The depressed and anxious mind continually stumbles along lines of bipolar acquainting with other humans. . . Some humans I can laugh with, and we’ve laughed together for years, but it’s unlikely I’ll invite them into my personal space—our home is in another place. Some humans are furniture in my favorite spaces, but there is... Continue Reading →
Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.
And it screams at me. "You're not winning." "You're not willing." "You're not fruitful." Yet I bleed I cry I indulge I'll die Like you. While you... Continue to judge me.
Arrived at the hospital, 1a.m. My ex fiancé's twin brother. He fell. Fractured his skull in 2 places. Bleeding on the brain. Spinal fluid leaking from his ear. • I'm here. His twin. Is Nowhere In sight. • Some things never change.
Mother's Day Is broken-- Fast approaching Can't see my kids I broke The engagement: No step-children No mortgage No home Not a mom I'm childless • I've been working. Forty hours a week For free. For months now. I'm broke I broke My life Somehow I've broken My sobriety I'm breaking My own rules And... Continue Reading →
Today I contacted my Alma Mater in regards to getting a second Master's Degree in Public Administration. Apparently: I have a profound desire to make the world(my community) a better place; I love intellectual stimulation; I NEED to get out of KS; I refuse to teach HS English with my first Graduate Degree; I refuse... Continue Reading →
Per suggestions of a close friend, I recently fell into a rabbit hole of stand up comedy acts, on Netflix. I initially wanted to make this a post in my "Divorced but Never Married" series--but in speaking with this friend, I realized I am utterly over drudging on the past transgressions which my ex-fiance inflicted... Continue Reading →
I'm used to the burden Regardless of my Waning strengths, I will bandage Your paper cuts-- While a major artery Flows with fury From my body. Because you mean Everything or Something. But definitely Not nothing.
For the final four months of my seven year relationship, I slept on the couch, a papasan mattress and ultimately a Queen mattress on the floor of my home office. My nights on the couch weren't frequent at first, I'd sleep there if I was having cramps or unable to get a panic attack to... Continue Reading →
I wasn't able to post this weekend. So you're welcome. I am sure everyone likes a break from the monotony of my fragmented prose and sporadic poetics. My weekend was full to the brim, but not in the optimistic sense. I was literally in constant motion--which entailed nearly six full hours of driving, five of... Continue Reading →
Wow... what a month. Bear with me as I get a much needed, month late, chronicle off my chest. It was New Years Eve, exactly one month ago today. I had not been feeling well, so I cancelled my plans to go out. This was an obvious sigh of relief for my newly single, anxious... Continue Reading →
I called and said "I might have the flu" The virus is spreading In America. But my cycle And my wallet Made the choice. Maybe my pride? Fucking strangers And eye contact. Not today.
Put 1000 miles Between us And I'll spill It All. * But I won't reveal My life And socialize. * And I can't tell you Why I rely On strangers Just to Get by. * Utility or Drawback? Anxiety or Trivial Inferiority? * I can't Commit. Equally A Mess. Physically Present. Mentally Transcendent. * Advertising... Continue Reading →
I vow to make smarter choices this time around. That is when I finally take the leap... It cannot be Simply carnal. Even though It's all electric And raw. The passion! There will be No room For vanity I need intellectual Fornication. Mental Stimulation. Heart pounding Mind stinging Resuscitation Of Shakespeare's Hamlet and Austen's sensibilities.... Continue Reading →
I still feel At the space With the thumb Of my left finger. That finger automatically Gives way And curls Down. But I don't let him touch me anymore I said "I'm not something to butter up And taste when you get bored 'Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors. To... Continue Reading →
I read somewhere that in order to truly get to know a mate, especially prior to marriage, you should at least give a full turn of the seasons to get to know that person. I was automatically intrigued by the notion. Couldn't this apply my relationship with me? In Refusing to Date, I stated I... Continue Reading →
It's been a month Since the unexplainable Crying has crept up On me. Today I cried: When I got angry. And then when I yelled. When I needed A Xanax. When Dr. Phil told his anxious guest Named Danielle That her anxiety was as normal As Kidney Disease. My father had that... Now he's dead.... Continue Reading →
There are those days--the ones where your strengths and weaknesses decide they will work together in solidarity. Yesterday was one of those days; full of plans that I planned all on my own, completely alone. I'd forgotten what a full day felt like and so did my anxiety. 12:00 p.m., I made it to the... Continue Reading →
Today, my therapist's office called to remind me of my first ever therapy appointment, scheduled for Monday morning. Three days. I have previously cried to three different General Practitioners, as I recollected the trials with my anxiety disorder. Monday's appointment is different--a real therapist is involved. And, as if the original script wasn't bad enough,... Continue Reading →
Everything clicked today. Well, not everything, of course, but in 50degree weather, I braved out into the world and contemplated some of my demons. At one point, I felt the endorphins in my body release and that old feeling of contentment enveloped me. I had errands to run: I needed to pick up some blank... Continue Reading →
After seven years, my surname never changed. Two years into the relationship, I realized more was expected of me than anyone else in the household(see above list and take into account my facetious nature). Not only did I hold down a full time job as the VP of Operations for a small, international business the... Continue Reading →