Experience is rewarding; Bodies collide and disperse along breaking tides of blood, sweat and tears. Experience is growth; Bodies buried deep beneath the Earth and within the heart’s callous surface. Experience is differential: You will never understand or underestimate the opinion, reasoning or conundrum which has mother-fucking-formed my view— or lack thereof. Experience is understanding:... Continue Reading →
I glaze over reality Why? And when it rocks me Back and forth, Anxiety, once in my body Now my mind. Why do i care, compare, Remain scared? I reject newness, lay it bare I disconnect and can’t correct— They don’t compare. Nothing challenges me, I’m changes in gray atmosphere My brain follows Stagnant, foggy... Continue Reading →
When you have no desire to just fuck. Conquests become less and less Occasionally left to ponder, and second-guess My pill-pusher’s reassurance, “You need this.“
I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →
Desensitized To my surroundings. What is Covid 19? Facetiousness and sarcasm Will never decrease Because these meds Have a fucking hold On me.
It started raining on my way to your place. I took the long way, hoping to calm my incessant nerves. I wondered if the rain was trying to water something in me, I felt so cold, rigid and angry. My thoughts of you weren’t, aren’t fine, kind or blind. And I feel alive for the... Continue Reading →
Mine have never been straight-- Jagged angles sketched By numbered hands. Singularly shattering All laws of degrees. Yet, soft curves continually Consistently, Captivate and crush me. I trace these lines raw Leaving myself susceptible To disease. Leaving myself, Lethargically I'll at fucking ease.
Because dreams are Unattainable In moments fixed. Confrontational If not transfixed. Recreational Affixed, mixed and Lackadaisical. Fully betwixt And insatiable.
Seasonal or situational? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without my Mother's breath. Without my Father, in depth. With serotonin's constant death. * Self-deprecating or debating? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without his kiss on my forehead. Without any bliss or fortune. Depression is so... fucking... morbid. * Medicating or sedating? Just fucking juxtapose the two,... Continue Reading →
And after my shower. My skin still screams, Tiny bugs or Anxiety's buzz? I continue to cower, Under these layers Of haze and emo bangs. Self-sacrificing, yet dour. I scrub and scrape, My spine quakes alongside sciatic shakes. Has my heart been devoured? Annexed to nothingness? Callous like Xanax?
I skim my snaps and see unfamiliar smiles. Of us, simply serenaded in sweetness. It's astounding: how sadistic, how sorrowful It all seems, sounds, settles: Insta-sad. Substance doesn't seep through, nor sighs. Seeds need substantial sustenance to survive. Yet, this starburst shakes. Depression stays. Anxiety throws her in a sequential haze.
He couldn't make me cry this time. He only made the nerves cringe And shake--forced to take... A bar. * He couldn't make me see his side. He claims it wasn't a lying binge. But that trust is covered in rust, Lodestar.
There are always voids. Some fill these voids with food. Some with meds. Alcohol. Narcotics. I prefer a more natural approach, But even then... The void, is a void, Within a void of violent Vowing to value vehemence. Over, vanishing. My void-- The Void, My Vanity Visualizes. Valuable love. * Love with the voracity To... Continue Reading →
Followed by 36 hours in bed. Or 40 something hours... I just woke up and don't feel like doing the math. I'm exhausted I need a shower and a pack of smokes. *** Insert Shower *** Roll another smoke from my pouch of Bugler. *** I'm tired of making poor choices but they always seem... Continue Reading →
I'm fully disappointed in myself. Because I don't feel or care. Everything is lackluster and. My life seems so bare. • I went to the bar by myself. Like I do Thursday through. Saturday--Sometimes Sunday. I drink through foggy hues. • We sip whiskey, my friends and myself. I chain smoke and waste my body.... Continue Reading →
And it's really weird. All I get is irritated Or Satirically exhilarated. Leaving my date To surmise my mind Must be extremely aggravated At him or his existence. But it's all just numbing The monotony of this file Of depression I've succumbed to.
I figured it would happen eventually. A man my age showed up out of nowhere. He has a great smile and believe it or not, after 3 weeks, he has yet to say anything asinine or disrespectful. Crazy, right!? He still doesn't know my feelings are M.I.A., that should be an interesting conversation. We'll leave... Continue Reading →
Don't worry, She's safe: That girl inside of me. I hurry, But she'll Be there to slow me. She needed A break From my muffled surroundings. I needed A break From her feeling shenanigans. She's tough And so am I I feel it in our inconsistencies I feel That I'll feel In time, with full... Continue Reading →
I'm still not collecting Or connecting Emotions or attachments This week. *• I told my best friend "I would die so you Could live," last week. She has a son. *• I only have a few Degrees and some Ramblings With my name in script. *• I've killed 5 months of progress In less than... Continue Reading →
I still haven't made my bed, none of the pillows have cases, the sheets are tossed about on the floor, at the foot of the bed., and the comforter acts more like a body pillow than a cover. Rain, hail and tornados are roaming the flat space that is Kansas this evening. One of my... Continue Reading →
I woke up at 8am and leisurely made my first cup of coffee. I took my coffee out to the garage, let the dogs out and lit my second cigarette of the day. I'd woke up at 5, a few hours earlier and opened a fresh pack before heading back to my unmade bed (my... Continue Reading →
It never felt quite so real until I found out I was "clinically depressed" and it completely makes sense. The first bout lasted for the final eight months of 2017, but this one is different. For four weeks, I've been numb. I drink on the weekends and make people laugh at the bar. I forget... Continue Reading →