Was my last post. Still broken. And wallowing. And aching.
At the very least, he was a month late. Over a month late after 2 weeks of profound avoidance and unanswered questions, texts... He would walk away when I would try to speak to him at our regular bar--which we both continue to use. So, yes, I had to give up on the extremely short... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious body fights the mind and the heart and the arms, legs, feet, brain, lungs, lips, eyes, liver, shoulders, neck, nerves, ankles(at least mine; damn sciatic nerve), calves, thighs, fingers and toes. Because that is what a chemical imbalance does.
I've had a few bad days, three weeks to be exact. I use the NBA Playoffs as an excuse--I dash down to the bar, ingest whiskey neat, by the double. I've found myself running into troubles but it has no effect on me. What affects me is the imbalance of serotonin, or Zoloft, or this... Continue Reading →
I'm not so sure how "strong" I have been the last fourteen days, but my nails have not been black. All fingers and toes in Rhapsody Red. I don't hate it anymore--it's growing on me. Red is thought to symbolize a variety of things: A gnat just landed on my screen, I smashed it, involuntarily... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind gets weary. I am not only my anxiety. I am not only my depression. I am not only my early-onset OCD. I am not only my ED--if it's there. I was once "dirka squirrel". Please don't take offense, I used to be a belligerent stoner without rules or regulations. I... Continue Reading →
My vulnerabilities Aren't stronger Than my character-- Anymore. * So last night I did. Last night I danced--I sang. I'm 32, but danced Like I was 21. * I locked eyes With masculine strangers-- They'd inch closer, Hand on hip--but no. Not yet. * I vow to indulge But not be consumed. Because it was... Continue Reading →
I drank last night. I smoked last night. Yesterday I told him I was falling. I gotta stay high all the time To keep you off my mind I am falling But I can't And I won't Because today is about me. Trying to forget you babe I fall back down My sobs are inconsolable Because... Continue Reading →
There were strangers in my head last night. For the few hours of drifting into sleep-- There were strangers in my house last night. But they weren't actually there--there. Dozens filled the small room around my bed. I fought my way out of that stranger filled room And found my mother, out of place. She was... Continue Reading →
Mixed with Irrational dreams: Hallucinatory And as shackling, As sleep paralysis. Apparently, The anxiety The depression The self-induced Inferiority Required a new friend. So today, I will NOT Be suitable For human interaction. I will close My office door. I will scowl At intruders. I will double My coffee intake. I will not return Calls... Continue Reading →
I'm used to the burden Regardless of my Waning strengths, I will bandage Your paper cuts-- While a major artery Flows with fury From my body. Because you mean Everything or Something. But definitely Not nothing.
I started peeling away the black nail polish at 1:30 this morning, with the voracity of a prepubescent boy entertaining his first hard on. It was as involuntary as my sobbing over the past eight months. For the past 30 days, I piled layer upon layer of the thick, black goop on my nails; It was... Continue Reading →
I rummage for Empty space On country roads. And vociferate New melodies. And-- "I-I-I-I-I can't stop." Reveling on Involuntary sobs, Insurmountable distance, Unconquerable regrets. I've missed 100 percent of the shots I didn't take. So these ducts Well over With unease. And the music Plays on Repeat. "I-I-I-I-I can't stop"
It's followed me For fifteen years. Around every corner of depression and elation-- Agitation. A green, blueprint to So many bad Selections. Fabricating a dark Chasam In my cognitive Suggestions. My longest Relationship-- A soul-destroying Anthology Of numbing Concentration. So today-- I give you up. For clarity. For brighter Moments. For better Tomorrows.
For the final four months of my seven year relationship, I slept on the couch, a papasan mattress and ultimately a Queen mattress on the floor of my home office. My nights on the couch weren't frequent at first, I'd sleep there if I was having cramps or unable to get a panic attack to... Continue Reading →
I wasn't able to post this weekend. So you're welcome. I am sure everyone likes a break from the monotony of my fragmented prose and sporadic poetics. My weekend was full to the brim, but not in the optimistic sense. I was literally in constant motion--which entailed nearly six full hours of driving, five of... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind takes time to understand the frivolous nature of society--before it stages it's coup de grâce. Photo credit: What's Wrong With Today's Society Captured In 10+ Though-Provoking Illustrations By Al Margen
What can I do When nothing Seems cohesive? When Life Is "simply: A jumbled mess Of Anxiety Impropriety And sobriety. While society Delegates Propriety For notoriety, Which never Existed.
Wow... what a month. Bear with me as I get a much needed, month late, chronicle off my chest. It was New Years Eve, exactly one month ago today. I had not been feeling well, so I cancelled my plans to go out. This was an obvious sigh of relief for my newly single, anxious... Continue Reading →
I ate an apple today. Same as yesterday. It's called a low Carb diet. Today is day Thirty-one. But it's dinner time I'm hungry but... The anxiety Or is it The Depression? Will only Fish out bits Of veggies It can't be a coincidence: The involuntary Crying. The Bawling. The cowering Beneath my hood In... Continue Reading →
"Let me tell you, the only perfect rape victim is a dead rape victim and that's a fact and it's sad." Rose McGowan on The View, January 30, 2018 Photo Credit: Fear of Darkness by Bethyanne
Everything makes me cry And nothing at all. Where the fuck are the trash bags? I'm tired of deliberating Justifying Correlating Where the fuck are my tissues? I'm tired of juxtaposing The transparent With transcendence. Where the fuck is my stability? I'm exhausted My body aches My mind is branched My heart's screams are inaudible.... Continue Reading →
I called and said "I might have the flu" The virus is spreading In America. But my cycle And my wallet Made the choice. Maybe my pride? Fucking strangers And eye contact. Not today.
Put 1000 miles Between us And I'll spill It All. * But I won't reveal My life And socialize. * And I can't tell you Why I rely On strangers Just to Get by. * Utility or Drawback? Anxiety or Trivial Inferiority? * I can't Commit. Equally A Mess. Physically Present. Mentally Transcendent. * Advertising... Continue Reading →
I vow to make smarter choices this time around. That is when I finally take the leap... It cannot be Simply carnal. Even though It's all electric And raw. The passion! There will be No room For vanity I need intellectual Fornication. Mental Stimulation. Heart pounding Mind stinging Resuscitation Of Shakespeare's Hamlet and Austen's sensibilities.... Continue Reading →
I still feel At the space With the thumb Of my left finger. That finger automatically Gives way And curls Down. But I don't let him touch me anymore I said "I'm not something to butter up And taste when you get bored 'Cause I have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors. To... Continue Reading →
I'm trying to remember Why there were so many Nights I chose to drink Alone. So I picked up a bottle: 200mL of Crown Again. So far 3 shots in I'm crying Again. It's a full on 3 tissue mess Up in here 5 songs on repeat: Halsey, Bad at Love Tove Lo, Habits Halsey,... Continue Reading →
I read somewhere that in order to truly get to know a mate, especially prior to marriage, you should at least give a full turn of the seasons to get to know that person. I was automatically intrigued by the notion. Couldn't this apply my relationship with me? In Refusing to Date, I stated I... Continue Reading →
It's been a month Since the unexplainable Crying has crept up On me. Today I cried: When I got angry. And then when I yelled. When I needed A Xanax. When Dr. Phil told his anxious guest Named Danielle That her anxiety was as normal As Kidney Disease. My father had that... Now he's dead.... Continue Reading →
Blood boiling Stomach cramping Heavy-handed Anxiety. Throw in Anger I'm Aggressive. Utterly trapped With cognitive slips I progress backwards. Teeth clinched. Just breath. I am stronger Than this.
It's funny... well no, its comical--to the outsider, I'm sure. I just spent 24 hours in debate with myself and my new routine. My pill-pushing therapist prescribed 10mg of Buspiron HCL, twice a day. It felt like a long term kick in the head; I had progressed, over the past month. If I gave in, I knew... Continue Reading →
Well, today's first real therapy appointment was no different than the first time I presented my anxiety disorder to a GP. I left the office, unimpressed and angry. Faint streaks of mascara were camouflaged by the appearance of dark circles, beneath my eye. I was sure this time would be different: A real therapist would... Continue Reading →
There are those days--the ones where your strengths and weaknesses decide they will work together in solidarity. Yesterday was one of those days; full of plans that I planned all on my own, completely alone. I'd forgotten what a full day felt like and so did my anxiety. 12:00 p.m., I made it to the... Continue Reading →
I had something stolen from me, at the age of nineteen. A friend, of a friend, found himself meritorious. "I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.... Grab ’em by the pussy. You can... Continue Reading →
Today, my therapist's office called to remind me of my first ever therapy appointment, scheduled for Monday morning. Three days. I have previously cried to three different General Practitioners, as I recollected the trials with my anxiety disorder. Monday's appointment is different--a real therapist is involved. And, as if the original script wasn't bad enough,... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind does not let the heart go off on wild tangents of irrational happiness. At least, not for very long.
Literally On a physical level. I'm half a Xanax in; A full pain-pill down: my hip is out of place and my sciatic is pinched. Figuratively On a social level. I'm dealing with a minuscule circle: circling the minds of writers; interacting with little intellectual stimulation, in a small Kansas town. Metaphorically On a mental... Continue Reading →
What a week! Since we first met(yes, you). Eight days ago. This morning I am anxious and writing from the desk of my office, at work: a herculean feat, the anxiety-less will not understand; sandbags of weight, pulling at my dominant hand... still I type in an attempt to collect my thoughts. I take half... Continue Reading →
In a previous post, titled "Refusing to Date", I stated that "you cannot love someone unless you know and love yourself." When I left my ex of seven years, I was left with misappropriated sorrow in my heart. It has taken eight months for me to fully absorb this conundrum. Today I know, that I... Continue Reading →
There are times, as an adult, where you step back and wonder how you let far-fetched butterflies bombard your system. Raw. Sensual. Unrequited Excitement. I nearly made it a full day without my Xanax.
After seven years, my surname never changed. Two years into the relationship, I realized more was expected of me than anyone else in the household(see above list and take into account my facetious nature). Not only did I hold down a full time job as the VP of Operations for a small, international business the... Continue Reading →
My anxiety disorder manifests itself in various ways, during unexplainable times with debilitating frequency. It hasn't been a lifelong relationship, so it's easy for me to blame myself: past drug and alcohol abuse; staying in a relationship which, even after a loogie was hocked in my face, I continued to play the happy fiancé and... Continue Reading →
I picked up a plastic, 200mL bottle of Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey on my way home from work this evening. Construction cones, signs and ravaged asphalt reflected in the large windows which framed the front of the liquor store. As I pulled open the heavy glass door, my stride veered to the left and straight... Continue Reading →
It has been eight months since I left my fiance. We dated for three years and were engaged for four. I had been packing for weeks, or was it months? Regardless, I left my partner, three step-kids and three dogs in the house we purchased together, two years earlier. After three months, I found a... Continue Reading →