PSA: Comrades.

I woke up the morning of the 2020 presidential election, assuming I would not be voting at the top of the ticket; I pulled up to the polling place, in my small, rural town and showed the face under the mask, alongside my Kansas State ID, and used the “I Voted” stylus to give them... Continue Reading →

Instigating Attacks

Three days in a row Poor choices, across the board Endearing inductions, Reminiscent of times before— But less active in passing. Not passive, and the activity is astounding. Oddly satisfying, but not Increasingly confounding, More positive than not But the pulses through my body Are legitimate— That old anxiety, Throwing quakes and shakes In the... Continue Reading →

Seeing Colors

Over the past few months, after months of contemplation, I decided five years was plenty. Though, I think it was more than six—6 years, since my first rendezvous with Paxil, Celexa, Metoprolol, and the like. Those days, I needed control... Insert Grad School A Glorified Hobby My Masterpiece Nonetheless, I gradually discovered, This world sucks... Continue Reading →

Off My Meds: Part 1; Recognition

I haven’t had a an all-out panxiety attack since I’ve been off my meds. The thought actually pings me with tiny attacks, but I push out a few proud breaths and The world doesn’t cave in, as it used to. Fall is moving in Ugh, Kansas I’m bored with you.

Quitting Her

I’m tired of her shit. Tired of her anger Her lackadaisical nature. I’m tired of her grief And the lack thereof, Her inability to breathe Under an economy so bleak. No simple curtail is in order, She’ll rely on prompt compression For decompression. Her serotonin, soon lonesome Finding notions of emotions, Once flowing. So goodbye,... Continue Reading →

Simply Sexless

When you have no desire to just fuck. Conquests become less and less Occasionally left to ponder, and second-guess My pill-pusher’s reassurance, “You need this.“

To The Core

I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →

Chest Pains

Pop a Xanax. Out of my Zoloft Pop a Xanax. Out of whiskey Pop a Xanax. Desiring toxicity Pop a xanny. Crying because... I popped a xanny.

Shatter

Because dreams are Unattainable In moments fixed. Confrontational If not transfixed. Recreational Affixed, mixed and Lackadaisical. Fully betwixt And insatiable.

Holidays and Depression

Seasonal or situational? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without my Mother's breath. Without my Father, in depth. With serotonin's constant death. * Self-deprecating or debating? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without his kiss on my forehead. Without any bliss or fortune. Depression is so... fucking... morbid. * Medicating or sedating? Just fucking juxtapose the two,... Continue Reading →

Post Two-Hundred and Fifty

My nails are still painted black. I still have regular panxiety attacks. And your mom is whack. * Haha! Just joking. Love you all, each and everyone of you. For interacting, supporting and inspiring every post I wrote after the first "like" and "follow" on Pink Starburst Anxiety. * I needed you when I still... Continue Reading →

Afterwards

And after my shower. My skin still screams, Tiny bugs or Anxiety's buzz? I continue to cower, Under these layers Of haze and emo bangs. Self-sacrificing, yet dour. I scrub and scrape, My spine quakes alongside sciatic shakes. Has my heart been devoured? Annexed to nothingness? Callous like Xanax?

Next step: Horse Tranquilizers?!?!

It is just about time to go visit my pill pusher again. I'm not looking forward to this visit--we spoke about ketamine injections last time, on his suggestion and it has me a tiny bit anxious. Ketamine injections are now approved for treating depression with suicidal thoughts, as well as collaborative depression/anxiety disorders. I don't... Continue Reading →

I Want Me In My Life

But I'm not sure who I am anymore. Am I really this unfeeling? Or is it just an act? Self preservation? Evolution? Regurgitation? Indignation? Subjugation? In summation--I..., I guess I care Not. Not to ponder. Not to react--add, Or subtract. If it's blatantly Stabbing me, I am too numb Or tired Or intoxicated To feel... Continue Reading →

Clinical Depression

It never felt quite so real until I found out I was "clinically depressed" and it completely makes sense. The first bout lasted for the final eight months of 2017, but this one is different. For four weeks, I've been numb. I drink on the weekends and make people laugh at the bar. I forget... Continue Reading →

Where Did My Feelings Go

I'm hard I'm callous I'm jaded And I could care less. I think. I comprehend I nightmare But nothing brings me stress. I'm here I'm aware I'm not scared But I'm full of brokenness And I could really f**king care less.

Pills Pills Pills

I've been awake for 3 hours and my head continues to pound. 75mg Zoloft Final sugar pill of my birth control 15mg Buspar 1 Xanax 30 minutes later 20 minutes ago, 4 Cherry Flavored chewable aspirin. 10 minutes ago, Two 200mg Ibuprofen. I forgot the bottle of ibuprofen had been moved, I wouldn't have even... Continue Reading →

I’m Exhausted, Beyond Belief

My brain. My heart. My body. In complete and utter exhaustion. I called my pill pusher to see if I could up my Zoloft by 25mg. He concurred. 75mg down the hatch. The attacks have commenced On a daily basis--without bias. My chest feels compressed And predominately over stressed. Stomach aches. Back aches. Heart aches--... Continue Reading →

An Attack

Morning meds... Check. Plenty of water... Check. Took a full Xanax, 20 minutes ago... Check. But... Attack! Attack. Attack. A neck shaking, feet quaking Attack. Attack. Attack. "Beautiful Koshi Bell's Meditation" Check. Breathe in through your nose, 1,2,3,4 Breathe out through your mouth, as if blowing through a straw, 1,2,3,4,5 F***!!!!!!!! Attack. Attack. Attack. Panic,... Continue Reading →

Forgetting My Dose(s)

I'm not sure what happened. So now I've found depression. Filtered by consumption. Without decompression. * Now my head pounds with ferocity. My heart confounded by monotony. My pride has no continuity. And damn you! unbeatable vanity. * But at least it's not numb. Because now in my glum-- State, I consciously succumb To reality's... Continue Reading →

Endorphins Rising

Wow, Zoloft--is that you? Or is it my newfound lease On life? * Things are getting brighter. Depression wanes and I'm happy. * With one additional pill The Xanax no longer has the Stronghold. * I'm happier without marijuana Which I never expected-- Natural highs. * I had little faith that my brain-- That my... Continue Reading →

Throwing Zoloft in the Mix

Current medication regimen: 15mg Buspar, 3 times a day. 50 mg Zoloft, in the morning. .5mg Xanax, 1-2 times daily, as needed. This time last year, I was on 10mg of Paxil, once a day, after weaning myself down from 40mg. Then, yada yada, withdrawal... depression... panic attacks increased... sleep paralysis. So, tomorrow, I will... Continue Reading →

Medication Time—Once Again

Every time. I pull up to my Therapist's office, there seems to be a young girl, waiting to shoot a smile in my direction. I think of her future and mine. I think of the reasons behind our smiles. I think of my age, 32--her's, likely, merely 12. She smiles; I smile back. But I... Continue Reading →

Red Nail Polish

This isn't working. Last night I gnawed the gold polish from my nails. There were surely ten layers of a fake mentality, working against me. I thought gold could change things. But even potential wanes, like the ebb and flow of surrounding waters. I thought red might still suit me like it did back then--but... Continue Reading →

I Have Conquered… Something.

What a week!!! This is sure to be a long post, brimming with depression, anxiety, therapy, strength, epiphanies, and maybe even a little pleasure. I may leave that last one lacking in concrete details, but allusions will be made, take them as you wish. Two months ago, on my birthday, I received a Facebook PM... Continue Reading →

Habits

I drank last night. I smoked last night. Yesterday I told him I was falling. I gotta stay high all the time To keep you off my mind I am falling But I can't And I won't Because today is about me. Trying to forget you babe I fall back down My sobs are inconsolable Because... Continue Reading →

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