You were inclusive that night, Including everything but me, It seemed. Anything but sweet, Morning love interacted with yesterday’s moonshine, Everything aside from “neat“ But that’s sweet, Never can be beat Everyone is rooting against us— It seems you are too. Still, I love you, it seems. Hurting is not your fault, Just my perception... Continue Reading →
“I went to the woods to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” We arrived after dark, fell into the pillow top mattress, cracked a beer and... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind continually stumbles along lines of bipolar acquainting with other humans. . . Some humans I can laugh with, and we’ve laughed together for years, but it’s unlikely I’ll invite them into my personal space—our home is in another place. Some humans are furniture in my favorite spaces, but there is... Continue Reading →
A variety of patterns and projections— Trajectories, And the like. Out of Gravity by Lora Zombie I made absence yours— Collected the stats where you were relaxed; Calculated my tears as transactions. But my degree is in English And dissecting your jeers, Was intersemiotic, not jest. Absence made mountains Intergalactic controversies. Burdening me Insatiably
Once again, dawning my robe Thinking of you. Yours, and how comfortable-- In blue. 🎶My mother told me that world has got it's plans. I wanna hold 'em till they burn right through my hands.🎶 That ice on my skin, Burning numb And swallowing me. Like protein and smoke. 🎶But rising on up and then... Continue Reading →
I surmised a familiar path, With a new trajectory in mind. I rearranged my brain and heart, And entered four numbers, two times. It was as if I were returning home, It was as if we were streamlined. I pulled up a tiny stool and Noted long, unfamiliar curls-- Quarantined, confined and tied To disfigured... Continue Reading →
Mine have never been straight-- Jagged angles sketched By numbered hands. Singularly shattering All laws of degrees. Yet, soft curves continually Consistently, Captivate and crush me. I trace these lines raw Leaving myself susceptible To disease. Leaving myself, Lethargically I'll at fucking ease.
Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →
My heart breaks Because his, is breaking. Loss in passing. Ours, Yours, Mine. We continue; We break: The same.
Sunday, two-thousand and twenty, Though, Always setting on the twelfth. Sadness sweeps over sleep Uneasy shudders shatter Unextinguished embers. And He's been fucking gone for so fucking long--- My Father. A Not-So-Sweet, Sixteen Years of grief, disbelief And now... She's fucking gone. My Mother. I'm smothered by Seriousness, mixed with Sauvignon. Soundly sinking Into the... Continue Reading →
Because dreams are Unattainable In moments fixed. Confrontational If not transfixed. Recreational Affixed, mixed and Lackadaisical. Fully betwixt And insatiable.
So why do these gasps Bring tears and convulsions? Hyperventilations? You've cut the air from My chest, my continued State of unrest--Utter Dissemination
And I lost "it"-- The label. Forever? I Overthink. After Overthinking, About... Overthinking. Now Just Waiting....
Wanna date me? 😂😂😂 Trying to have a light-hearted evening. Couple drinks with my best girls. We are all so different So confrontational So much.... my family.
Short-lived, serendipitous and sly, I suppose. It's Sunday, I'm sleep-deprived and solemn, to say.... the slightest? Scorned. Scored? Still insecure. So I escaped. I'm secluded, substantially. Sarcastically scared, scratched and screwed. Sense and sensitivity. Sensibilities are shadows. I am a shadow. Spring stands on my shoulders. I stand on sticks of sacrilegious stares. Searching for... Continue Reading →
For Mother's Day I received 6 months Of birth control. Today would be My father's 63rd Birthday. I couldn't imagine Birthing a child, Raising a child, Loving a child-- Making a child happy, Healthy, heroic. So I popped for pills On Mother's Day, One the next. Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat... Retreat.
"... I think today is the day." These are the words my mother said this morning, after she woke me up to help her find her pain pills. Last night my oldest sister decided to purchase her a new sorter for the meds she now has to take, everyday--so upon waking up, her confusion was... Continue Reading →
Like the one My dad stuffed With his gun, That time I thought... Like the one I found his stash Of stems and seeds, The last sack he bought. Like the one That sits in my office, Fifteen years later, Visitors sit in that chair. * Like the one My sister bought She brought it... Continue Reading →
My stomach is telling me that I'm hungry, but at my pill pusher appointment today my weight was down 10 pounds. He also increased my Zoloft 50% because of the depression. It's not that I'm trying to lose weight, but it was nice that I didn't have to do any work. Waste not, want not:... Continue Reading →
Cancer found it's first chance to cinch it's claws deep in my chest. No courtesy. Only consequence and cantankerous chemical combinations. Cigarettes and contrived cassonade cause cancer. Cindy consumes and collects these cancerous creations in her company--constantly. Cindy created my chance to comprehend constellations. Calling her Cindy is off-color. I am her child. She is... Continue Reading →
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... Enough money within her control to move out... And rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to... Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to See Her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... A youth... Continue Reading →
The following is a Note I posted to Facebook. It seems some outlooks never fully get away from us. (Note, I have not read through this yet. And have not made any changes to the original note.) Lackluster Beauty. August 9, 2010 at 2:13 PM Beauty is easily found in everthing a person comes in... Continue Reading →
I'm still not collecting Or connecting Emotions or attachments This week. *• I told my best friend "I would die so you Could live," last week. She has a son. *• I only have a few Degrees and some Ramblings With my name in script. *• I've killed 5 months of progress In less than... Continue Reading →
He would have been 61 He has been gone for 14 years 4 months And 11 days. I was 17 The last time I wished him Happy Birthday In person. Today I'll pick up A can of his chew. I'll take a dip of Skoal Wintergreen Long cut I'll let the shards Cut Into my... Continue Reading →
But after 30 days of planning I'm not. I'm sitting alone, listening to Atlas. You're there Seeing our concert alone. 🎼How do we make this heartbeat on and on?🎼 I'm here Continually thinking "what if?" What If-- I were there? Would we smile? Would we hug? Would we plunge Into the depths of life together?... Continue Reading →
A Response to So I Guess you don't Oscillate For Me Anymore: But how? Why? Out of nowhere! And everywhere. And heat rises. Until it Plateaus With Mid-summer Excess. Heightened beats Sweaty extents. Mind-numbing Acquiescence! I can Sense Future regrets, Transgressions. Sadness. Loss. Love.
He left a voicemail. From 1,204.5 miles away. It was only seven seconds long: "I love you too. Night." Drunk Dialed. Doesn't count.
11 days to go. • I've been planning a trip to Philadelphia, PA for the past month to visit a friend I haven't seen in 8 years. To spend a weekend with Him. My plan was to leave for Philly on the 26th, and head back home on the 29th. 11 days from today. I... Continue Reading →
When March Madness began, I decided I wanted to get back out in the social world--which ultimately meant visiting bars once again. I cannot say it is the best way to get back out into the world, but I have also visited art museums, frequently gone to dinner with my mom and friends, as well... Continue Reading →
Life. It's funny. Thursday I experienced 24 hours of depression, sparked by a poor playlist selection, titled "Emotions 2018". 24 hours later, I played a mix inspired by AJR, which also includes The Wrecks, Dreamers, Twenty-One Pilots, Finish Ticket, The Score, Coin and The Unicorns. It worked. Music is for the soul. Your likes are... Continue Reading →
I'm listening to him snore. Tonight, It's 12am and he fell asleep With his earbuds in The mouthpiece likely Sits near his neck. The vibration of his breathing is Intoxicating Supplementary. Because there is something lacking As I lean on his breath. But how can it be lacking If it's never been there?
The heat wanes But not due to Incompatibility. I've been burned Too many times-- Permanently marred. I can't sink Into oblivion Anymore. Unless it's compatible With my habits-- My needs. My desires are few But imperative-- And mine. The heart wants What the heart Needs.
Culture Comes to Kansas for a Lady https://peeingonmute.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/culture-comes-to-kansas-for-a-lady/ — Read on peeingonmute.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/culture-comes-to-kansas-for-a-lady/
Today I contacted my Alma Mater in regards to getting a second Master's Degree in Public Administration. Apparently: I have a profound desire to make the world(my community) a better place; I love intellectual stimulation; I NEED to get out of KS; I refuse to teach HS English with my first Graduate Degree; I refuse... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind gets weary. I am not only my anxiety. I am not only my depression. I am not only my early-onset OCD. I am not only my ED--if it's there. I was once "dirka squirrel". Please don't take offense, I used to be a belligerent stoner without rules or regulations. I... Continue Reading →
Depression who? I mean, look at that landscape! Below the skyline, you can see the lights of Colorado Springs, right before sunset. It was a frigid 19 degrees with the wind in my face, thousands of feet above sea level. But it wasn't only the wind which took my breath away. Transcendence. I vow to... Continue Reading →
I breathed in And out The Denver air With rigorous voracity. * It put my mind At ease with Past Present Future. * Life became whole Again In this reckless Brain, of mine. * Tomorrow I Will Spring With temperament And a new Found love. * For breathing.
Per suggestions of a close friend, I recently fell into a rabbit hole of stand up comedy acts, on Netflix. I initially wanted to make this a post in my "Divorced but Never Married" series--but in speaking with this friend, I realized I am utterly over drudging on the past transgressions which my ex-fiance inflicted... Continue Reading →
What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM... Continue Reading →