How, good Sir, can i communicate my perception of myself, when I’m near you. How do I behave, according to plan When you skew The epitome of me. Myself, and my ability To decipher why you’re here With me.
A lifetime of proposing, An insight, or two. A conundrum of confounding confrontations— Saliva, sativa and sanctuary, To name a few. I put a few specimens into my files, Exposed my abilities, To explain a lack of explanation. I found that I shouldn’t breach my contract, With me, myself, and... You. What brought you here?... Continue Reading →
To is not too And it advertently Makes me blue. Sapiosexual Ultimately Currently Asexual in response To your too not meaning Two To me Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough
I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →
Undeniable support Yet a reliable sort Of reaction. 250 set my heart aflame, 475 showed no strain.... But 500, Five-oh-one-- Set my lame aim To defame the Counterclaim, Of misnamed fame. I'm left to wonder. 502 and counting to three. Why I can't support me.
Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →
The ebb and flow Ejaculates yesterday's soul. The bitter cold Calculates countless roles. So dark, drab, damned Unquestionably sorrowful. December's claim, Driving out ducklings in despair. On the water, Irreprehensible and fair. Deceiver Chased away A long time Coming
Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.
It's been storming in Kansas. Flooding, and the like. Tornadoes have been spiking- Lives lost, unsportsmanlike. * I sip boxed wine, from a plastic cup, Taken from my favorite spot. Thunder and lightening, feelings galore, A missed trip to the drugstore. Another Saturday at home, It's what I'm doing now. Drinking wine; wasting time. Asking... Continue Reading →
Sisters-- It's said their sparks Are supposedly, Not sporadically Sensational in sequestering Solidarity. * Your Starburst Seemingly lacks Sisterly spirit. She splinters, She solemnly sleeps In severe solitude. * Her sisters Sentencing her Severely, ceaselessly Shoulder to shoulder Side by side. Sister-like. * Speechless I subside Inside, outside Inside, outside Sleeplessness Suggests This sheep is... Continue Reading →
I can only assume this stems from an "ignorance is bliss" platform, but nonetheless I will always choose hard truths. I've been beaten and bruised, internally, for far too long and it diminishes my capacity to trust. Ignorance is not bliss; Thoreau wanted the masses educated, but even in that we find a double edged... Continue Reading →
"... I think today is the day." These are the words my mother said this morning, after she woke me up to help her find her pain pills. Last night my oldest sister decided to purchase her a new sorter for the meds she now has to take, everyday--so upon waking up, her confusion was... Continue Reading →
When was the last time I pondered my physical comfort in regards to my mental state? NeverCan you ever be clear-headed when depression and anxiety transcend and gyrate? DoubtfulIt seems, these tingles--the pins and needles are a substrate, commingling with my nerves. MenacingWaking, just to ponder the discomforting sweats, days after my last drops were... Continue Reading →
I hope. Because hope is all I have left. Nothing solidified. Constantly waning through Overdrawn accounts Undervalued character Overused emotions Underused meds Overwhelming doubt Underwhelming encounters Overzealous opinions Underdeveloped romance. Here's to hoping.
Followed by 36 hours in bed. Or 40 something hours... I just woke up and don't feel like doing the math. I'm exhausted I need a shower and a pack of smokes. *** Insert Shower *** Roll another smoke from my pouch of Bugler. *** I'm tired of making poor choices but they always seem... Continue Reading →
With your stolen pants. With your sideways glance With your resting bitch face Such a silly fucking girl-- With your thick eye liner With your unhealed shiner With your need for personal space Such a silly fucking girl-- With your sad blue eyes With your evening cries With your busted, breaking, broken heart. Such as... Continue Reading →
If I ceased to exist, how would you know? As you've noticed, I have these bouts of silence when I'm not proud of myself, but content in just getting by with a lackadaisical existence. To think, this time last year, you, my readers were my best friends--my lifeline--I've told you this. My Crocodile tears Fall... Continue Reading →
But I'm not sure who I am anymore. Am I really this unfeeling? Or is it just an act? Self preservation? Evolution? Regurgitation? Indignation? Subjugation? In summation--I..., I guess I care Not. Not to ponder. Not to react--add, Or subtract. If it's blatantly Stabbing me, I am too numb Or tired Or intoxicated To feel... Continue Reading →
Or I guess I should say, "here I am." I wrote Black Nail Polish on January 10th, 2018. It was my very first blog post and it felt so unbelievable to be honest and uncensored. Tomorrow, being a year later(today for some of you), I feel a bit of nostalgia... but not much, as the... Continue Reading →
They hate my moments of happiness. Disregarding this Depression. * I can't blame their pressurizing hate Literally can't. Ignorance. * Judgement I'll save it for them. I'll be content, better, in the end.
Haha! But oddly, no more Dollars short In juxtaposition With the rest. Hours late. Minutes crumbling Under the weight Of missing serotonin. Bleh. Blatant. Indignation. Past life With Present life. Hypocritical At best.
And it has been over 2 months since my last rambles, but I think I'm ready to talk again. Time is just a number we juxtapose with others. My pill pusher upped my Zoloft to 100mg; Buspar down to 15mg; my Xanax intake is down 30% since I last wrote. That familiar old numb feeling.... Continue Reading →
Getting back on my full medication regimen today. It's been weeks since my doses have been taken as prescribed. I guess I hope I imagine... Things will get better.
Arrived at the hospital, 1a.m. My ex fiancé's twin brother. He fell. Fractured his skull in 2 places. Bleeding on the brain. Spinal fluid leaking from his ear. • I'm here. His twin. Is Nowhere In sight. • Some things never change.
It has been a while since I lost my insurance. It has been a while since I felt emotions. Tomorrow I will struggle to get the cash for my pill pusher appointment and the coinciding medications. Tomorrow I will get back on the regimen I had before the lapse in stability. Today I have poured... Continue Reading →
I'm late, 28 minutes as I write this sentence. I've had 2 cups of coffee, My makeup is half done I haven't worn my glasses Since I was last blasted By the depression. Happy Monday...
The following is a Note I posted to Facebook. It seems some outlooks never fully get away from us. (Note, I have not read through this yet. And have not made any changes to the original note.) Lackluster Beauty. August 9, 2010 at 2:13 PM Beauty is easily found in everthing a person comes in... Continue Reading →
My insurance is no longer active and I called to refill my prescription on Thursday. My pill-pusher won't see me without an appointment--I cannot afford therapy without insurance. Isn't life grand? When in a drought, you might die of thirst. Without Xanax I'm fine, I guess. After 5 years of panxiety attacks, I've learned that... Continue Reading →
The sheer thought of a universe-- Crashes down on my shoulders Like a large body on an old mattress. It's flows, forgetting to ebb And steals away my breath Continuous waves, crippling my neck. Because in that universe is a diversity-- Burrowing into our perceptions of why We are here, it scares me: My fractured... Continue Reading →
At the very least, he was a month late. Over a month late after 2 weeks of profound avoidance and unanswered questions, texts... He would walk away when I would try to speak to him at our regular bar--which we both continue to use. So, yes, I had to give up on the extremely short... Continue Reading →
Don't worry, She's safe: That girl inside of me. I hurry, But she'll Be there to slow me. She needed A break From my muffled surroundings. I needed A break From her feeling shenanigans. She's tough And so am I I feel it in our inconsistencies I feel That I'll feel In time, with full... Continue Reading →
And the Panxiety attacks like to show up when I'm running late and only halfway through applying the first coat of nail polish. Your hands begin to shake as your vision blurs. You pray to hold steady long enough to get the full first coat completed. There is always a waiting period. There are always... Continue Reading →
I'm still not collecting Or connecting Emotions or attachments This week. *• I told my best friend "I would die so you Could live," last week. She has a son. *• I only have a few Degrees and some Ramblings With my name in script. *• I've killed 5 months of progress In less than... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious body fights the mind and the heart and the arms, legs, feet, brain, lungs, lips, eyes, liver, shoulders, neck, nerves, ankles(at least mine; damn sciatic nerve), calves, thighs, fingers and toes. Because that is what a chemical imbalance does.
I still haven't made my bed, none of the pillows have cases, the sheets are tossed about on the floor, at the foot of the bed., and the comforter acts more like a body pillow than a cover. Rain, hail and tornados are roaming the flat space that is Kansas this evening. One of my... Continue Reading →
My nail polish reserves are depleting. My finances have been melancholic for months. I am down to new bottles of pink and white; the black and red are more than half-empty: Congealed Combative De-Constructive Corrupted Congested Counterproductive White is in opposition of its meaning, to me. White is grotesque and everything but purity, innocence, sterility....... Continue Reading →
He would have been 61 He has been gone for 14 years 4 months And 11 days. I was 17 The last time I wished him Happy Birthday In person. Today I'll pick up A can of his chew. I'll take a dip of Skoal Wintergreen Long cut I'll let the shards Cut Into my... Continue Reading →
I woke up at 8am and leisurely made my first cup of coffee. I took my coffee out to the garage, let the dogs out and lit my second cigarette of the day. I'd woke up at 5, a few hours earlier and opened a fresh pack before heading back to my unmade bed (my... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind condemns the chemical imbalance as the body performs its continuous combative criticisms.
I'm hard I'm callous I'm jaded And I could care less. I think. I comprehend I nightmare But nothing brings me stress. I'm here I'm aware I'm not scared But I'm full of brokenness And I could really f**king care less.
I've had a few bad days, three weeks to be exact. I use the NBA Playoffs as an excuse--I dash down to the bar, ingest whiskey neat, by the double. I've found myself running into troubles but it has no effect on me. What affects me is the imbalance of serotonin, or Zoloft, or this... Continue Reading →
I'm not so sure how "strong" I have been the last fourteen days, but my nails have not been black. All fingers and toes in Rhapsody Red. I don't hate it anymore--it's growing on me. Red is thought to symbolize a variety of things: A gnat just landed on my screen, I smashed it, involuntarily... Continue Reading →
🖤🖤🖤🖤 An Ode to a Black Rose. • Permanence Is beautiful And horrifying And Stagnant • Anarchist At best And worst; Always Aflame • Abnormal Modified Collaborating To Conspire • Permanence Is Self-Deprecating And Convivial; My Black Rose. 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I think 4 months of black Nail Polish was necessary and productive but lacking progression. The... Continue Reading →
Mother's Day Is broken-- Fast approaching Can't see my kids I broke The engagement: No step-children No mortgage No home Not a mom I'm childless • I've been working. Forty hours a week For free. For months now. I'm broke I broke My life Somehow I've broken My sobriety I'm breaking My own rules And... Continue Reading →
He left a voicemail. From 1,204.5 miles away. It was only seven seconds long: "I love you too. Night." Drunk Dialed. Doesn't count.
When March Madness began, I decided I wanted to get back out in the social world--which ultimately meant visiting bars once again. I cannot say it is the best way to get back out into the world, but I have also visited art museums, frequently gone to dinner with my mom and friends, as well... Continue Reading →
The polish on my fingers started chipping on the tips again, yesterday. I meant to spend some time removing the polish, with actual nail polish remover but the evening got away from me. This morning in the shower, the raised edges of polish disrupted the ease of my finger through my hair as I washed... Continue Reading →
It's a well known fact to me. I am not right for anyone. There are too many faults in my stars. There are too many discrepancies. There is no "to the moon and back" When deficiencies are all encompassing. * I feel terrible for anyone who thinks They have fallen in love with me. Because... Continue Reading →
It's such a weird itch-- I continue to scratch. And like after like Follow after follow I smile and retract My previous conditions. Selfies ensue. Four varying Personalities: Facebook: Frenemies. Instagram: Desperately. Twitter: Politically. WordPress...? Understandably. Now I have social media anxiety.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY0h906bu9w&list=PLOIxgRVG9IRa6bXoALuZFj_MAacriUrd6 For the past two days, I have engrossed myself in the songs of these beautiful ladies. Loftän is an upcoming German/American band who has stolen my heart and my brainwaves. When I connect with music, it somehow becomes ingrained in my soul. Undercover girl opens with a line which automatically hit my feelers: She took... Continue Reading →
I'm not sure what happened. So now I've found depression. Filtered by consumption. Without decompression. * Now my head pounds with ferocity. My heart confounded by monotony. My pride has no continuity. And damn you! unbeatable vanity. * But at least it's not numb. Because now in my glum-- State, I consciously succumb To reality's... Continue Reading →
I'm listening to him snore. Tonight, It's 12am and he fell asleep With his earbuds in The mouthpiece likely Sits near his neck. The vibration of his breathing is Intoxicating Supplementary. Because there is something lacking As I lean on his breath. But how can it be lacking If it's never been there?
http://www.youtube.com/watch SNL Skit Oh my goodness! March Madness and SNL skits on anxiety to go with it?!?! Had to share. Love feeling a bit more commercialized as a "normal". So, I feel like this is an outrageous skit... but I LOVE it! And it may be solely to the fact I've only dealt with my... Continue Reading →
I was never sure what would come from starting a blog. I reached out to an audience at one of the lowest points in my life and never expected, that two months into it, 101 of you would care to read or like a single word I had to say, much less follow me! ❤️... Continue Reading →
The heat wanes But not due to Incompatibility. I've been burned Too many times-- Permanently marred. I can't sink Into oblivion Anymore. Unless it's compatible With my habits-- My needs. My desires are few But imperative-- And mine. The heart wants What the heart Needs.
Fifteen minutes prior to leaving for my Talk Therapy appointment, yesterday, I felt an attack coming on--so i took half of a Xanax. On my drive to her office, my heart beat increased and I took the other half. Typically, I would have taken another half around 9pm, to curb the tensions my mind had... Continue Reading →
Off the bat, I'll say: I'm VERY comfortable with my therapist. I didn't cry with my pill pusher, yesterday. That's a first, I hate talking about my anxiety, just to have more pills shoved down my throat. But that's my current life status. We started on mindfulness today. After the first attempt, I gave 3... Continue Reading →
Every time. I pull up to my Therapist's office, there seems to be a young girl, waiting to shoot a smile in my direction. I think of her future and mine. I think of the reasons behind our smiles. I think of my age, 32--her's, likely, merely 12. She smiles; I smile back. But I... Continue Reading →
After more Than a year. I felt lips-- Again. * Today, It doesn't Feel Right-- Again. * My team Was defeated And I lost-- Again. * I said: I Vow To Live, Again. * It is Not Living If it is with Those Lips.
Today I contacted my Alma Mater in regards to getting a second Master's Degree in Public Administration. Apparently: I have a profound desire to make the world(my community) a better place; I love intellectual stimulation; I NEED to get out of KS; I refuse to teach HS English with my first Graduate Degree; I refuse... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind gets weary. I am not only my anxiety. I am not only my depression. I am not only my early-onset OCD. I am not only my ED--if it's there. I was once "dirka squirrel". Please don't take offense, I used to be a belligerent stoner without rules or regulations. I... Continue Reading →
Depression who? I mean, look at that landscape! Below the skyline, you can see the lights of Colorado Springs, right before sunset. It was a frigid 19 degrees with the wind in my face, thousands of feet above sea level. But it wasn't only the wind which took my breath away. Transcendence. I vow to... Continue Reading →
I did not cry in her office today. I smiled and laughed and cursed. Trust and tiny pieces of happiness.
I breathed in And out The Denver air With rigorous voracity. * It put my mind At ease with Past Present Future. * Life became whole Again In this reckless Brain, of mine. * Tomorrow I Will Spring With temperament And a new Found love. * For breathing.
Was worse than my first. No longer just an inability to move-- It brought a stranger to the mix. A dream-mere state of angst. A hooded man in my room. I reached for his help Nonetheless. Sleep Paralysis.
I don't know why, But I drank last night. On a Tuesday. I filled a beer glass With red wine. Three time. * Three times I chased An amber shot Of Whiskey With wine. * I can't wrap My head around The act Or the reason. But it happened. And I hate the reason-- Why?
This isn't working. Last night I gnawed the gold polish from my nails. There were surely ten layers of a fake mentality, working against me. I thought gold could change things. But even potential wanes, like the ebb and flow of surrounding waters. I thought red might still suit me like it did back then--but... Continue Reading →
Per suggestions of a close friend, I recently fell into a rabbit hole of stand up comedy acts, on Netflix. I initially wanted to make this a post in my "Divorced but Never Married" series--but in speaking with this friend, I realized I am utterly over drudging on the past transgressions which my ex-fiance inflicted... Continue Reading →
So there is vino In my veins. There is moonlight In my shame-- Which bewilders My counterclaim. * So I may be weak But utterly cognizant Of my aim. To regain My flaming Confidence. * And I take steps. I break frets. I steal nets Which catch me In my own depths. * Of self-righteousness--... Continue Reading →
My vulnerabilities Aren't stronger Than my character-- Anymore. * So last night I did. Last night I danced--I sang. I'm 32, but danced Like I was 21. * I locked eyes With masculine strangers-- They'd inch closer, Hand on hip--but no. Not yet. * I vow to indulge But not be consumed. Because it was... Continue Reading →
What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM... Continue Reading →