I want you to know, that I’m ok. I’ve wrestled with similar demons before, But there’s angelic nature wrapped around this core. I found light in existing by your side; Conquered perceptions and verified a purified image of masculinity. I am better for it; I’ve succumbed to trajectories; I will pray for more. We laid... Continue Reading →
You were inclusive that night, Including everything but me, It seemed. Anything but sweet, Morning love interacted with yesterday’s moonshine, Everything aside from “neat“ But that’s sweet, Never can be beat Everyone is rooting against us— It seems you are too. Still, I love you, it seems. Hurting is not your fault, Just my perception... Continue Reading →
How, good Sir, can i communicate my perception of myself, when I’m near you. How do I behave, according to plan When you skew The epitome of me. Myself, and my ability To decipher why you’re here With me.
“I went to the woods to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” We arrived after dark, fell into the pillow top mattress, cracked a beer and... Continue Reading →
A lifetime of proposing, An insight, or two. A conundrum of confounding confrontations— Saliva, sativa and sanctuary, To name a few. I put a few specimens into my files, Exposed my abilities, To explain a lack of explanation. I found that I shouldn’t breach my contract, With me, myself, and... You. What brought you here?... Continue Reading →
I woke up the morning of the 2020 presidential election, assuming I would not be voting at the top of the ticket; I pulled up to the polling place, in my small, rural town and showed the face under the mask, alongside my Kansas State ID, and used the “I Voted” stylus to give them... Continue Reading →
Three days in a row Poor choices, across the board Endearing inductions, Reminiscent of times before— But less active in passing. Not passive, and the activity is astounding. Oddly satisfying, but not Increasingly confounding, More positive than not But the pulses through my body Are legitimate— That old anxiety, Throwing quakes and shakes In the... Continue Reading →
He left patches, And i have... Four pieces i need to connect To lace up my disconnect With two pieces, Velcro, nearly new— A name, an insignia, our two. We thought it’d been laced up, A decade ago, But it fused black marks, Spots filled in that heart, So dark— Forever dark, but warranting Spacious... Continue Reading →
For twelve hours, over a few nights. It happened to happen By happenstance An acquaintance An encounter Over and over again Those electric moments All devilish smiles For miles Likely the closest possibility To experience Prince Charming In this Sea of Fall and fires, I foresee; And through the winter months I assume we’ll continue... Continue Reading →
A variety of patterns and projections— Trajectories, And the like. Out of Gravity by Lora Zombie I made absence yours— Collected the stats where you were relaxed; Calculated my tears as transactions. But my degree is in English And dissecting your jeers, Was intersemiotic, not jest. Absence made mountains Intergalactic controversies. Burdening me Insatiably
To is not too And it advertently Makes me blue. Sapiosexual Ultimately Currently Asexual in response To your too not meaning Two To me Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough
I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →
When I read that book, I know you'll think of me. In juxtaposition... L.I.T.T.E.R.A.L.Y. with the time/ space continuum. The lines will help me realize, that in my deepest despair, the ocean took over mother earth and killed all that was fare. The wine still floweth, unfortunately-- I too long juxtaposed a frivolous reality. That... Continue Reading →
From the start, Pink Starburst Anxiety was a vehicle for my unconquered demons: a space where my mental health was taken seriously, because no one in my life truly seemed to understand how debilitating my anxiety and depression had become. It seemed to transition over the past year to a blog I’m not quite happy... Continue Reading →
I surmised a familiar path, With a new trajectory in mind. I rearranged my brain and heart, And entered four numbers, two times. It was as if I were returning home, It was as if we were streamlined. I pulled up a tiny stool and Noted long, unfamiliar curls-- Quarantined, confined and tied To disfigured... Continue Reading →
I believe I've been jaded By dating. Everything is uncomfortable To the touch. Especially the one who spit In my face. He hangs on too long, after my Half-assed hug. I'm tired of feeling diminished Incomplete Fuck dating....
Mine have never been straight-- Jagged angles sketched By numbered hands. Singularly shattering All laws of degrees. Yet, soft curves continually Consistently, Captivate and crush me. I trace these lines raw Leaving myself susceptible To disease. Leaving myself, Lethargically I'll at fucking ease.
Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →
Tribulations truncated Twisted into tears Or tenaciously troubled By tactless Tiresome Tawdry Tedious Temperamental... Trials, Tasking my tetchy trips... B-b-b-Back..... Towards you: Tinder Trial #2.
Decadence Remembrance * All too cloy to employ. * Arrogance Eloquence Fecklessness * A joy? Toy? To destroy? + Fretfulness Helplessness Restlessness * Your golden whipping boy.
So why do these gasps Bring tears and convulsions? Hyperventilations? You've cut the air from My chest, my continued State of unrest--Utter Dissemination
There's a gloomy little fog That lies over, you and me. It rests upon the shores of My safe haven, Cuts along the lines of where I expected us to meet On frequent expeditions * You and Me. * I can only fathom, moments... Of us have passed. But I fake And relate, retaliate-- My... Continue Reading →
It's my first Thanksgiving Without Mom. I made her casserole Without qualm 30 minutes foiled Without time. 45 uncovered Without rhyme. Bottom, left hand corner Without fail-- I tasted, moms wisdom Without curtail. I'll always love to cook Without her But eating, I don't like Without him.
Itching, Eternally Feeling, Physical Bites, Bumps-- Weeks old but still blunt. * Just like her presence In your bed I scratch and it stings Lacerations bleed.
Seasonal or situational? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without my Mother's breath. Without my Father, in depth. With serotonin's constant death. * Self-deprecating or debating? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without his kiss on my forehead. Without any bliss or fortune. Depression is so... fucking... morbid. * Medicating or sedating? Just fucking juxtapose the two,... Continue Reading →
And after my shower. My skin still screams, Tiny bugs or Anxiety's buzz? I continue to cower, Under these layers Of haze and emo bangs. Self-sacrificing, yet dour. I scrub and scrape, My spine quakes alongside sciatic shakes. Has my heart been devoured? Annexed to nothingness? Callous like Xanax?
In my wine-drunk rants. I just like to forget what, I can't bear to remember. * I read the messages late. In a more sober state. Tears burn like hot embers. * I never wish you hurt or harmed Though it seems your general state. Depressed again; My natural December fate.
Again Absorbing Absolutely Anything. * Aggravating Analogies * Abandoning Acquaintances. * Accepting Attractive, Astute Applications * Anchored. Accessible. Ambient. Affectionate. * Apathy An ailment
I skim my snaps and see unfamiliar smiles. Of us, simply serenaded in sweetness. It's astounding: how sadistic, how sorrowful It all seems, sounds, settles: Insta-sad. Substance doesn't seep through, nor sighs. Seeds need substantial sustenance to survive. Yet, this starburst shakes. Depression stays. Anxiety throws her in a sequential haze.
He couldn't make me cry this time. He only made the nerves cringe And shake--forced to take... A bar. * He couldn't make me see his side. He claims it wasn't a lying binge. But that trust is covered in rust, Lodestar.
Post-Traumatic Stress... "Just come cuddle me." Predestined, Pressed? "Please, just love me." Passionate- Less. "I think I need... you? Pacifist, Yes. "I knew you were a mess." Painkilling Mess. "Please, before the moment's gone." Pitiful Pitiless
My days *****Accumulating Over *****Time, amount to dark. My haze *****Backdating thousands, Drove her *****Back to Depression. Sideways *****Glances, from diamonds. Joker; *****Smoker; Controller. My gaze: *****Amounts to darkness. Over Time, this heart went dark.
I was taken aback. The coin randomly popped into my world... Again. So, inevitably, I felt it automatically pop into his. That was how quickly things happened in my oblivious heart. My brain, on the other hand is akin to a toddler with a sluggish cognitive tempo. Of course, he wasn't nearly as impressed by... Continue Reading →
Recently I've become rather close to one of my friends and last night, after hours of confused crying and doubling up on my Xanax at her place, I was invited on an all expenses paid, weekend getaway with she and her fiancé. Last night they asked; this morning I forgot. Last night I cried and... Continue Reading →
Food has always been a touchy subject in my life. Early in life, I struggled with my weight and have never, truly felt comfortable in my own skin. For over a decade, I typically refused to eat in public. Even at 130 pounds, I was so obsessed with not eating around my friends that I... Continue Reading →
Static on the line, I hear it all the time But I'm quiet when you make me fade Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black But I'm brighter when you make me fade You make me fade, you make me fade You make me brighter when you make me fade KFlay has consistently... Continue Reading →
I'm in another funk-- Self-induced and Mind boggling It's what I do. Destroy myself My happy Perpetually Underestimating Overthinking.... Calling myself A Cunt.
And I lost "it"-- The label. Forever? I Overthink. After Overthinking, About... Overthinking. Now Just Waiting....
He bought me sushi, And I listened to him snore. He lights My soul On fire. Those fucking Diamond eyes.
In those Diamond eyes. Finally. Like Pulling teeth-- Pins And needles-- Vibe. Squashed?Or Squishy?Definitely Sublime. Again-- My Redefined... Clarity.
Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.
I guess I quit smoking. With my handy dandy Juul. I've lost 2, Bought 2, Owned 3. I quit for a date-- Of the Tinder kind, Alongside, my mother's Recent battle with The C word. I've been surprised, Such an easy switch... Because, I wanted it. It's nice, not needing to buy 2 packs every... Continue Reading →
🎼Go ahead and watch my heart burn With the fire that you started in me But I'll never let you back to put it out🎼 "He wasn't going to come back," I thought to myself. He was going to be the love I lost for no reason--and he hurt ME! He destroyed the Love I... Continue Reading →
Wanna date me? 😂😂😂 Trying to have a light-hearted evening. Couple drinks with my best girls. We are all so different So confrontational So much.... my family.
Tinder.... Ugh. Met one-- Thought of another Messaged a 3rd Sent a selfie to the 4th. None of them, I'm sure. Want me for the long haul.
My ex-fiancé and I have been seeing a bit more of each other lately. He brought two kids to mom's viewing and funeral last month, most of his family attended as well. On Saturday I asked him about the ac needing charged in my car and within an hour, I was in his parents driveway,... Continue Reading →
I don't know what made me think I wanted to start dating again. In December, I downloaded a few dating apps, inevitably went through two terrible dates and an epistolary novel's worth's of messages, until I met a man who I was thoroughly intrigued by. We started messaging the day after my 33rd birthday. Met... Continue Reading →
Through Those eyes A string Pulls Jerks Tempts And fascinates My dreams. Tugging At My Demons, To Leave. But the Needle Has traveled Through My nervous System Like "Ice and Sugar dust." Woven So Deep Wrapped Around My heart Too neat. A Tapestry Of Thread, Ultimately Pricking Through Each Lobe Of My Jaded Brain, Slipping... Continue Reading →
I'm learning to love myself again, again. Again. But it's doubtful I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin. Confusion Is insurmountable, because I have been adored at times Ultimately, I'll slip back into my unprecedented confines. Intimately, Acknowledging every inadequate body and smile line.. It's asinine.
We both medicate to get through the day. But I don't feel his, fully. Might he diminish mine, early? We both shut down in our own way. But our times are off And it is so early on. How do we traverse these waves? The ebb and flow pulsates, picks up and vibrates my soul,... Continue Reading →
If I ceased to exist, how would you know? As you've noticed, I have these bouts of silence when I'm not proud of myself, but content in just getting by with a lackadaisical existence. To think, this time last year, you, my readers were my best friends--my lifeline--I've told you this. My Crocodile tears Fall... Continue Reading →
I met him because of the internet. Our proximity had something to do with it. Social media lets me fall in love with tiny bits of his life-- his days, his memories. We don't really have much, yet. Though both our days include medicating-- that's new. In person his demeanor is subtle, yet so striking,... Continue Reading →
Three glasses of cab, at the bar-Inadvertently, And that was just Monday.... just twenty-four hours ago, Those hours spent swallowing, now--Tuesday. Sleepless at best; without wine; enduring-Lacking. Suspense, still, soon.... Today will be Yesterday Tomorrow, the past. Everyday, making mistakes.
Or I guess I should say, "here I am." I wrote Black Nail Polish on January 10th, 2018. It was my very first blog post and it felt so unbelievable to be honest and uncensored. Tomorrow, being a year later(today for some of you), I feel a bit of nostalgia... but not much, as the... Continue Reading →
And it has been over 2 months since my last rambles, but I think I'm ready to talk again. Time is just a number we juxtapose with others. My pill pusher upped my Zoloft to 100mg; Buspar down to 15mg; my Xanax intake is down 30% since I last wrote. That familiar old numb feeling.... Continue Reading →
Arrived at the hospital, 1a.m. My ex fiancé's twin brother. He fell. Fractured his skull in 2 places. Bleeding on the brain. Spinal fluid leaking from his ear. • I'm here. His twin. Is Nowhere In sight. • Some things never change.
And it's really weird. All I get is irritated Or Satirically exhilarated. Leaving my date To surmise my mind Must be extremely aggravated At him or his existence. But it's all just numbing The monotony of this file Of depression I've succumbed to.
I figured it would happen eventually. A man my age showed up out of nowhere. He has a great smile and believe it or not, after 3 weeks, he has yet to say anything asinine or disrespectful. Crazy, right!? He still doesn't know my feelings are M.I.A., that should be an interesting conversation. We'll leave... Continue Reading →
At the very least, he was a month late. Over a month late after 2 weeks of profound avoidance and unanswered questions, texts... He would walk away when I would try to speak to him at our regular bar--which we both continue to use. So, yes, I had to give up on the extremely short... Continue Reading →