A Depressed Perspective

When you're depressed, You're missing out. Life doesn't stop. Death doesn't stop. Cancer doesn't stop. Yet, your demeanor Dwindles to a speck Of what used to be-- Your smile. Your guile. Your wit. Your grip-- Of what matters Outside of yourself-- Diminishes. There is no spark, Unless accompanied By booze, Or pills, Or pot. Your... Continue Reading →

Time

We are given so much, a crutch we take advantage of. And rarely consider, one day our chance will be completely up. We fight when we should embrace, face to facing our fates. And place blame where kisses could erase frivolous debates.

Another Blue Recliner

Like the one My dad stuffed With his gun, That time I thought... Like the one I found his stash Of stems and seeds, The last sack he bought. Like the one That sits in my office, Fifteen years later, Visitors sit in that chair. * Like the one My sister bought She brought it... Continue Reading →

That Numb Feeling

It's back I have the flame To prove it. It burns The skin, Unthinkably Torching The unfeeling The undead. I picked a flower Simultaneously Throwing it Back down To the ground. Unnecessary Spoils Of war.

Puffy Eyes and Thunder Storms in Kansas

I cried all night And into the morning. I woke up late And into reality. Puffy eyes mean Double the eyeliner. Puffy eyes mean Today's tears come easy. Too easy at work Too easy in the mirror Too easy with side hugs Too easy like this storm. And it feels like hail.

Pins, Needles and Night Sweats

When was the last time I pondered my physical comfort in regards to my mental state? NeverCan you ever be clear-headed when depression and anxiety transcend and gyrate? DoubtfulIt seems, these tingles--the pins and needles are a substrate, commingling with my nerves. MenacingWaking, just to ponder the discomforting sweats, days after my last drops were... Continue Reading →

The First Monday of the Rest of My Life

I hope. Because hope is all I have left. Nothing solidified. Constantly waning through Overdrawn accounts Undervalued character Overused emotions Underused meds Overwhelming doubt Underwhelming encounters Overzealous opinions Underdeveloped romance. Here's to hoping.

A Needle and Thread

Through Those eyes A string Pulls Jerks Tempts And fascinates My dreams. Tugging At My Demons, To Leave. But the Needle Has traveled Through My nervous System Like "Ice and Sugar dust." Woven So Deep Wrapped Around My heart Too neat. A Tapestry Of Thread, Ultimately Pricking Through Each Lobe Of My Jaded Brain, Slipping... Continue Reading →

36 Hours Without Sleep

Followed by 36 hours in bed. Or 40 something hours... I just woke up and don't feel like doing the math. I'm exhausted I need a shower and a pack of smokes. *** Insert Shower *** Roll another smoke from my pouch of Bugler. *** I'm tired of making poor choices but they always seem... Continue Reading →

C is for Cancer

Cancer found it's first chance to cinch it's claws deep in my chest. No courtesy. Only consequence and cantankerous chemical combinations. Cigarettes and contrived cassonade cause cancer. Cindy consumes and collects these cancerous creations in her company--constantly. Cindy created my chance to comprehend constellations. Calling her Cindy is off-color. I am her child. She is... Continue Reading →

More Holes in Walls

A few nights back I did something I never thought I had in me... I stabbed the Sheetrock with a pair of scissors, out of general, full blown, tear-filled... RAGE. My response was first shock, at my ability to do something so unlike me... secondly, I chose a different tool, a 14 inch paint brush,... Continue Reading →

Merlot and Social Media

Last night I drank. Facebook traffic was high. My Snapchat score increased. I drunk text a man. *Insert involuntary giggle* This morning I woke up. I re-read my posts, Social and blog comments, I deleted a few, Out of embarrassment. No one needs to hear every, Single Solitary Selective Section Of my Soul.  

I Drink

Because... I'm alone I drink because I'm sad. Because no one cares To know me, Anymore. Once so brilliant. Vivacious and open. I'm, at most, Just some girl.

Well… WTF?

My mother has cancer. I don't get paid to work. My mother funds me. My habits lack respect * Why would you neglect that which nourishes you? * My mother has cancer I'm interviewing for jobs My mother has a tumor behind her eye My depression tries to care. * Why the fuck does she... Continue Reading →

Love Yourself

It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I found that I can't. And if purple is the color for lovers, Why do I despise it so? I barely know myself. My potential is dying. I'm only good at Crying Smoking Lying-- to myself, Enemy Number One.

Such a Silly Fucking Girl

With your stolen pants. With your sideways glance With your resting bitch face Such a silly fucking girl-- With your thick eye liner With your unhealed shiner With your need for personal space Such a silly fucking girl-- With your sad blue eyes With your evening cries With your busted, breaking, broken heart. Such as... Continue Reading →

Insecure In My Insecurities

I'm learning to love myself again, again. Again. But it's doubtful I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin. Confusion Is insurmountable, because I have been adored at times Ultimately, I'll slip back into my unprecedented confines. Intimately, Acknowledging every inadequate body and smile line.. It's asinine.      

Tired of Crying

I don't require men telling me How nice my blue dress looks It's still blue I'm still blue. I'm so fucking over it all. She hates me. He barely likes me. Fuck... I barely like me. So it goes.

Medicated and Dating

We both medicate to get through the day. But I don't feel his, fully. Might he diminish mine, early? We both shut down in our own way. But our times are off And it is so early on. How do we traverse these waves? The ebb and flow pulsates, picks up and vibrates my soul,... Continue Reading →

How Would You Know

If I ceased to exist, how would you know? As you've noticed, I have these bouts of silence when I'm not proud of myself, but content in just getting by with a lackadaisical existence. To think, this time last year, you, my readers were my best friends--my lifeline--I've told you this. My Crocodile tears Fall... Continue Reading →

A New Galaxy

I feel outside of the atmosphereWhen you are near.Struggling with my intensityI transit to you.And the stars shine in watercolorsOutside of your windows.Where is my oxygen mask? I can'tBreathe, through this attack--Attachment.

An Additional Character

I met him because of the internet. Our proximity had something to do with it. Social media lets me fall in love with tiny bits of his life-- his days, his memories. We don't really have much, yet. Though both our days include medicating-- that's new. In person his demeanor is subtle, yet so striking,... Continue Reading →

Monday is Yesterday

Three glasses of cab, at the bar-Inadvertently, And that was just Monday.... just twenty-four hours ago, Those hours spent swallowing, now--Tuesday. Sleepless at best; without wine; enduring-Lacking. Suspense, still, soon.... Today will be Yesterday Tomorrow, the past. Everyday, making mistakes.

I Want Me In My Life

But I'm not sure who I am anymore. Am I really this unfeeling? Or is it just an act? Self preservation? Evolution? Regurgitation? Indignation? Subjugation? In summation--I..., I guess I care Not. Not to ponder. Not to react--add, Or subtract. If it's blatantly Stabbing me, I am too numb Or tired Or intoxicated To feel... Continue Reading →

Year One. Here We Are.

Or I guess I should say, "here I am." I wrote Black Nail Polish on January 10th, 2018. It was my very first blog post and it felt so unbelievable to be honest and uncensored. Tomorrow, being a year later(today for some of you), I feel a bit of nostalgia... but not much, as the... Continue Reading →

Me, Myself and I.

I've always been "the nice girl". That's how people from primary and secondary school describe me, on those random occasions when my social anxiety barely allows me to understand their words. I'm definitely not the same girl; not that they'll ever find that out. In my online dating profile on Tinder, I describe myself as... Continue Reading →

Day 1

And it screams at me. "You're not winning." "You're not willing." "You're not fruitful." Yet I bleed I cry I indulge I'll die Like you. While you... Continue to judge me.

Indignation

They hate my moments of happiness. Disregarding this Depression. * I can't blame their pressurizing hate Literally can't. Ignorance. * Judgement I'll save it for them. I'll be content, better, in the end.

Another Day Late

Haha! But oddly, no more Dollars short In juxtaposition With the rest. Hours late. Minutes crumbling Under the weight Of missing serotonin. Bleh. Blatant. Indignation. Past life With Present life. Hypocritical At best.

Wednesday Wallowing

Getting back on my full medication regimen today. It's been weeks since my doses have been taken as prescribed. I guess I hope I imagine... Things will get better.

Moving Through the Trenches

It has been a while since I lost my insurance. It has been a while since I felt emotions. Tomorrow I will struggle to get the cash for my pill pusher appointment and the coinciding medications. Tomorrow I will get back on the regimen I had before the lapse in stability. Today I have poured... Continue Reading →

Monday Morning

I'm late, 28 minutes as I write this sentence. I've had 2 cups of coffee, My makeup is half done I haven't worn my glasses Since I was last blasted By the depression. Happy Monday...

A Bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon

It's breathing right now. I just picked her up. Garage sale money. • I'm breathing right now. Earlier, life attacked. Weekend bender. • I'm heaving life around Like I'm drowning. Mental Inadequacies. • I'm leaving, letdown By my decline. My serotonin inhibitors. • I'm grieving, system shutdown An emotional imp. A tragic liar. • I'm... Continue Reading →

Thoughts From 8 Years Ago, Today.

The following is a Note I posted to Facebook. It seems some outlooks never fully get away from us. (Note, I have not read through this yet. And have not made any changes to the original note.) Lackluster Beauty. August 9, 2010 at 2:13 PM Beauty is easily found in everthing a person comes in... Continue Reading →

Why I’ve Been Quiet

I'm fully disappointed in myself. Because I don't feel or care. Everything is lackluster and. My life seems so bare. • I went to the bar by myself. Like I do Thursday through. Saturday--Sometimes Sunday. I drink through foggy hues. • We sip whiskey, my friends and myself. I chain smoke and waste my body.... Continue Reading →

I Should Have….

But I didn't. I let it slip my mind And now I am Powerless. • Attack Attack Attack • But I didn't I got home late--early? For today: 2pm is 8am. Abstractness. • But I didn't So I chew up a Xanax, Now, 5pm is 11am-- Affectlessness. • Attack Attack Attack • But I didn't.... Continue Reading →

I Ran Out of Xanax… And Insurance.

My insurance is no longer active and I called to refill my prescription on Thursday. My pill-pusher won't see me without an appointment--I cannot afford therapy without insurance. Isn't life grand? When in a drought, you might die of thirst. Without Xanax I'm fine, I guess. After 5 years of panxiety attacks, I've learned that... Continue Reading →

Life Makes Me Anxious

The sheer thought of a universe-- Crashes down on my shoulders Like a large body on an old mattress. It's flows, forgetting to ebb And steals away my breath Continuous waves, crippling my neck. Because in that universe is a diversity-- Burrowing into our perceptions of why We are here, it scares me: My fractured... Continue Reading →

She’s Safe

Don't worry, She's safe: That girl inside of me. I hurry, But she'll Be there to slow me. She needed A break From my muffled surroundings. I needed A break From her feeling shenanigans. She's tough And so am I I feel it in our inconsistencies I feel That I'll feel In time, with full... Continue Reading →

Always Running…. Late.

And the Panxiety attacks like to show up when I'm running late and only halfway through applying the first coat of nail polish. Your hands begin to shake as your vision blurs. You pray to hold steady long enough to get the full first coat completed. There is always a waiting period. There are always... Continue Reading →

Nothing Normal About Being Numb

I'm still not collecting Or connecting Emotions or attachments This week. *• I told my best friend "I would die so you Could live," last week. She has a son. *• I only have a few Degrees and some Ramblings With my name in script. *• I've killed 5 months of progress In less than... Continue Reading →

Fact #4

The depressed and anxious body fights the mind and the heart and the arms, legs, feet, brain, lungs, lips, eyes, liver, shoulders, neck, nerves, ankles(at least mine; damn sciatic nerve), calves, thighs, fingers and toes. Because that is what a chemical imbalance does.

Lifeless And Living

I still haven't made my bed, none of the pillows have cases, the sheets are tossed about on the floor, at the foot of the bed., and the comforter acts more like a body pillow than a cover. Rain, hail and tornados are roaming the flat space that is Kansas this evening. One of my... Continue Reading →

White Nail Polish: Grotesque

My nail polish reserves are depleting. My finances have been melancholic for months. I am down to new bottles of pink and white; the black and red are more than half-empty: Congealed Combative De-Constructive Corrupted Congested Counterproductive White is in opposition of its meaning, to me. White is grotesque and everything but purity, innocence, sterility....... Continue Reading →

Another Day

I woke up at 8am and leisurely made my first cup of coffee. I took my coffee out to the garage, let the dogs out and lit my second cigarette of the day. I'd woke up at 5, a few hours earlier and opened a fresh pack before heading back to my unmade bed (my... Continue Reading →

Fact #3

The depressed and anxious mind condemns the chemical imbalance as the body performs its continuous combative criticisms.

Clinical Depression

It never felt quite so real until I found out I was "clinically depressed" and it completely makes sense. The first bout lasted for the final eight months of 2017, but this one is different. For four weeks, I've been numb. I drink on the weekends and make people laugh at the bar. I forget... Continue Reading →

Where Did My Feelings Go

I'm hard I'm callous I'm jaded And I could care less. I think. I comprehend I nightmare But nothing brings me stress. I'm here I'm aware I'm not scared But I'm full of brokenness And I could really f**king care less.

Black Nail Polish: Part 4; Permanently Painted

🖤🖤🖤🖤 An Ode to a Black Rose. • Permanence Is beautiful And horrifying And Stagnant • Anarchist At best And worst; Always Aflame • Abnormal Modified Collaborating To Conspire • Permanence Is Self-Deprecating And Convivial; My Black Rose. 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I think 4 months of black Nail Polish was necessary and productive but lacking progression. The... Continue Reading →

I’m Broke, Broken and Breaking

Mother's Day Is broken-- Fast approaching Can't see my kids I broke The engagement: No step-children No mortgage No home Not a mom I'm childless • I've been working. Forty hours a week For free. For months now. I'm broke I broke My life Somehow I've broken My sobriety I'm breaking My own rules And... Continue Reading →

A little less BROKEN TODAY

🎼I have no insides. 🎼 No worries I'm not exploring my fate. I'm dissolved In cynicism and hate. 🎼Thank God for the music.🎼 I'm aggressive In my mind and open mouth. No bothers I'm numb to their failing shouts. 🎼No thoughts, no prayers can bring back what's no longer there.🎼 No thoughts Can regroup my... Continue Reading →

Depression Strikes Again

Today, I hate too much. It sucks. I can't eat a bite without Spitting it back out. I had 3 pieces of sushi On Saturday. A bite of a cookie Yesterday. 3 shots of whiskey Maybe it was 5... 2 shots of tequila 6 or 10 or 15 beers 6 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon Over... Continue Reading →

On This Day

So of course my readers will know what today is. Last year it was on a Monday. I've been blessed with this Sunday to focus, once again on me--my thoughts. I researched the date: 1992 Deadly riots erupt in Los Angeles 53 people died in the riots, which started after the acquittal of the 4... Continue Reading →

Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness

Stoner on a rollercoaster

I need help from all of you. Not for me only but for everyone who is dealing with a mental health problem.

Friends, in our part of world mental health problems are still something we feel too ashamed to talk about.

Either they are misunderstood as some sort of witchcraft or the person is conviniently labeled a psycho and abandoned, mostly emotionaly.

A loved one of mine is living with serious disorders.

I have no strenght and adequate knowlege (as i haven’t seen it myself yet) to write about it, i will hold back my own stream of words for a while until i know what i am talking about.

But i want to raise awareness on the subject as this is consuming our lives and pretty much this era.

People don’t even care about it until unless it doesn’t happen to a person very close or them and then…

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It’s That Time: April 29th, 2018

An Anniversary-- The Anniversary A Culmination Of nearly a Decade Absorbed and Gone by. Tomorrow creeps Shrinks and completes My middle journey My epiphany From His entanglement. I am stronger now But also more jaded And fragmented Than ever. He had a bad knee And today, out of nowhere I experience Physical Empath-- My knee... Continue Reading →

“Wish You Were Here”

But after 30 days of planning I'm not. I'm sitting alone, listening to Atlas. You're there Seeing our concert alone. 🎼How do we make this heartbeat on and on?🎼 I'm here Continually thinking "what if?" What If-- I were there? Would we smile? Would we hug? Would we plunge Into the depths of life together?... Continue Reading →

Mystery Blogger Award

Believe it or not, I WAS NOMINATED FOR THE MYSTERY BLOGGER AWARD! Kate over at The Colour of Madness nominated me for the award and I am so happy to have her in my WordPress community. I find a solidarity with her each time I read a new blog post she has written. We are... Continue Reading →

Oscillation Carries On

A Response to So I Guess you don't Oscillate For Me Anymore: But how? Why? Out of nowhere! And everywhere. And heat rises. Until it Plateaus With Mid-summer Excess. Heightened beats Sweaty extents. Mind-numbing Acquiescence! I can Sense Future regrets, Transgressions. Sadness. Loss. Love.

Pills Pills Pills

I've been awake for 3 hours and my head continues to pound. 75mg Zoloft Final sugar pill of my birth control 15mg Buspar 1 Xanax 30 minutes later 20 minutes ago, 4 Cherry Flavored chewable aspirin. 10 minutes ago, Two 200mg Ibuprofen. I forgot the bottle of ibuprofen had been moved, I wouldn't have even... Continue Reading →

I’m Exhausted, Beyond Belief

My brain. My heart. My body. In complete and utter exhaustion. I called my pill pusher to see if I could up my Zoloft by 25mg. He concurred. 75mg down the hatch. The attacks have commenced On a daily basis--without bias. My chest feels compressed And predominately over stressed. Stomach aches. Back aches. Heart aches--... Continue Reading →

Xanax at 3 a.m.

I far surpassed my twenty-four hours without Xanax Again. But now I am insomniatic to an exponential Extent. I can't get all the pressures off my character's chest Again. It's a revolving door of inadequacy--I can't Prevent. I've been impaled with all consuming transgressions that Assume I won't be able to weather the demonic despair... Continue Reading →

Black Nail Polish and Deap Vally

The polish on my fingers started chipping on the tips again, yesterday. I meant to spend some time removing the polish, with actual nail polish remover but the evening got away from me. This morning in the shower, the raised edges of polish disrupted the ease of my finger through my hair as I washed... Continue Reading →

(Re-Blog) What it’s Like to Have a Panic Attack While Driving – A Poem

What it’s Like to Have a Panic Attack While Driving – A Poem http://jamesedgarskye.com/2018/03/31/what-its-like-to-have-a-panic-attack-while-driving-a-poem/ — Read on jamesedgarskye.com/2018/03/31/what-its-like-to-have-a-panic-attack-while-driving-a-poem/ The Bipolar Writer has been an inspiration to me over the past few months. This piece spoke to me and perfectly states how my driving anxiety presents itself. Please, give his phenomenal blog a gander. ❤️❤️

I Love You All! So Very Much. ❤️

Life. It's funny. Thursday I experienced 24 hours of depression, sparked by a poor playlist selection, titled "Emotions 2018". 24 hours later, I played a mix inspired by AJR, which also includes The Wrecks, Dreamers, Twenty-One Pilots, Finish Ticket, The Score, Coin and The Unicorns. It worked. Music is for the soul. Your likes are... Continue Reading →

An Attack

Morning meds... Check. Plenty of water... Check. Took a full Xanax, 20 minutes ago... Check. But... Attack! Attack. Attack. A neck shaking, feet quaking Attack. Attack. Attack. "Beautiful Koshi Bell's Meditation" Check. Breathe in through your nose, 1,2,3,4 Breathe out through your mouth, as if blowing through a straw, 1,2,3,4,5 F***!!!!!!!! Attack. Attack. Attack. Panic,... Continue Reading →

My Eyes

Somedays, my eyes are a super deep blue. Other days, this abominable green Takes the reins. Ugh. I wish it were just my eyes. "Wish in one hand...." (If you don't know the rest of the saying, just ask.) I follow a fellow blogger on Twitter. She's got quite the fun, eclectic mentality I had... Continue Reading →

Social Media Frenzy

It's such a weird itch-- I continue to scratch. And like after like Follow after follow I smile and retract My previous conditions. Selfies ensue. Four varying Personalities: Facebook: Frenemies. Instagram: Desperately. Twitter: Politically. WordPress...? Understandably. Now I have social media anxiety.

Lofty Thoughts With Loftän

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY0h906bu9w&list=PLOIxgRVG9IRa6bXoALuZFj_MAacriUrd6   For the past two days, I have engrossed myself in the songs of these beautiful ladies.  Loftän is an upcoming German/American band who has stolen my heart and my brainwaves. When I connect with music, it somehow becomes ingrained in my soul. Undercover girl opens with a line which automatically hit my feelers: She took... Continue Reading →

Forgetting My Dose(s)

I'm not sure what happened. So now I've found depression. Filtered by consumption. Without decompression. * Now my head pounds with ferocity. My heart confounded by monotony. My pride has no continuity. And damn you! unbeatable vanity. * But at least it's not numb. Because now in my glum-- State, I consciously succumb To reality's... Continue Reading →

I’m Listening

I'm listening to him snore. Tonight, It's 12am and he fell asleep With his earbuds in The mouthpiece likely Sits near his neck. The vibration of his breathing is Intoxicating Supplementary. Because there is something lacking As I lean on his breath. But how can it be lacking If it's never been there?

To My 101 Companions

I was never sure what would come from starting a blog. I reached out to an audience at one of the lowest points in my life and never expected, that two months into it, 101 of you would care to read or like a single word I had to say, much less follow me! ❤️... Continue Reading →

I Guess You Don’t Oscillate for Me Anymore

The heat wanes But not due to Incompatibility. I've been burned Too many times-- Permanently marred. I can't sink Into oblivion Anymore. Unless it's compatible With my habits-- My needs. My desires are few But imperative-- And mine. The heart wants What the heart Needs.

Endorphins Rising

Wow, Zoloft--is that you? Or is it my newfound lease On life? * Things are getting brighter. Depression wanes and I'm happy. * With one additional pill The Xanax no longer has the Stronghold. * I'm happier without marijuana Which I never expected-- Natural highs. * I had little faith that my brain-- That my... Continue Reading →

24 Hours Without Xanax.

Fifteen minutes prior to leaving for my Talk Therapy appointment, yesterday, I felt an attack coming on--so i took half of a Xanax. On my drive to her office, my heart beat increased and I took the other half. Typically, I would have taken another half around 9pm, to curb the tensions my mind had... Continue Reading →

Throwing Zoloft in the Mix

Current medication regimen: 15mg Buspar, 3 times a day. 50 mg Zoloft, in the morning. .5mg Xanax, 1-2 times daily, as needed. This time last year, I was on 10mg of Paxil, once a day, after weaning myself down from 40mg. Then, yada yada, withdrawal... depression... panic attacks increased... sleep paralysis. So, tomorrow, I will... Continue Reading →

Medication Time—Once Again

Every time. I pull up to my Therapist's office, there seems to be a young girl, waiting to shoot a smile in my direction. I think of her future and mine. I think of the reasons behind our smiles. I think of my age, 32--her's, likely, merely 12. She smiles; I smile back. But I... Continue Reading →

Lips on Lips

After more Than a year. I felt lips-- Again. * Today, It doesn't Feel Right-- Again. * My team Was defeated And I lost-- Again. * I said: I Vow To Live, Again. * It is Not Living If it is with Those Lips.

Going Back for Future Trajectories

Today I contacted my Alma Mater in regards to getting a second Master's Degree in Public Administration. Apparently: I have a profound desire to make the world(my community) a better place; I love intellectual stimulation; I NEED to get out of KS; I refuse to teach HS English with my first Graduate Degree; I refuse... Continue Reading →

My Other Blog

The depressed and anxious mind gets weary. I am not only my anxiety. I am not only my depression. I am not only my early-onset OCD. I am not only my ED--if it's there. I was once "dirka squirrel". Please don't take offense, I used to be a belligerent stoner without rules or regulations. I... Continue Reading →

Inhale

I breathed in And out The Denver air With rigorous voracity. * It put my mind At ease with Past Present Future. * Life became whole Again In this reckless Brain, of mine. * Tomorrow I Will Spring With temperament And a new Found love. * For breathing.

I Drank… On A Weeknight.

I don't know why, But I drank last night. On a Tuesday. I filled a beer glass With red wine. Three time. * Three times I chased An amber shot Of Whiskey With wine. * I can't wrap My head around The act Or the reason. But it happened. And I hate the reason-- Why?

Red Nail Polish

This isn't working. Last night I gnawed the gold polish from my nails. There were surely ten layers of a fake mentality, working against me. I thought gold could change things. But even potential wanes, like the ebb and flow of surrounding waters. I thought red might still suit me like it did back then--but... Continue Reading →

Musing at Midnight

So there is vino In my veins. There is moonlight In my shame-- Which bewilders My counterclaim. * So I may be weak But utterly cognizant Of my aim. To regain My flaming Confidence. * And I take steps. I break frets. I steal nets Which catch me In my own depths. * Of self-righteousness--... Continue Reading →

I Vow to Live, Again.

My vulnerabilities Aren't stronger Than my character-- Anymore. * So last night I did. Last night I danced--I sang. I'm 32, but danced Like I was 21. * I locked eyes With masculine strangers-- They'd inch closer, Hand on hip--but no. Not yet. * I vow to indulge But not be consumed. Because it was... Continue Reading →

I Have Conquered… Something.

What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM... Continue Reading →

A Valentine to Forget

Four years ago he asked me to marry him; I said yes and we played adult board games for the remainder of that Valentines Day. I think I'm going to sell the engagement ring. I'm going to sell the pearl necklace, because it's a white pearl. My heart is suited to Tahitian Pearls. There was... Continue Reading →

Habits

I drank last night. I smoked last night. Yesterday I told him I was falling. I gotta stay high all the time To keep you off my mind I am falling But I can't And I won't Because today is about me. Trying to forget you babe I fall back down My sobs are inconsolable Because... Continue Reading →

Strangers

There were strangers in my head last night. For the few hours of drifting into sleep-- There were strangers in my house last night. But they weren't actually there--there. Dozens filled the small room around my bed. I fought my way out of that stranger filled room And found my mother, out of place. She was... Continue Reading →

Insomnia

Mixed with Irrational dreams: Hallucinatory And as shackling, As sleep paralysis. Apparently, The anxiety The depression The self-induced Inferiority Required a new friend. So today, I will NOT Be suitable For human interaction. I will close My office door. I will scowl At intruders. I will double My coffee intake. I will not return Calls... Continue Reading →

Lean On Me

I'm used to the burden Regardless of my Waning strengths, I will bandage Your paper cuts-- While a major artery Flows with fury From my body. Because you mean Everything or Something. But definitely Not nothing.

Gold Nail Polish

I started peeling away the black nail polish at 1:30 this morning, with the voracity of a prepubescent boy entertaining his first hard on. It was as involuntary as my sobbing over the past eight months. For the past 30 days, I piled layer upon layer of the thick, black goop on my nails; It was... Continue Reading →

De(Com)Pression

I rummage for Empty space On country roads. And vociferate New melodies. And-- "I-I-I-I-I can't stop." Reveling on Involuntary sobs, Insurmountable distance, Unconquerable regrets. I've missed 100 percent of the shots I didn't take. So these ducts Well over With unease. And the music Plays on Repeat. "I-I-I-I-I can't stop"

Can Abyss

It's followed me For fifteen years. Around every corner of depression and elation-- Agitation. A green, blueprint to So many bad Selections. Fabricating a dark Chasam In my cognitive Suggestions. My longest Relationship-- A soul-destroying Anthology Of numbing Concentration. So today-- I give you up. For clarity. For brighter Moments. For better Tomorrows.

Lady Parts

I wasn't able to post this weekend. So you're welcome. I am sure everyone likes a break from the monotony of my fragmented prose and sporadic poetics. My weekend was full to the brim, but not in the optimistic sense. I was literally in constant motion--which entailed nearly six full hours of driving, five of... Continue Reading →

Fact No. 2

The depressed and anxious mind takes time to understand the frivolous nature of society--before it stages it's coup de grâce.   Photo credit: What's Wrong With Today's Society Captured In 10+ Though-Provoking Illustrations By Al Margen

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