has got it's plans. I wanna hold 'em till they burn right through my hands.🎶 That ice on my skin, Burning numb And swallowing me. Like protein and smoke. 🎶But rising on up and then... Continue Reading →
I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →
I just came upon this old post and found my current medications would be a smart topic. I am now capped, at the dosage of Zoloft a person is allowed. https://wp.me/p9xIGo-86 200mg Zoloft, once a day With 4 sides of Buspar Xanax Oh! Xanax, my coy friend I miss you, dearly. Benedryl, thank you for... Continue Reading →
Desensitized To my surroundings. What is Covid 19? Facetiousness and sarcasm Will never decrease Because these meds Have a fucking hold On me.
My anxiety is on blast; Filling that space in my chest: Coronavirus? Cardiac arrest? That fucker I kissed? Back to that gnawing, Sawing, uncontrollable panic. Back to the panxiety; Full pulmonary uncertainty.
I brushed my teeth And braved the world For a box of Bota wine. * -Phone in ziplock -Wallet too -Clorox wipes: a find! * -Keys wiped down (A before and after Routine outside my queue). * Sippin-Sopping wet outside, Less chance for Corona to stew. * I look back at my cat, my oldest... Continue Reading →
Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →
I led myself to a hard cell. The bruises on my wrist-- Were cuts, Sinking Into the deep absence. I led myself to a hard hell-- The sell of a lifetime. I'm nuts Drinking Into my deep shell.
Sunday, two-thousand and twenty, Though, Always setting on the twelfth. Sadness sweeps over sleep Uneasy shudders shatter Unextinguished embers. And He's been fucking gone for so fucking long--- My Father. A Not-So-Sweet, Sixteen Years of grief, disbelief And now... She's fucking gone. My Mother. I'm smothered by Seriousness, mixed with Sauvignon. Soundly sinking Into the... Continue Reading →
Decadence Remembrance * All too cloy to employ. * Arrogance Eloquence Fecklessness * A joy? Toy? To destroy? + Fretfulness Helplessness Restlessness * Your golden whipping boy.
So why do these gasps Bring tears and convulsions? Hyperventilations? You've cut the air from My chest, my continued State of unrest--Utter Dissemination
There's a gloomy little fog That lies over, you and me. It rests upon the shores of My safe haven, Cuts along the lines of where I expected us to meet On frequent expeditions * You and Me. * I can only fathom, moments... Of us have passed. But I fake And relate, retaliate-- My... Continue Reading →
Itching, Eternally Feeling, Physical Bites, Bumps-- Weeks old but still blunt. * Just like her presence In your bed I scratch and it stings Lacerations bleed.
Seasonal or situational? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without my Mother's breath. Without my Father, in depth. With serotonin's constant death. * Self-deprecating or debating? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without his kiss on my forehead. Without any bliss or fortune. Depression is so... fucking... morbid. * Medicating or sedating? Just fucking juxtapose the two,... Continue Reading →
In my wine-drunk rants. I just like to forget what, I can't bear to remember. * I read the messages late. In a more sober state. Tears burn like hot embers. * I never wish you hurt or harmed Though it seems your general state. Depressed again; My natural December fate.
Again Absorbing Absolutely Anything. * Aggravating Analogies * Abandoning Acquaintances. * Accepting Attractive, Astute Applications * Anchored. Accessible. Ambient. Affectionate. * Apathy An ailment
I skim my snaps and see unfamiliar smiles. Of us, simply serenaded in sweetness. It's astounding: how sadistic, how sorrowful It all seems, sounds, settles: Insta-sad. Substance doesn't seep through, nor sighs. Seeds need substantial sustenance to survive. Yet, this starburst shakes. Depression stays. Anxiety throws her in a sequential haze.
He couldn't make me cry this time. He only made the nerves cringe And shake--forced to take... A bar. * He couldn't make me see his side. He claims it wasn't a lying binge. But that trust is covered in rust, Lodestar.
Post-Traumatic Stress... "Just come cuddle me." Predestined, Pressed? "Please, just love me." Passionate- Less. "I think I need... you? Pacifist, Yes. "I knew you were a mess." Painkilling Mess. "Please, before the moment's gone." Pitiful Pitiless
My days *****Accumulating Over *****Time, amount to dark. My haze *****Backdating thousands, Drove her *****Back to Depression. Sideways *****Glances, from diamonds. Joker; *****Smoker; Controller. My gaze: *****Amounts to darkness. Over Time, this heart went dark.
I was taken aback. The coin randomly popped into my world... Again. So, inevitably, I felt it automatically pop into his. That was how quickly things happened in my oblivious heart. My brain, on the other hand is akin to a toddler with a sluggish cognitive tempo. Of course, he wasn't nearly as impressed by... Continue Reading →
There is nothing less appropriate for a 33 year old woman, then drinking to the point of a Blackout2 hours, unaccounted for. $20, unaccounted for. My car is a mess. Skunk costume, unworn. I drove. Fuck.
Potent Fun Anxiety Induced Haze. Do you see anyone other than me? Baby, please I'll take a hit of whatever you got Maybe two, maybe three Oh you're phenomenal, feel like a domino, fall to my knees I am a malady, you are my galaxy, my sweet reliefTired So damn Tired Of this Haze
Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.
I guess I quit smoking. With my handy dandy Juul. I've lost 2, Bought 2, Owned 3. I quit for a date-- Of the Tinder kind, Alongside, my mother's Recent battle with The C word. I've been surprised, Such an easy switch... Because, I wanted it. It's nice, not needing to buy 2 packs every... Continue Reading →
For Mother's Day I received 6 months Of birth control. Today would be My father's 63rd Birthday. I couldn't imagine Birthing a child, Raising a child, Loving a child-- Making a child happy, Healthy, heroic. So I popped for pills On Mother's Day, One the next. Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat... Retreat.
When you're depressed, You're missing out. Life doesn't stop. Death doesn't stop. Cancer doesn't stop. Yet, your demeanor Dwindles to a speck Of what used to be-- Your smile. Your guile. Your wit. Your grip-- Of what matters Outside of yourself-- Diminishes. There is no spark, Unless accompanied By booze, Or pills, Or pot. Your... Continue Reading →
When was the last time I pondered my physical comfort in regards to my mental state? NeverCan you ever be clear-headed when depression and anxiety transcend and gyrate? DoubtfulIt seems, these tingles--the pins and needles are a substrate, commingling with my nerves. MenacingWaking, just to ponder the discomforting sweats, days after my last drops were... Continue Reading →
Last night I drank. Facebook traffic was high. My Snapchat score increased. I drunk text a man. *Insert involuntary giggle* This morning I woke up. I re-read my posts, Social and blog comments, I deleted a few, Out of embarrassment. No one needs to hear every, Single Solitary Selective Section Of my Soul.
Three glasses of cab, at the bar-Inadvertently, And that was just Monday.... just twenty-four hours ago, Those hours spent swallowing, now--Tuesday. Sleepless at best; without wine; enduring-Lacking. Suspense, still, soon.... Today will be Yesterday Tomorrow, the past. Everyday, making mistakes.
Or I guess I should say, "here I am." I wrote Black Nail Polish on January 10th, 2018. It was my very first blog post and it felt so unbelievable to be honest and uncensored. Tomorrow, being a year later(today for some of you), I feel a bit of nostalgia... but not much, as the... Continue Reading →
Getting back on my full medication regimen today. It's been weeks since my doses have been taken as prescribed. I guess I hope I imagine... Things will get better.
It has been a while since I lost my insurance. It has been a while since I felt emotions. Tomorrow I will struggle to get the cash for my pill pusher appointment and the coinciding medications. Tomorrow I will get back on the regimen I had before the lapse in stability. Today I have poured... Continue Reading →
I'm late, 28 minutes as I write this sentence. I've had 2 cups of coffee, My makeup is half done I haven't worn my glasses Since I was last blasted By the depression. Happy Monday...
It's breathing right now. I just picked her up. Garage sale money. • I'm breathing right now. Earlier, life attacked. Weekend bender. • I'm heaving life around Like I'm drowning. Mental Inadequacies. • I'm leaving, letdown By my decline. My serotonin inhibitors. • I'm grieving, system shutdown An emotional imp. A tragic liar. • I'm... Continue Reading →
I'm fully disappointed in myself. Because I don't feel or care. Everything is lackluster and. My life seems so bare. • I went to the bar by myself. Like I do Thursday through. Saturday--Sometimes Sunday. I drink through foggy hues. • We sip whiskey, my friends and myself. I chain smoke and waste my body.... Continue Reading →
My insurance is no longer active and I called to refill my prescription on Thursday. My pill-pusher won't see me without an appointment--I cannot afford therapy without insurance. Isn't life grand? When in a drought, you might die of thirst. Without Xanax I'm fine, I guess. After 5 years of panxiety attacks, I've learned that... Continue Reading →
It never felt quite so real until I found out I was "clinically depressed" and it completely makes sense. The first bout lasted for the final eight months of 2017, but this one is different. For four weeks, I've been numb. I drink on the weekends and make people laugh at the bar. I forget... Continue Reading →
Today, I hate too much. It sucks. I can't eat a bite without Spitting it back out. I had 3 pieces of sushi On Saturday. A bite of a cookie Yesterday. 3 shots of whiskey Maybe it was 5... 2 shots of tequila 6 or 10 or 15 beers 6 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon Over... Continue Reading →
An Anniversary-- The Anniversary A Culmination Of nearly a Decade Absorbed and Gone by. Tomorrow creeps Shrinks and completes My middle journey My epiphany From His entanglement. I am stronger now But also more jaded And fragmented Than ever. He had a bad knee And today, out of nowhere I experience Physical Empath-- My knee... Continue Reading →
We were engaged for 4 years and were together for 7... On April 29th, 13 days from today, I will have left the home I bought with my ex and three step-children for an entire year. Like February 14th, the day he proposed (and changed the meaning of Valentines Day, forever), I don't see myself... Continue Reading →
I used to give him haircuts. At the end he would get pushy With whiskey in his blood: "Can you please cut my hair tonight!?" * Because all I had done that day Was run a business, Pick up and interact with my step-children Prior to making them dinner. * But he was ancy with liquor And,... Continue Reading →
I was never sure what would come from starting a blog. I reached out to an audience at one of the lowest points in my life and never expected, that two months into it, 101 of you would care to read or like a single word I had to say, much less follow me! ❤️... Continue Reading →
So, I'm not going to lie--yesterday I took twice my prescribed dose of Xanax. But I also voyaged on my first solo road trip.... Ever! At 32 years old! I drove 9 hours West of home and with the grace of God, I made it to my destination in one piece. Today, I am looking... Continue Reading →
I don't know why, But I drank last night. On a Tuesday. I filled a beer glass With red wine. Three time. * Three times I chased An amber shot Of Whiskey With wine. * I can't wrap My head around The act Or the reason. But it happened. And I hate the reason-- Why?
So there is vino In my veins. There is moonlight In my shame-- Which bewilders My counterclaim. * So I may be weak But utterly cognizant Of my aim. To regain My flaming Confidence. * And I take steps. I break frets. I steal nets Which catch me In my own depths. * Of self-righteousness--... Continue Reading →
I drank last night. I smoked last night. Yesterday I told him I was falling. I gotta stay high all the time To keep you off my mind I am falling But I can't And I won't Because today is about me. Trying to forget you babe I fall back down My sobs are inconsolable Because... Continue Reading →
Mixed with Irrational dreams: Hallucinatory And as shackling, As sleep paralysis. Apparently, The anxiety The depression The self-induced Inferiority Required a new friend. So today, I will NOT Be suitable For human interaction. I will close My office door. I will scowl At intruders. I will double My coffee intake. I will not return Calls... Continue Reading →
I started peeling away the black nail polish at 1:30 this morning, with the voracity of a prepubescent boy entertaining his first hard on. It was as involuntary as my sobbing over the past eight months. For the past 30 days, I piled layer upon layer of the thick, black goop on my nails; It was... Continue Reading →
For the final four months of my seven year relationship, I slept on the couch, a papasan mattress and ultimately a Queen mattress on the floor of my home office. My nights on the couch weren't frequent at first, I'd sleep there if I was having cramps or unable to get a panic attack to... Continue Reading →
What can I do When nothing Seems cohesive? When Life Is "simply: A jumbled mess Of Anxiety Impropriety And sobriety. While society Delegates Propriety For notoriety, Which never Existed.
Wow... what a month. Bear with me as I get a much needed, month late, chronicle off my chest. It was New Years Eve, exactly one month ago today. I had not been feeling well, so I cancelled my plans to go out. This was an obvious sigh of relief for my newly single, anxious... Continue Reading →
Everything makes me cry And nothing at all. Where the fuck are the trash bags? I'm tired of deliberating Justifying Correlating Where the fuck are my tissues? I'm tired of juxtaposing The transparent With transcendence. Where the fuck is my stability? I'm exhausted My body aches My mind is branched My heart's screams are inaudible.... Continue Reading →
I called and said "I might have the flu" The virus is spreading In America. But my cycle And my wallet Made the choice. Maybe my pride? Fucking strangers And eye contact. Not today.
Put 1000 miles Between us And I'll spill It All. * But I won't reveal My life And socialize. * And I can't tell you Why I rely On strangers Just to Get by. * Utility or Drawback? Anxiety or Trivial Inferiority? * I can't Commit. Equally A Mess. Physically Present. Mentally Transcendent. * Advertising... Continue Reading →
I still feel At the space With the thumb Of my left finger. That finger automatically Gives way And curls Down. But I don't let him touch me anymore I said "I'm not something to butter up And taste when you get bored 'Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors. To... Continue Reading →
I'm trying to remember Why there were so many Nights I chose to drink Alone. So I picked up a bottle: 200mL of Crown Again. So far 3 shots in I'm crying Again. It's a full on 3 tissue mess Up in here 5 songs on repeat: Halsey, Bad at Love Tove Lo, Habits Halsey,... Continue Reading →
I read somewhere that in order to truly get to know a mate, especially prior to marriage, you should at least give a full turn of the seasons to get to know that person. I was automatically intrigued by the notion. Couldn't this apply my relationship with me? In Refusing to Date, I stated I... Continue Reading →
It's been a month Since the unexplainable Crying has crept up On me. Today I cried: When I got angry. And then when I yelled. When I needed A Xanax. When Dr. Phil told his anxious guest Named Danielle That her anxiety was as normal As Kidney Disease. My father had that... Now he's dead.... Continue Reading →
Blood boiling Stomach cramping Heavy-handed Anxiety. Throw in Anger I'm Aggressive. Utterly trapped With cognitive slips I progress backwards. Teeth clinched. Just breath. I am stronger Than this.
Well, today's first real therapy appointment was no different than the first time I presented my anxiety disorder to a GP. I left the office, unimpressed and angry. Faint streaks of mascara were camouflaged by the appearance of dark circles, beneath my eye. I was sure this time would be different: A real therapist would... Continue Reading →
There are those days--the ones where your strengths and weaknesses decide they will work together in solidarity. Yesterday was one of those days; full of plans that I planned all on my own, completely alone. I'd forgotten what a full day felt like and so did my anxiety. 12:00 p.m., I made it to the... Continue Reading →
I had something stolen from me, at the age of nineteen. A friend, of a friend, found himself meritorious. "I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.... Grab ’em by the pussy. You can... Continue Reading →
Today, my therapist's office called to remind me of my first ever therapy appointment, scheduled for Monday morning. Three days. I have previously cried to three different General Practitioners, as I recollected the trials with my anxiety disorder. Monday's appointment is different--a real therapist is involved. And, as if the original script wasn't bad enough,... Continue Reading →
Literally On a physical level. I'm half a Xanax in; A full pain-pill down: my hip is out of place and my sciatic is pinched. Figuratively On a social level. I'm dealing with a minuscule circle: circling the minds of writers; interacting with little intellectual stimulation, in a small Kansas town. Metaphorically On a mental... Continue Reading →
What a week! Since we first met(yes, you). Eight days ago. This morning I am anxious and writing from the desk of my office, at work: a herculean feat, the anxiety-less will not understand; sandbags of weight, pulling at my dominant hand... still I type in an attempt to collect my thoughts. I take half... Continue Reading →
I was doing sogood. And I'll tell you what-- It fucking sucks. Dominant hand trembling-- Heavy head, numbing panic-- Attack. Attack. Attack. I really was doing good. And now one of them are explainable No longer irrationally existing-- So my head wraps around and around And around. I used to be able to drink myself... Continue Reading →
In a previous post, titled "Refusing to Date", I stated that "you cannot love someone unless you know and love yourself." When I left my ex of seven years, I was left with misappropriated sorrow in my heart. It has taken eight months for me to fully absorb this conundrum. Today I know, that I... Continue Reading →
After seven years, my surname never changed. Two years into the relationship, I realized more was expected of me than anyone else in the household(see above list and take into account my facetious nature). Not only did I hold down a full time job as the VP of Operations for a small, international business the... Continue Reading →
My anxiety disorder manifests itself in various ways, during unexplainable times with debilitating frequency. It hasn't been a lifelong relationship, so it's easy for me to blame myself: past drug and alcohol abuse; staying in a relationship which, even after a loogie was hocked in my face, I continued to play the happy fiancé and... Continue Reading →
I picked up a plastic, 200mL bottle of Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey on my way home from work this evening. Construction cones, signs and ravaged asphalt reflected in the large windows which framed the front of the liquor store. As I pulled open the heavy glass door, my stride veered to the left and straight... Continue Reading →