Inclusion

You were inclusive that night, Including everything but me, It seemed. Anything but sweet, Morning love interacted with yesterday’s moonshine, Everything aside from “neat“ But that’s sweet, Never can be beat Everyone is rooting against us— It seems you are too. Still, I love you, it seems. Hurting is not your fault, Just my perception... Continue Reading →

Perception

How, good Sir, can i communicate my perception of myself, when I’m near you. How do I behave, according to plan When you skew The epitome of me. Myself, and my ability To decipher why you’re here With me.

Moments of Glory

“I went to the woods to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” We arrived after dark, fell into the pillow top mattress, cracked a beer and... Continue Reading →

And A Month Into It

He left patches, And i have... Four pieces i need to connect To lace up my disconnect With two pieces, Velcro, nearly new— A name, an insignia, our two. We thought it’d been laced up, A decade ago, But it fused black marks, Spots filled in that heart, So dark— Forever dark, but warranting Spacious... Continue Reading →

Friendships Are Hard

The depressed and anxious mind continually stumbles along lines of bipolar acquainting with other humans. . . Some humans I can laugh with, and we’ve laughed together for years, but it’s unlikely I’ll invite them into my personal space—our home is in another place. Some humans are furniture in my favorite spaces, but there is... Continue Reading →

Pterodactyls

To is not too And it advertently Makes me blue. Sapiosexual Ultimately Currently Asexual in response To your too not meaning Two To me Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough

Bubblegum and cigarettes

When I read that book, I know you'll think of me. In juxtaposition... L.I.T.T.E.R.A.L.Y. with the time/ space continuum. The lines will help me realize, that in my deepest despair, the ocean took over mother earth and killed all that was fare. The wine still floweth, unfortunately-- I too long juxtaposed a frivolous reality. That... Continue Reading →

PSA: An Uncomfortable Trajectory

From the start, Pink Starburst Anxiety was a vehicle for my unconquered demons: a space where my mental health was taken seriously, because no one in my life truly seemed to understand how debilitating my anxiety and depression had become. It seemed to transition over the past year to a blog I’m not quite happy... Continue Reading →

Spare Keys

It started raining on my way to your place. I took the long way, hoping to calm my incessant nerves. I wondered if the rain was trying to water something in me, I felt so cold, rigid and angry. My thoughts of you weren’t, aren’t fine, kind or blind. And I feel alive for the... Continue Reading →

No ‘Rona’ Regerts

How many of you made the unfortunate stroll back to your ex due to the Rona? This unfortunate soul did: "See how [she] cowers" No, neither do I. Quarantined enlightenment? Maybe It's ok though. And hopefully if you've made the same trip through this corona-misadventure, you've learned something as well. Diamonds Eyes was always an... Continue Reading →

Drawing Lines

Mine have never been straight-- Jagged angles sketched By numbered hands. Singularly shattering All laws of degrees. Yet, soft curves continually Consistently, Captivate and crush me. I trace these lines raw Leaving myself susceptible To disease. Leaving myself, Lethargically I'll at fucking ease.

Statistically Stagnant

Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →

Worthless

If I liked myself more. I'd care about him less. * If I didn't have a thought, I'd already be got. * If I weren't so broken If I weren't left choking-- While it's soaking in * Give Give Give * Taking nothing away Only fully led astray * And it was worthless You were... Continue Reading →

Afterwards

And after my shower. My skin still screams, Tiny bugs or Anxiety's buzz? I continue to cower, Under these layers Of haze and emo bangs. Self-sacrificing, yet dour. I scrub and scrape, My spine quakes alongside sciatic shakes. Has my heart been devoured? Annexed to nothingness? Callous like Xanax?

Lost or Enlightened?

There are always voids. Some fill these voids with food. Some with meds. Alcohol. Narcotics. I prefer a more natural approach, But even then... The void, is a void, Within a void of violent Vowing to value vehemence. Over, vanishing. My void-- The Void, My Vanity Visualizes. Valuable love. * Love with the voracity To... Continue Reading →

Heading Back To Decompress

Recently I've become rather close to one of my friends and last night, after hours of confused crying and doubling up on my Xanax at her place, I was invited on an all expenses paid, weekend getaway with she and her fiancé. Last night they asked; this morning I forgot. Last night I cried and... Continue Reading →

Just Cry

Sometimes, I just cry. Even on my meds. Little things-- Mom's granola bar, 10 months past expiration. His invitations My fur-babies. My refrigerator My 600lb life. Out of Xanax. Out of money. Out of family. Just cry, baby girl. Just cry.

My Funk

I'm in another funk-- Self-induced and Mind boggling It's what I do. Destroy myself My happy Perpetually Underestimating Overthinking.... Calling myself A Cunt.

Boxed Cab: At the Bar

Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.

Kicking Out the Cancer Sticks

I guess I quit smoking. With my handy dandy Juul. I've lost 2, Bought 2, Owned 3. I quit for a date-- Of the Tinder kind, Alongside, my mother's Recent battle with The C word. I've been surprised, Such an easy switch... Because, I wanted it. It's nice, not needing to buy 2 packs every... Continue Reading →

When Music Hits

🎼Go ahead and watch my heart burn With the fire that you started in me But I'll never let you back to put it out🎼 "He wasn't going to come back," I thought to myself. He was going to be the love I lost for no reason--and he hurt ME! He destroyed the Love I... Continue Reading →

Taking Applications

Wanna date me? 😂😂😂 Trying to have a light-hearted evening. Couple drinks with my best girls. We are all so different So confrontational So much.... my family.

36 Hours Without Sleep

Followed by 36 hours in bed. Or 40 something hours... I just woke up and don't feel like doing the math. I'm exhausted I need a shower and a pack of smokes. *** Insert Shower *** Roll another smoke from my pouch of Bugler. *** I'm tired of making poor choices but they always seem... Continue Reading →

More Holes in Walls

A few nights back I did something I never thought I had in me... I stabbed the Sheetrock with a pair of scissors, out of general, full blown, tear-filled... RAGE. My response was first shock, at my ability to do something so unlike me... secondly, I chose a different tool, a 14 inch paint brush,... Continue Reading →

Medicated and Dating

We both medicate to get through the day. But I don't feel his, fully. Might he diminish mine, early? We both shut down in our own way. But our times are off And it is so early on. How do we traverse these waves? The ebb and flow pulsates, picks up and vibrates my soul,... Continue Reading →

Me, Myself and I.

I've always been "the nice girl". That's how people from primary and secondary school describe me, on those random occasions when my social anxiety barely allows me to understand their words. I'm definitely not the same girl; not that they'll ever find that out. In my online dating profile on Tinder, I describe myself as... Continue Reading →

Day 1

And it screams at me. "You're not winning." "You're not willing." "You're not fruitful." Yet I bleed I cry I indulge I'll die Like you. While you... Continue to judge me.

Black Nail Polish: Part 4; Permanently Painted

🖤🖤🖤🖤 An Ode to a Black Rose. • Permanence Is beautiful And horrifying And Stagnant • Anarchist At best And worst; Always Aflame • Abnormal Modified Collaborating To Conspire • Permanence Is Self-Deprecating And Convivial; My Black Rose. 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I think 4 months of black Nail Polish was necessary and productive but lacking progression. The... Continue Reading →

I’m Broke, Broken and Breaking

Mother's Day Is broken-- Fast approaching Can't see my kids I broke The engagement: No step-children No mortgage No home Not a mom I'm childless • I've been working. Forty hours a week For free. For months now. I'm broke I broke My life Somehow I've broken My sobriety I'm breaking My own rules And... Continue Reading →

Depression Strikes Again

Today, I hate too much. It sucks. I can't eat a bite without Spitting it back out. I had 3 pieces of sushi On Saturday. A bite of a cookie Yesterday. 3 shots of whiskey Maybe it was 5... 2 shots of tequila 6 or 10 or 15 beers 6 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon Over... Continue Reading →

On This Day

So of course my readers will know what today is. Last year it was on a Monday. I've been blessed with this Sunday to focus, once again on me--my thoughts. I researched the date: 1992 Deadly riots erupt in Los Angeles 53 people died in the riots, which started after the acquittal of the 4... Continue Reading →

It’s That Time: April 29th, 2018

An Anniversary-- The Anniversary A Culmination Of nearly a Decade Absorbed and Gone by. Tomorrow creeps Shrinks and completes My middle journey My epiphany From His entanglement. I am stronger now But also more jaded And fragmented Than ever. He had a bad knee And today, out of nowhere I experience Physical Empath-- My knee... Continue Reading →

Mystery Blogger Award

Believe it or not, I WAS NOMINATED FOR THE MYSTERY BLOGGER AWARD! Kate over at The Colour of Madness nominated me for the award and I am so happy to have her in my WordPress community. I find a solidarity with her each time I read a new blog post she has written. We are... Continue Reading →

Oscillation Carries On

A Response to So I Guess you don't Oscillate For Me Anymore: But how? Why? Out of nowhere! And everywhere. And heat rises. Until it Plateaus With Mid-summer Excess. Heightened beats Sweaty extents. Mind-numbing Acquiescence! I can Sense Future regrets, Transgressions. Sadness. Loss. Love.

Lofty Thoughts With Loftän

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY0h906bu9w&list=PLOIxgRVG9IRa6bXoALuZFj_MAacriUrd6   For the past two days, I have engrossed myself in the songs of these beautiful ladies.  Loftän is an upcoming German/American band who has stolen my heart and my brainwaves. When I connect with music, it somehow becomes ingrained in my soul. Undercover girl opens with a line which automatically hit my feelers: She took... Continue Reading →

I’m Listening

I'm listening to him snore. Tonight, It's 12am and he fell asleep With his earbuds in The mouthpiece likely Sits near his neck. The vibration of his breathing is Intoxicating Supplementary. Because there is something lacking As I lean on his breath. But how can it be lacking If it's never been there?

To My 101 Companions

I was never sure what would come from starting a blog. I reached out to an audience at one of the lowest points in my life and never expected, that two months into it, 101 of you would care to read or like a single word I had to say, much less follow me! ❤️... Continue Reading →

Lips on Lips

After more Than a year. I felt lips-- Again. * Today, It doesn't Feel Right-- Again. * My team Was defeated And I lost-- Again. * I said: I Vow To Live, Again. * It is Not Living If it is with Those Lips.

Going Back for Future Trajectories

Today I contacted my Alma Mater in regards to getting a second Master's Degree in Public Administration. Apparently: I have a profound desire to make the world(my community) a better place; I love intellectual stimulation; I NEED to get out of KS; I refuse to teach HS English with my first Graduate Degree; I refuse... Continue Reading →

I Vow to Live, Again.

My vulnerabilities Aren't stronger Than my character-- Anymore. * So last night I did. Last night I danced--I sang. I'm 32, but danced Like I was 21. * I locked eyes With masculine strangers-- They'd inch closer, Hand on hip--but no. Not yet. * I vow to indulge But not be consumed. Because it was... Continue Reading →

I Have Conquered… Something.

What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM... Continue Reading →

A Valentine to Forget

Four years ago he asked me to marry him; I said yes and we played adult board games for the remainder of that Valentines Day. I think I'm going to sell the engagement ring. I'm going to sell the pearl necklace, because it's a white pearl. My heart is suited to Tahitian Pearls. There was... Continue Reading →

Lean On Me

I'm used to the burden Regardless of my Waning strengths, I will bandage Your paper cuts-- While a major artery Flows with fury From my body. Because you mean Everything or Something. But definitely Not nothing.

Can Abyss

It's followed me For fifteen years. Around every corner of depression and elation-- Agitation. A green, blueprint to So many bad Selections. Fabricating a dark Chasam In my cognitive Suggestions. My longest Relationship-- A soul-destroying Anthology Of numbing Concentration. So today-- I give you up. For clarity. For brighter Moments. For better Tomorrows.

Lady Parts

I wasn't able to post this weekend. So you're welcome. I am sure everyone likes a break from the monotony of my fragmented prose and sporadic poetics. My weekend was full to the brim, but not in the optimistic sense. I was literally in constant motion--which entailed nearly six full hours of driving, five of... Continue Reading →

Fact No. 2

The depressed and anxious mind takes time to understand the frivolous nature of society--before it stages it's coup de grâce.   Photo credit: What's Wrong With Today's Society Captured In 10+ Though-Provoking Illustrations By Al Margen

Fragmented Reality

What can I do When nothing Seems cohesive? When Life Is "simply: A jumbled mess Of Anxiety Impropriety And sobriety. While society Delegates Propriety For notoriety, Which never Existed.

Wasting Black Eye Liner

Everything makes me cry And nothing at all. Where the fuck are the trash bags? I'm tired of deliberating Justifying Correlating Where the fuck are my tissues? I'm tired of juxtaposing The transparent With transcendence. Where the fuck is my stability? I'm exhausted My body aches My mind is branched My heart's screams are inaudible.... Continue Reading →

Opening Up

Put 1000 miles Between us And I'll spill It All. * But I won't reveal My life And socialize. * And I can't tell you Why I rely On strangers Just to Get by. * Utility or Drawback? Anxiety or Trivial Inferiority? * I can't Commit. Equally A Mess. Physically Present. Mentally Transcendent. * Advertising... Continue Reading →

Refusing to Date: Choices; Part 3.

I vow to make smarter choices this time around. That is when I finally take the leap... It cannot be Simply carnal. Even though It's all electric And raw. The passion! There will be No room For vanity I need intellectual Fornication. Mental Stimulation. Heart pounding Mind stinging Resuscitation Of Shakespeare's Hamlet and Austen's sensibilities.... Continue Reading →

Crying Again

It's been a month Since the unexplainable Crying has crept up On me. Today I cried: When I got angry. And then when I yelled. When I needed A Xanax. When Dr. Phil told his anxious guest Named Danielle That her anxiety was as normal As Kidney Disease. My father had that... Now he's dead.... Continue Reading →

To Medicate?

Well, today's first real therapy appointment was no different than the first time I presented my anxiety disorder to a GP. I left the office, unimpressed and angry. Faint streaks of mascara were camouflaged by the appearance of dark circles, beneath my eye. I was sure this time would be different: A real therapist would... Continue Reading →

Discovering Death

There are those days--the ones where your strengths and weaknesses decide they will work together in solidarity. Yesterday was one of those days; full of plans that I planned all on my own, completely alone. I'd forgotten what a full day felt like and so did my anxiety. 12:00 p.m., I made it to the... Continue Reading →

Reminder Call

Today, my therapist's office called to remind me of my first ever therapy appointment, scheduled for Monday morning. Three days. I have previously cried to three different General Practitioners, as I recollected the trials with my anxiety disorder. Monday's appointment is different--a real therapist is involved. And, as if the original script wasn't bad enough,... Continue Reading →

Irrational Happiness

There are times, as an adult, where you step back and wonder how you let far-fetched butterflies bombard your system. Raw. Sensual. Unrequited Excitement. I nearly made it a full day without my Xanax.

Driving with my Brights On

Everything clicked today. Well, not everything, of course, but in 50degree weather, I braved out into the world and contemplated some of my demons. At one point, I felt the endorphins in my body release and that old feeling of contentment enveloped me. I had errands to run: I needed to pick up some blank... Continue Reading →

Divorced but Never Married: Part 1.

After seven years, my surname never changed. Two years into the relationship, I realized more was expected of me than anyone else in the household(see above list and take into account my facetious nature). Not only did I hold down a full time job as the VP of Operations for a small, international business the... Continue Reading →

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