I’m OK

I want you to know, that I’m ok. I’ve wrestled with similar demons before, But there’s angelic nature wrapped around this core. I found light in existing by your side; Conquered perceptions and verified a purified image of masculinity. I am better for it; I’ve succumbed to trajectories; I will pray for more. We laid... Continue Reading →

What Brought You Here

A lifetime of proposing, An insight, or two. A conundrum of confounding confrontations— Saliva, sativa and sanctuary, To name a few. I put a few specimens into my files, Exposed my abilities, To explain a lack of explanation. I found that I shouldn’t breach my contract, With me, myself, and... You. What brought you here?... Continue Reading →

And A Month Into It

He left patches, And i have... Four pieces i need to connect To lace up my disconnect With two pieces, Velcro, nearly new— A name, an insignia, our two. We thought it’d been laced up, A decade ago, But it fused black marks, Spots filled in that heart, So dark— Forever dark, but warranting Spacious... Continue Reading →

Pessimism and Pleasure

Open, but so tired of changing So tired—Of losing control Igniting different places Ignited by and bye, again This Overzealous mind. Days of wine and Roses Quenched breathes on necks Kisses on eyes, Fingers in mouths For giggles and smiles. We started counting: Adding, subtracting and dividing our time. My serotonin was multiplied. And all... Continue Reading →

Off My Meds: Part 1; Recognition

I haven’t had a an all-out panxiety attack since I’ve been off my meds. The thought actually pings me with tiny attacks, but I push out a few proud breaths and The world doesn’t cave in, as it used to. Fall is moving in Ugh, Kansas I’m bored with you.

Absence Makes

A variety of patterns and projections— Trajectories, And the like. Out of Gravity by Lora Zombie I made absence yours— Collected the stats where you were relaxed; Calculated my tears as transactions. But my degree is in English And dissecting your jeers, Was intersemiotic, not jest. Absence made mountains Intergalactic controversies. Burdening me Insatiably

To The Core

I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →

501 And Numb

Undeniable support Yet a reliable sort Of reaction. 250 set my heart aflame, 475 showed no strain.... But 500, Five-oh-one-- Set my lame aim To defame the Counterclaim, Of misnamed fame. I'm left to wonder. 502 and counting to three. Why I can't support me.

Spare Keys

It started raining on my way to your place. I took the long way, hoping to calm my incessant nerves. I wondered if the rain was trying to water something in me, I felt so cold, rigid and angry. My thoughts of you weren’t, aren’t fine, kind or blind. And I feel alive for the... Continue Reading →

Chest Pains

Pop a Xanax. Out of my Zoloft Pop a Xanax. Out of whiskey Pop a Xanax. Desiring toxicity Pop a xanny. Crying because... I popped a xanny.

Statistically Stagnant

Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →

Post Two-Hundred and Fifty

My nails are still painted black. I still have regular panxiety attacks. And your mom is whack. * Haha! Just joking. Love you all, each and everyone of you. For interacting, supporting and inspiring every post I wrote after the first "like" and "follow" on Pink Starburst Anxiety. * I needed you when I still... Continue Reading →

Heading Back To Decompress

Recently I've become rather close to one of my friends and last night, after hours of confused crying and doubling up on my Xanax at her place, I was invited on an all expenses paid, weekend getaway with she and her fiancé. Last night they asked; this morning I forgot. Last night I cried and... Continue Reading →

Blackout

There is nothing less appropriate for a 33 year old woman, then drinking to the point of a Blackout2 hours, unaccounted for. $20, unaccounted for. My car is a mess. Skunk costume, unworn. I drove. Fuck.

“Comfort” Food

Food has always been a touchy subject in my life. Early in life, I struggled with my weight and have never, truly felt comfortable in my own skin. For over a decade, I typically refused to eat in public. Even at 130 pounds, I was so obsessed with not eating around my friends that I... Continue Reading →

Boxed Cab: At the Bar

Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.

Taking Applications

Wanna date me? 😂😂😂 Trying to have a light-hearted evening. Couple drinks with my best girls. We are all so different So confrontational So much.... my family.

An Escape

Short-lived, serendipitous and sly, I suppose. It's Sunday, I'm sleep-deprived and solemn, to say.... the slightest? Scorned. Scored? Still insecure. So I escaped. I'm secluded, substantially. Sarcastically scared, scratched and screwed. Sense and sensitivity. Sensibilities are shadows. I am a shadow. Spring stands on my shoulders. I stand on sticks of sacrilegious stares. Searching for... Continue Reading →

My Last Oil Change

Was over a year ago. 2006 Silver Saturn Vue-- And by the way, That's my usual level Of gas, In my tank. My output was 60 hours My input valued at 12. But that's positive, Unusual. She started making Noises, Similar to... My mother-- That ball rattling, Up the cylinder, with every inhale, Hard suck.... Continue Reading →

Hospital Hallways at Midnight

Too tired to sleep Too anxious to dream My eyes can barely see. These hallways, so long Barren, and dull. I wish I could just Breathe. I warm my coffee With free, fresh-brewed, Cheap and bitter Packets of brown Grit--like dirt. Juxtaposed With a walk, My eyes creep Open. And I decide I'll just get... Continue Reading →

Pins, Needles and Night Sweats

When was the last time I pondered my physical comfort in regards to my mental state? NeverCan you ever be clear-headed when depression and anxiety transcend and gyrate? DoubtfulIt seems, these tingles--the pins and needles are a substrate, commingling with my nerves. MenacingWaking, just to ponder the discomforting sweats, days after my last drops were... Continue Reading →

The First Monday of the Rest of My Life

I hope. Because hope is all I have left. Nothing solidified. Constantly waning through Overdrawn accounts Undervalued character Overused emotions Underused meds Overwhelming doubt Underwhelming encounters Overzealous opinions Underdeveloped romance. Here's to hoping.

Merlot and Social Media

Last night I drank. Facebook traffic was high. My Snapchat score increased. I drunk text a man. *Insert involuntary giggle* This morning I woke up. I re-read my posts, Social and blog comments, I deleted a few, Out of embarrassment. No one needs to hear every, Single Solitary Selective Section Of my Soul.  

Well… WTF?

My mother has cancer. I don't get paid to work. My mother funds me. My habits lack respect * Why would you neglect that which nourishes you? * My mother has cancer I'm interviewing for jobs My mother has a tumor behind her eye My depression tries to care. * Why the fuck does she... Continue Reading →

How Would You Know

If I ceased to exist, how would you know? As you've noticed, I have these bouts of silence when I'm not proud of myself, but content in just getting by with a lackadaisical existence. To think, this time last year, you, my readers were my best friends--my lifeline--I've told you this. My Crocodile tears Fall... Continue Reading →

An Additional Character

I met him because of the internet. Our proximity had something to do with it. Social media lets me fall in love with tiny bits of his life-- his days, his memories. We don't really have much, yet. Though both our days include medicating-- that's new. In person his demeanor is subtle, yet so striking,... Continue Reading →

Year One. Here We Are.

Or I guess I should say, "here I am." I wrote Black Nail Polish on January 10th, 2018. It was my very first blog post and it felt so unbelievable to be honest and uncensored. Tomorrow, being a year later(today for some of you), I feel a bit of nostalgia... but not much, as the... Continue Reading →

Wednesday Wallowing

Getting back on my full medication regimen today. It's been weeks since my doses have been taken as prescribed. I guess I hope I imagine... Things will get better.

Moving Through the Trenches

It has been a while since I lost my insurance. It has been a while since I felt emotions. Tomorrow I will struggle to get the cash for my pill pusher appointment and the coinciding medications. Tomorrow I will get back on the regimen I had before the lapse in stability. Today I have poured... Continue Reading →

Monday Morning

I'm late, 28 minutes as I write this sentence. I've had 2 cups of coffee, My makeup is half done I haven't worn my glasses Since I was last blasted By the depression. Happy Monday...

Thoughts From 8 Years Ago, Today.

The following is a Note I posted to Facebook. It seems some outlooks never fully get away from us. (Note, I have not read through this yet. And have not made any changes to the original note.) Lackluster Beauty. August 9, 2010 at 2:13 PM Beauty is easily found in everthing a person comes in... Continue Reading →

I Ran Out of Xanax… And Insurance.

My insurance is no longer active and I called to refill my prescription on Thursday. My pill-pusher won't see me without an appointment--I cannot afford therapy without insurance. Isn't life grand? When in a drought, you might die of thirst. Without Xanax I'm fine, I guess. After 5 years of panxiety attacks, I've learned that... Continue Reading →

Always Running…. Late.

And the Panxiety attacks like to show up when I'm running late and only halfway through applying the first coat of nail polish. Your hands begin to shake as your vision blurs. You pray to hold steady long enough to get the full first coat completed. There is always a waiting period. There are always... Continue Reading →

Fact #4

The depressed and anxious body fights the mind and the heart and the arms, legs, feet, brain, lungs, lips, eyes, liver, shoulders, neck, nerves, ankles(at least mine; damn sciatic nerve), calves, thighs, fingers and toes. Because that is what a chemical imbalance does.

Lifeless And Living

I still haven't made my bed, none of the pillows have cases, the sheets are tossed about on the floor, at the foot of the bed., and the comforter acts more like a body pillow than a cover. Rain, hail and tornados are roaming the flat space that is Kansas this evening. One of my... Continue Reading →

White Nail Polish: Grotesque

My nail polish reserves are depleting. My finances have been melancholic for months. I am down to new bottles of pink and white; the black and red are more than half-empty: Congealed Combative De-Constructive Corrupted Congested Counterproductive White is in opposition of its meaning, to me. White is grotesque and everything but purity, innocence, sterility....... Continue Reading →

Clinical Depression

It never felt quite so real until I found out I was "clinically depressed" and it completely makes sense. The first bout lasted for the final eight months of 2017, but this one is different. For four weeks, I've been numb. I drink on the weekends and make people laugh at the bar. I forget... Continue Reading →

Black Nail Polish: Part 4; Permanently Painted

🖤🖤🖤🖤 An Ode to a Black Rose. • Permanence Is beautiful And horrifying And Stagnant • Anarchist At best And worst; Always Aflame • Abnormal Modified Collaborating To Conspire • Permanence Is Self-Deprecating And Convivial; My Black Rose. 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I think 4 months of black Nail Polish was necessary and productive but lacking progression. The... Continue Reading →

I’m Broke, Broken and Breaking

Mother's Day Is broken-- Fast approaching Can't see my kids I broke The engagement: No step-children No mortgage No home Not a mom I'm childless • I've been working. Forty hours a week For free. For months now. I'm broke I broke My life Somehow I've broken My sobriety I'm breaking My own rules And... Continue Reading →

A little less BROKEN TODAY

🎼I have no insides. 🎼 No worries I'm not exploring my fate. I'm dissolved In cynicism and hate. 🎼Thank God for the music.🎼 I'm aggressive In my mind and open mouth. No bothers I'm numb to their failing shouts. 🎼No thoughts, no prayers can bring back what's no longer there.🎼 No thoughts Can regroup my... Continue Reading →

Depression Strikes Again

Today, I hate too much. It sucks. I can't eat a bite without Spitting it back out. I had 3 pieces of sushi On Saturday. A bite of a cookie Yesterday. 3 shots of whiskey Maybe it was 5... 2 shots of tequila 6 or 10 or 15 beers 6 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon Over... Continue Reading →

On This Day

So of course my readers will know what today is. Last year it was on a Monday. I've been blessed with this Sunday to focus, once again on me--my thoughts. I researched the date: 1992 Deadly riots erupt in Los Angeles 53 people died in the riots, which started after the acquittal of the 4... Continue Reading →

Pills Pills Pills

I've been awake for 3 hours and my head continues to pound. 75mg Zoloft Final sugar pill of my birth control 15mg Buspar 1 Xanax 30 minutes later 20 minutes ago, 4 Cherry Flavored chewable aspirin. 10 minutes ago, Two 200mg Ibuprofen. I forgot the bottle of ibuprofen had been moved, I wouldn't have even... Continue Reading →

I’m Exhausted, Beyond Belief

My brain. My heart. My body. In complete and utter exhaustion. I called my pill pusher to see if I could up my Zoloft by 25mg. He concurred. 75mg down the hatch. The attacks have commenced On a daily basis--without bias. My chest feels compressed And predominately over stressed. Stomach aches. Back aches. Heart aches--... Continue Reading →

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