You were inclusive that night, Including everything but me, It seemed. Anything but sweet, Morning love interacted with yesterday’s moonshine, Everything aside from “neat“ But that’s sweet, Never can be beat Everyone is rooting against us— It seems you are too. Still, I love you, it seems. Hurting is not your fault, Just my perception... Continue Reading →
How, good Sir, can i communicate my perception of myself, when I’m near you. How do I behave, according to plan When you skew The epitome of me. Myself, and my ability To decipher why you’re here With me.
“I went to the woods to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” We arrived after dark, fell into the pillow top mattress, cracked a beer and... Continue Reading →
He left patches, And i have... Four pieces i need to connect To lace up my disconnect With two pieces, Velcro, nearly new— A name, an insignia, our two. We thought it’d been laced up, A decade ago, But it fused black marks, Spots filled in that heart, So dark— Forever dark, but warranting Spacious... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind continually stumbles along lines of bipolar acquainting with other humans. . . Some humans I can laugh with, and we’ve laughed together for years, but it’s unlikely I’ll invite them into my personal space—our home is in another place. Some humans are furniture in my favorite spaces, but there is... Continue Reading →
To is not too And it advertently Makes me blue. Sapiosexual Ultimately Currently Asexual in response To your too not meaning Two To me Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough
When I read that book, I know you'll think of me. In juxtaposition... L.I.T.T.E.R.A.L.Y. with the time/ space continuum. The lines will help me realize, that in my deepest despair, the ocean took over mother earth and killed all that was fare. The wine still floweth, unfortunately-- I too long juxtaposed a frivolous reality. That... Continue Reading →
From the start, Pink Starburst Anxiety was a vehicle for my unconquered demons: a space where my mental health was taken seriously, because no one in my life truly seemed to understand how debilitating my anxiety and depression had become. It seemed to transition over the past year to a blog I’m not quite happy... Continue Reading →
It started raining on my way to your place. I took the long way, hoping to calm my incessant nerves. I wondered if the rain was trying to water something in me, I felt so cold, rigid and angry. My thoughts of you weren’t, aren’t fine, kind or blind. And I feel alive for the... Continue Reading →
How many of you made the unfortunate stroll back to your ex due to the Rona? This unfortunate soul did: "See how [she] cowers" No, neither do I. Quarantined enlightenment? Maybe It's ok though. And hopefully if you've made the same trip through this corona-misadventure, you've learned something as well. Diamonds Eyes was always an... Continue Reading →
I believe I've been jaded By dating. Everything is uncomfortable To the touch. Especially the one who spit In my face. He hangs on too long, after my Half-assed hug. I'm tired of feeling diminished Incomplete Fuck dating....
Mine have never been straight-- Jagged angles sketched By numbered hands. Singularly shattering All laws of degrees. Yet, soft curves continually Consistently, Captivate and crush me. I trace these lines raw Leaving myself susceptible To disease. Leaving myself, Lethargically I'll at fucking ease.
Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →
If I liked myself more. I'd care about him less. * If I didn't have a thought, I'd already be got. * If I weren't so broken If I weren't left choking-- While it's soaking in * Give Give Give * Taking nothing away Only fully led astray * And it was worthless You were... Continue Reading →
Decadence Remembrance * All too cloy to employ. * Arrogance Eloquence Fecklessness * A joy? Toy? To destroy? + Fretfulness Helplessness Restlessness * Your golden whipping boy.
So why do these gasps Bring tears and convulsions? Hyperventilations? You've cut the air from My chest, my continued State of unrest--Utter Dissemination
And after my shower. My skin still screams, Tiny bugs or Anxiety's buzz? I continue to cower, Under these layers Of haze and emo bangs. Self-sacrificing, yet dour. I scrub and scrape, My spine quakes alongside sciatic shakes. Has my heart been devoured? Annexed to nothingness? Callous like Xanax?
I skim my snaps and see unfamiliar smiles. Of us, simply serenaded in sweetness. It's astounding: how sadistic, how sorrowful It all seems, sounds, settles: Insta-sad. Substance doesn't seep through, nor sighs. Seeds need substantial sustenance to survive. Yet, this starburst shakes. Depression stays. Anxiety throws her in a sequential haze.
There are always voids. Some fill these voids with food. Some with meds. Alcohol. Narcotics. I prefer a more natural approach, But even then... The void, is a void, Within a void of violent Vowing to value vehemence. Over, vanishing. My void-- The Void, My Vanity Visualizes. Valuable love. * Love with the voracity To... Continue Reading →
Recently I've become rather close to one of my friends and last night, after hours of confused crying and doubling up on my Xanax at her place, I was invited on an all expenses paid, weekend getaway with she and her fiancé. Last night they asked; this morning I forgot. Last night I cried and... Continue Reading →
Sometimes, I just cry. Even on my meds. Little things-- Mom's granola bar, 10 months past expiration. His invitations My fur-babies. My refrigerator My 600lb life. Out of Xanax. Out of money. Out of family. Just cry, baby girl. Just cry.
I'm in another funk-- Self-induced and Mind boggling It's what I do. Destroy myself My happy Perpetually Underestimating Overthinking.... Calling myself A Cunt.
He bought me sushi, And I listened to him snore. He lights My soul On fire. Those fucking Diamond eyes.
Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.
I guess I quit smoking. With my handy dandy Juul. I've lost 2, Bought 2, Owned 3. I quit for a date-- Of the Tinder kind, Alongside, my mother's Recent battle with The C word. I've been surprised, Such an easy switch... Because, I wanted it. It's nice, not needing to buy 2 packs every... Continue Reading →
🎼Go ahead and watch my heart burn With the fire that you started in me But I'll never let you back to put it out🎼 "He wasn't going to come back," I thought to myself. He was going to be the love I lost for no reason--and he hurt ME! He destroyed the Love I... Continue Reading →
Wanna date me? 😂😂😂 Trying to have a light-hearted evening. Couple drinks with my best girls. We are all so different So confrontational So much.... my family.
Tinder.... Ugh. Met one-- Thought of another Messaged a 3rd Sent a selfie to the 4th. None of them, I'm sure. Want me for the long haul.
My ex-fiancé and I have been seeing a bit more of each other lately. He brought two kids to mom's viewing and funeral last month, most of his family attended as well. On Saturday I asked him about the ac needing charged in my car and within an hour, I was in his parents driveway,... Continue Reading →
Followed by 36 hours in bed. Or 40 something hours... I just woke up and don't feel like doing the math. I'm exhausted I need a shower and a pack of smokes. *** Insert Shower *** Roll another smoke from my pouch of Bugler. *** I'm tired of making poor choices but they always seem... Continue Reading →
A few nights back I did something I never thought I had in me... I stabbed the Sheetrock with a pair of scissors, out of general, full blown, tear-filled... RAGE. My response was first shock, at my ability to do something so unlike me... secondly, I chose a different tool, a 14 inch paint brush,... Continue Reading →
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE8mWOgMpP8 I haven't figured out what love is. Have you? I doubt I am a sociopath, so that's not My delay. What's yours? I mean, I love this song, But it doesn't love me back. A man loves this song, and If it reminds him, of me-- What does that mean? I don't even... Continue Reading →
We both medicate to get through the day. But I don't feel his, fully. Might he diminish mine, early? We both shut down in our own way. But our times are off And it is so early on. How do we traverse these waves? The ebb and flow pulsates, picks up and vibrates my soul,... Continue Reading →
I've always been "the nice girl". That's how people from primary and secondary school describe me, on those random occasions when my social anxiety barely allows me to understand their words. I'm definitely not the same girl; not that they'll ever find that out. In my online dating profile on Tinder, I describe myself as... Continue Reading →
And it screams at me. "You're not winning." "You're not willing." "You're not fruitful." Yet I bleed I cry I indulge I'll die Like you. While you... Continue to judge me.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... Enough money within her control to move out... And rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to... Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to See Her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... A youth... Continue Reading →
Arrived at the hospital, 1a.m. My ex fiancé's twin brother. He fell. Fractured his skull in 2 places. Bleeding on the brain. Spinal fluid leaking from his ear. • I'm here. His twin. Is Nowhere In sight. • Some things never change.
And it's really weird. All I get is irritated Or Satirically exhilarated. Leaving my date To surmise my mind Must be extremely aggravated At him or his existence. But it's all just numbing The monotony of this file Of depression I've succumbed to.
I figured it would happen eventually. A man my age showed up out of nowhere. He has a great smile and believe it or not, after 3 weeks, he has yet to say anything asinine or disrespectful. Crazy, right!? He still doesn't know my feelings are M.I.A., that should be an interesting conversation. We'll leave... Continue Reading →
At the very least, he was a month late. Over a month late after 2 weeks of profound avoidance and unanswered questions, texts... He would walk away when I would try to speak to him at our regular bar--which we both continue to use. So, yes, I had to give up on the extremely short... Continue Reading →
I've had a few bad days, three weeks to be exact. I use the NBA Playoffs as an excuse--I dash down to the bar, ingest whiskey neat, by the double. I've found myself running into troubles but it has no effect on me. What affects me is the imbalance of serotonin, or Zoloft, or this... Continue Reading →
🖤🖤🖤🖤 An Ode to a Black Rose. • Permanence Is beautiful And horrifying And Stagnant • Anarchist At best And worst; Always Aflame • Abnormal Modified Collaborating To Conspire • Permanence Is Self-Deprecating And Convivial; My Black Rose. 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I think 4 months of black Nail Polish was necessary and productive but lacking progression. The... Continue Reading →
Mother's Day Is broken-- Fast approaching Can't see my kids I broke The engagement: No step-children No mortgage No home Not a mom I'm childless • I've been working. Forty hours a week For free. For months now. I'm broke I broke My life Somehow I've broken My sobriety I'm breaking My own rules And... Continue Reading →
Today, I hate too much. It sucks. I can't eat a bite without Spitting it back out. I had 3 pieces of sushi On Saturday. A bite of a cookie Yesterday. 3 shots of whiskey Maybe it was 5... 2 shots of tequila 6 or 10 or 15 beers 6 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon Over... Continue Reading →
So of course my readers will know what today is. Last year it was on a Monday. I've been blessed with this Sunday to focus, once again on me--my thoughts. I researched the date: 1992 Deadly riots erupt in Los Angeles 53 people died in the riots, which started after the acquittal of the 4... Continue Reading →
An Anniversary-- The Anniversary A Culmination Of nearly a Decade Absorbed and Gone by. Tomorrow creeps Shrinks and completes My middle journey My epiphany From His entanglement. I am stronger now But also more jaded And fragmented Than ever. He had a bad knee And today, out of nowhere I experience Physical Empath-- My knee... Continue Reading →
Believe it or not, I WAS NOMINATED FOR THE MYSTERY BLOGGER AWARD! Kate over at The Colour of Madness nominated me for the award and I am so happy to have her in my WordPress community. I find a solidarity with her each time I read a new blog post she has written. We are... Continue Reading →
A Response to So I Guess you don't Oscillate For Me Anymore: But how? Why? Out of nowhere! And everywhere. And heat rises. Until it Plateaus With Mid-summer Excess. Heightened beats Sweaty extents. Mind-numbing Acquiescence! I can Sense Future regrets, Transgressions. Sadness. Loss. Love.
He left a voicemail. From 1,204.5 miles away. It was only seven seconds long: "I love you too. Night." Drunk Dialed. Doesn't count.
11 days to go. • I've been planning a trip to Philadelphia, PA for the past month to visit a friend I haven't seen in 8 years. To spend a weekend with Him. My plan was to leave for Philly on the 26th, and head back home on the 29th. 11 days from today. I... Continue Reading →
We were engaged for 4 years and were together for 7... On April 29th, 13 days from today, I will have left the home I bought with my ex and three step-children for an entire year. Like February 14th, the day he proposed (and changed the meaning of Valentines Day, forever), I don't see myself... Continue Reading →
When March Madness began, I decided I wanted to get back out in the social world--which ultimately meant visiting bars once again. I cannot say it is the best way to get back out into the world, but I have also visited art museums, frequently gone to dinner with my mom and friends, as well... Continue Reading →
I used to give him haircuts. At the end he would get pushy With whiskey in his blood: "Can you please cut my hair tonight!?" * Because all I had done that day Was run a business, Pick up and interact with my step-children Prior to making them dinner. * But he was ancy with liquor And,... Continue Reading →
It's a well known fact to me. I am not right for anyone. There are too many faults in my stars. There are too many discrepancies. There is no "to the moon and back" When deficiencies are all encompassing. * I feel terrible for anyone who thinks They have fallen in love with me. Because... Continue Reading →
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY0h906bu9w&list=PLOIxgRVG9IRa6bXoALuZFj_MAacriUrd6 For the past two days, I have engrossed myself in the songs of these beautiful ladies. Loftän is an upcoming German/American band who has stolen my heart and my brainwaves. When I connect with music, it somehow becomes ingrained in my soul. Undercover girl opens with a line which automatically hit my feelers: She took... Continue Reading →
I'm listening to him snore. Tonight, It's 12am and he fell asleep With his earbuds in The mouthpiece likely Sits near his neck. The vibration of his breathing is Intoxicating Supplementary. Because there is something lacking As I lean on his breath. But how can it be lacking If it's never been there?
I was never sure what would come from starting a blog. I reached out to an audience at one of the lowest points in my life and never expected, that two months into it, 101 of you would care to read or like a single word I had to say, much less follow me! ❤️... Continue Reading →
After more Than a year. I felt lips-- Again. * Today, It doesn't Feel Right-- Again. * My team Was defeated And I lost-- Again. * I said: I Vow To Live, Again. * It is Not Living If it is with Those Lips.
Culture Comes to Kansas for a Lady https://peeingonmute.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/culture-comes-to-kansas-for-a-lady/ — Read on peeingonmute.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/culture-comes-to-kansas-for-a-lady/
Thank you Jeazele, for this lovely poem! It directly describes my current conundrum with loving. I am jaded--I love to love--but I am dedicated to myself. Hopeful that one day, a soulmate will find me with an open heart. But Then I Met You https://ascerblog.xyz/2018/03/02/but-then-i-met-you/ — Read on ascerblog.xyz/2018/03/02/but-then-i-met-you/
Today I contacted my Alma Mater in regards to getting a second Master's Degree in Public Administration. Apparently: I have a profound desire to make the world(my community) a better place; I love intellectual stimulation; I NEED to get out of KS; I refuse to teach HS English with my first Graduate Degree; I refuse... Continue Reading →
Depression who? I mean, look at that landscape! Below the skyline, you can see the lights of Colorado Springs, right before sunset. It was a frigid 19 degrees with the wind in my face, thousands of feet above sea level. But it wasn't only the wind which took my breath away. Transcendence. I vow to... Continue Reading →
Per suggestions of a close friend, I recently fell into a rabbit hole of stand up comedy acts, on Netflix. I initially wanted to make this a post in my "Divorced but Never Married" series--but in speaking with this friend, I realized I am utterly over drudging on the past transgressions which my ex-fiance inflicted... Continue Reading →
My vulnerabilities Aren't stronger Than my character-- Anymore. * So last night I did. Last night I danced--I sang. I'm 32, but danced Like I was 21. * I locked eyes With masculine strangers-- They'd inch closer, Hand on hip--but no. Not yet. * I vow to indulge But not be consumed. Because it was... Continue Reading →
What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM... Continue Reading →
Four years ago he asked me to marry him; I said yes and we played adult board games for the remainder of that Valentines Day. I think I'm going to sell the engagement ring. I'm going to sell the pearl necklace, because it's a white pearl. My heart is suited to Tahitian Pearls. There was... Continue Reading →
I'm used to the burden Regardless of my Waning strengths, I will bandage Your paper cuts-- While a major artery Flows with fury From my body. Because you mean Everything or Something. But definitely Not nothing.
It's followed me For fifteen years. Around every corner of depression and elation-- Agitation. A green, blueprint to So many bad Selections. Fabricating a dark Chasam In my cognitive Suggestions. My longest Relationship-- A soul-destroying Anthology Of numbing Concentration. So today-- I give you up. For clarity. For brighter Moments. For better Tomorrows.
For the final four months of my seven year relationship, I slept on the couch, a papasan mattress and ultimately a Queen mattress on the floor of my home office. My nights on the couch weren't frequent at first, I'd sleep there if I was having cramps or unable to get a panic attack to... Continue Reading →
I wasn't able to post this weekend. So you're welcome. I am sure everyone likes a break from the monotony of my fragmented prose and sporadic poetics. My weekend was full to the brim, but not in the optimistic sense. I was literally in constant motion--which entailed nearly six full hours of driving, five of... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind takes time to understand the frivolous nature of society--before it stages it's coup de grâce. Photo credit: What's Wrong With Today's Society Captured In 10+ Though-Provoking Illustrations By Al Margen
What can I do When nothing Seems cohesive? When Life Is "simply: A jumbled mess Of Anxiety Impropriety And sobriety. While society Delegates Propriety For notoriety, Which never Existed.
Wow... what a month. Bear with me as I get a much needed, month late, chronicle off my chest. It was New Years Eve, exactly one month ago today. I had not been feeling well, so I cancelled my plans to go out. This was an obvious sigh of relief for my newly single, anxious... Continue Reading →
Everything makes me cry And nothing at all. Where the fuck are the trash bags? I'm tired of deliberating Justifying Correlating Where the fuck are my tissues? I'm tired of juxtaposing The transparent With transcendence. Where the fuck is my stability? I'm exhausted My body aches My mind is branched My heart's screams are inaudible.... Continue Reading →
I called and said "I might have the flu" The virus is spreading In America. But my cycle And my wallet Made the choice. Maybe my pride? Fucking strangers And eye contact. Not today.
Put 1000 miles Between us And I'll spill It All. * But I won't reveal My life And socialize. * And I can't tell you Why I rely On strangers Just to Get by. * Utility or Drawback? Anxiety or Trivial Inferiority? * I can't Commit. Equally A Mess. Physically Present. Mentally Transcendent. * Advertising... Continue Reading →
I vow to make smarter choices this time around. That is when I finally take the leap... It cannot be Simply carnal. Even though It's all electric And raw. The passion! There will be No room For vanity I need intellectual Fornication. Mental Stimulation. Heart pounding Mind stinging Resuscitation Of Shakespeare's Hamlet and Austen's sensibilities.... Continue Reading →
I still feel At the space With the thumb Of my left finger. That finger automatically Gives way And curls Down. But I don't let him touch me anymore I said "I'm not something to butter up And taste when you get bored 'Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors. To... Continue Reading →
I read somewhere that in order to truly get to know a mate, especially prior to marriage, you should at least give a full turn of the seasons to get to know that person. I was automatically intrigued by the notion. Couldn't this apply my relationship with me? In Refusing to Date, I stated I... Continue Reading →
It's been a month Since the unexplainable Crying has crept up On me. Today I cried: When I got angry. And then when I yelled. When I needed A Xanax. When Dr. Phil told his anxious guest Named Danielle That her anxiety was as normal As Kidney Disease. My father had that... Now he's dead.... Continue Reading →
Well, today's first real therapy appointment was no different than the first time I presented my anxiety disorder to a GP. I left the office, unimpressed and angry. Faint streaks of mascara were camouflaged by the appearance of dark circles, beneath my eye. I was sure this time would be different: A real therapist would... Continue Reading →
There are those days--the ones where your strengths and weaknesses decide they will work together in solidarity. Yesterday was one of those days; full of plans that I planned all on my own, completely alone. I'd forgotten what a full day felt like and so did my anxiety. 12:00 p.m., I made it to the... Continue Reading →
Today, my therapist's office called to remind me of my first ever therapy appointment, scheduled for Monday morning. Three days. I have previously cried to three different General Practitioners, as I recollected the trials with my anxiety disorder. Monday's appointment is different--a real therapist is involved. And, as if the original script wasn't bad enough,... Continue Reading →
In a previous post, titled "Refusing to Date", I stated that "you cannot love someone unless you know and love yourself." When I left my ex of seven years, I was left with misappropriated sorrow in my heart. It has taken eight months for me to fully absorb this conundrum. Today I know, that I... Continue Reading →
There are times, as an adult, where you step back and wonder how you let far-fetched butterflies bombard your system. Raw. Sensual. Unrequited Excitement. I nearly made it a full day without my Xanax.
Everything clicked today. Well, not everything, of course, but in 50degree weather, I braved out into the world and contemplated some of my demons. At one point, I felt the endorphins in my body release and that old feeling of contentment enveloped me. I had errands to run: I needed to pick up some blank... Continue Reading →
After seven years, my surname never changed. Two years into the relationship, I realized more was expected of me than anyone else in the household(see above list and take into account my facetious nature). Not only did I hold down a full time job as the VP of Operations for a small, international business the... Continue Reading →