Thirty-Four And Fragile

Calloused hands don’t determine the dexterity, one has to offer. Tan lines on imperfect bodies are hard to swallow. Similar journey’s began untarnished, ignorant and lackadaisical. Later Quests fulfilled with a variety of abandonment and astonishments. I’d rather life start taking body parts, dismembering my heart first.

Not One of Them

Sisters-- It's said their sparks Are supposedly, Not sporadically Sensational in sequestering Solidarity. * Your Starburst Seemingly lacks Sisterly spirit. She splinters, She solemnly sleeps In severe solitude. * Her sisters Sentencing her Severely, ceaselessly Shoulder to shoulder Side by side. Sister-like. * Speechless I subside Inside, outside Inside, outside Sleeplessness Suggests This sheep is... Continue Reading →

Puffy Eyes and Thunder Storms in Kansas

I cried all night And into the morning. I woke up late And into reality. Puffy eyes mean Double the eyeliner. Puffy eyes mean Today's tears come easy. Too easy at work Too easy in the mirror Too easy with side hugs Too easy like this storm. And it feels like hail.

Pins, Needles and Night Sweats

When was the last time I pondered my physical comfort in regards to my mental state? NeverCan you ever be clear-headed when depression and anxiety transcend and gyrate? DoubtfulIt seems, these tingles--the pins and needles are a substrate, commingling with my nerves. MenacingWaking, just to ponder the discomforting sweats, days after my last drops were... Continue Reading →

I Ran Out of Xanax… And Insurance.

My insurance is no longer active and I called to refill my prescription on Thursday. My pill-pusher won't see me without an appointment--I cannot afford therapy without insurance. Isn't life grand? When in a drought, you might die of thirst. Without Xanax I'm fine, I guess. After 5 years of panxiety attacks, I've learned that... Continue Reading →

Nothing Normal About Being Numb

I'm still not collecting Or connecting Emotions or attachments This week. *• I told my best friend "I would die so you Could live," last week. She has a son. *• I only have a few Degrees and some Ramblings With my name in script. *• I've killed 5 months of progress In less than... Continue Reading →

Fact #3

The depressed and anxious mind condemns the chemical imbalance as the body performs its continuous combative criticisms.

I’m Exhausted, Beyond Belief

My brain. My heart. My body. In complete and utter exhaustion. I called my pill pusher to see if I could up my Zoloft by 25mg. He concurred. 75mg down the hatch. The attacks have commenced On a daily basis--without bias. My chest feels compressed And predominately over stressed. Stomach aches. Back aches. Heart aches--... Continue Reading →

Xanax at 3 a.m.

I far surpassed my twenty-four hours without Xanax Again. But now I am insomniatic to an exponential Extent. I can't get all the pressures off my character's chest Again. It's a revolving door of inadequacy--I can't Prevent. I've been impaled with all consuming transgressions that Assume I won't be able to weather the demonic despair... Continue Reading →

Social Media Frenzy

It's such a weird itch-- I continue to scratch. And like after like Follow after follow I smile and retract My previous conditions. Selfies ensue. Four varying Personalities: Facebook: Frenemies. Instagram: Desperately. Twitter: Politically. WordPress...? Understandably. Now I have social media anxiety.

Lofty Thoughts With Loftän

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY0h906bu9w&list=PLOIxgRVG9IRa6bXoALuZFj_MAacriUrd6   For the past two days, I have engrossed myself in the songs of these beautiful ladies.  Loftän is an upcoming German/American band who has stolen my heart and my brainwaves. When I connect with music, it somehow becomes ingrained in my soul. Undercover girl opens with a line which automatically hit my feelers: She took... Continue Reading →

Forgetting My Dose(s)

I'm not sure what happened. So now I've found depression. Filtered by consumption. Without decompression. * Now my head pounds with ferocity. My heart confounded by monotony. My pride has no continuity. And damn you! unbeatable vanity. * But at least it's not numb. Because now in my glum-- State, I consciously succumb To reality's... Continue Reading →

I’m Listening

I'm listening to him snore. Tonight, It's 12am and he fell asleep With his earbuds in The mouthpiece likely Sits near his neck. The vibration of his breathing is Intoxicating Supplementary. Because there is something lacking As I lean on his breath. But how can it be lacking If it's never been there?

24 Hours Without Xanax.

Fifteen minutes prior to leaving for my Talk Therapy appointment, yesterday, I felt an attack coming on--so i took half of a Xanax. On my drive to her office, my heart beat increased and I took the other half. Typically, I would have taken another half around 9pm, to curb the tensions my mind had... Continue Reading →

Lips on Lips

After more Than a year. I felt lips-- Again. * Today, It doesn't Feel Right-- Again. * My team Was defeated And I lost-- Again. * I said: I Vow To Live, Again. * It is Not Living If it is with Those Lips.

I Drank… On A Weeknight.

I don't know why, But I drank last night. On a Tuesday. I filled a beer glass With red wine. Three time. * Three times I chased An amber shot Of Whiskey With wine. * I can't wrap My head around The act Or the reason. But it happened. And I hate the reason-- Why?

I Have Conquered… Something.

What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM... Continue Reading →

Strangers

There were strangers in my head last night. For the few hours of drifting into sleep-- There were strangers in my house last night. But they weren't actually there--there. Dozens filled the small room around my bed. I fought my way out of that stranger filled room And found my mother, out of place. She was... Continue Reading →

Insomnia

Mixed with Irrational dreams: Hallucinatory And as shackling, As sleep paralysis. Apparently, The anxiety The depression The self-induced Inferiority Required a new friend. So today, I will NOT Be suitable For human interaction. I will close My office door. I will scowl At intruders. I will double My coffee intake. I will not return Calls... Continue Reading →

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