Preceded by 118 sunsets Where my brain let my heart decide Which way to look.
“I went to the woods to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” We arrived after dark, fell into the pillow top mattress, cracked a beer and... Continue Reading →
A lifetime of proposing, An insight, or two. A conundrum of confounding confrontations— Saliva, sativa and sanctuary, To name a few. I put a few specimens into my files, Exposed my abilities, To explain a lack of explanation. I found that I shouldn’t breach my contract, With me, myself, and... You. What brought you here?... Continue Reading →
Three days in a row Poor choices, across the board Endearing inductions, Reminiscent of times before— But less active in passing. Not passive, and the activity is astounding. Oddly satisfying, but not Increasingly confounding, More positive than not But the pulses through my body Are legitimate— That old anxiety, Throwing quakes and shakes In the... Continue Reading →
Open, but so tired of changing So tired—Of losing control Igniting different places Ignited by and bye, again This Overzealous mind. Days of wine and Roses Quenched breathes on necks Kisses on eyes, Fingers in mouths For giggles and smiles. We started counting: Adding, subtracting and dividing our time. My serotonin was multiplied. And all... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind continually stumbles along lines of bipolar acquainting with other humans. . . Some humans I can laugh with, and we’ve laughed together for years, but it’s unlikely I’ll invite them into my personal space—our home is in another place. Some humans are furniture in my favorite spaces, but there is... Continue Reading →
For twelve hours, over a few nights. It happened to happen By happenstance An acquaintance An encounter Over and over again Those electric moments All devilish smiles For miles Likely the closest possibility To experience Prince Charming In this Sea of Fall and fires, I foresee; And through the winter months I assume we’ll continue... Continue Reading →
Over the past few months, after months of contemplation, I decided five years was plenty. Though, I think it was more than six—6 years, since my first rendezvous with Paxil, Celexa, Metoprolol, and the like. Those days, I needed control... Insert Grad School A Glorified Hobby My Masterpiece Nonetheless, I gradually discovered, This world sucks... Continue Reading →
I haven’t had a an all-out panxiety attack since I’ve been off my meds. The thought actually pings me with tiny attacks, but I push out a few proud breaths and The world doesn’t cave in, as it used to. Fall is moving in Ugh, Kansas I’m bored with you.
I glaze over reality Why? And when it rocks me Back and forth, Anxiety, once in my body Now my mind. Why do i care, compare, Remain scared? I reject newness, lay it bare I disconnect and can’t correct— They don’t compare. Nothing challenges me, I’m changes in gray atmosphere My brain follows Stagnant, foggy... Continue Reading →
There are rules I’ve never pondered, And beats I’ve never addressed Left Together Right Together I always seem to miss. * Yesterday’s song was abominable, And my feet, no—my spine was inhospitable. Left Together Right Together And in my stumbles, my sciatic schisms, I materialize perfect delusions Right Together * Serendipitously serenading the floors, my... Continue Reading →
I’m tired of her shit. Tired of her anger Her lackadaisical nature. I’m tired of her grief And the lack thereof, Her inability to breathe Under an economy so bleak. No simple curtail is in order, She’ll rely on prompt compression For decompression. Her serotonin, soon lonesome Finding notions of emotions, Once flowing. So goodbye,... Continue Reading →
Calloused hands don’t determine the dexterity, one has to offer. Tan lines on imperfect bodies are hard to swallow. Similar journey’s began untarnished, ignorant and lackadaisical. Later Quests fulfilled with a variety of abandonment and astonishments. I’d rather life start taking body parts, dismembering my heart first.
When you have no desire to just fuck. Conquests become less and less Occasionally left to ponder, and second-guess My pill-pusher’s reassurance, “You need this.“
To is not too And it advertently Makes me blue. Sapiosexual Ultimately Currently Asexual in response To your too not meaning Two To me Charcoal Works by Joseph Loughborough
Once again, dawning my robe Thinking of you. Yours, and how comfortable-- In blue. 🎶My mother told me that world has got it's plans. I wanna hold 'em till they burn right through my hands.🎶 That ice on my skin, Burning numb And swallowing me. Like protein and smoke. 🎶But rising on up and then... Continue Reading →
I’m fucking cold, but the ice doesn’t burn. I’m fucking cold, and it’s not hard to discern. An underlying chemical imbalance, propped up by Zoloft, Buspar and decreasing desires. Happy is sad and I didn’t hit rewind in time. I’m so mother-fucking cold, now she’s cold too. I’m cold to the touch, inside—no lucky happenstance... Continue Reading →
Undeniable support Yet a reliable sort Of reaction. 250 set my heart aflame, 475 showed no strain.... But 500, Five-oh-one-- Set my lame aim To defame the Counterclaim, Of misnamed fame. I'm left to wonder. 502 and counting to three. Why I can't support me.
I just came upon this old post and found my current medications would be a smart topic. I am now capped, at the dosage of Zoloft a person is allowed. https://wp.me/p9xIGo-86 200mg Zoloft, once a day With 4 sides of Buspar Xanax Oh! Xanax, my coy friend I miss you, dearly. Benedryl, thank you for... Continue Reading →
When I read that book, I know you'll think of me. In juxtaposition... L.I.T.T.E.R.A.L.Y. with the time/ space continuum. The lines will help me realize, that in my deepest despair, the ocean took over mother earth and killed all that was fare. The wine still floweth, unfortunately-- I too long juxtaposed a frivolous reality. That... Continue Reading →
Desensitized To my surroundings. What is Covid 19? Facetiousness and sarcasm Will never decrease Because these meds Have a fucking hold On me.
From the start, Pink Starburst Anxiety was a vehicle for my unconquered demons: a space where my mental health was taken seriously, because no one in my life truly seemed to understand how debilitating my anxiety and depression had become. It seemed to transition over the past year to a blog I’m not quite happy... Continue Reading →
It started raining on my way to your place. I took the long way, hoping to calm my incessant nerves. I wondered if the rain was trying to water something in me, I felt so cold, rigid and angry. My thoughts of you weren’t, aren’t fine, kind or blind. And I feel alive for the... Continue Reading →
My anxiety is on blast; Filling that space in my chest: Coronavirus? Cardiac arrest? That fucker I kissed? Back to that gnawing, Sawing, uncontrollable panic. Back to the panxiety; Full pulmonary uncertainty.
I surmised a familiar path, With a new trajectory in mind. I rearranged my brain and heart, And entered four numbers, two times. It was as if I were returning home, It was as if we were streamlined. I pulled up a tiny stool and Noted long, unfamiliar curls-- Quarantined, confined and tied To disfigured... Continue Reading →
Clawing at the core-- Crafting crass cries And Contemplating. Connecting Over Obsessing On ordinary On-cores. *** Vigilant, I've been Vile views, through Various endeavors. Interacting in Insignificant, Irreconcilable Indifferences. Determining if those Damning diamonds are Deemed dangerous In the dankest off times.
I brushed my teeth And braved the world For a box of Bota wine. * -Phone in ziplock -Wallet too -Clorox wipes: a find! * -Keys wiped down (A before and after Routine outside my queue). * Sippin-Sopping wet outside, Less chance for Corona to stew. * I look back at my cat, my oldest... Continue Reading →
Pop a Xanax. Out of my Zoloft Pop a Xanax. Out of whiskey Pop a Xanax. Desiring toxicity Pop a xanny. Crying because... I popped a xanny.
Yet, I surmise, I'm subjective. Selectively enclosed in a soft shell of a shrine I've studied for years--shuddering amongst the lies of myself and others. Silence is suggestive, occasionally, and I surround myself with sorrowful shadows of past and present, salacious endeavors. And, I still surmise, I'm sensationally objective . Serenading the symbols and symptoms... Continue Reading →
Tribulations truncated Twisted into tears Or tenaciously troubled By tactless Tiresome Tawdry Tedious Temperamental... Trials, Tasking my tetchy trips... B-b-b-Back..... Towards you: Tinder Trial #2.
Sunday, two-thousand and twenty, Though, Always setting on the twelfth. Sadness sweeps over sleep Uneasy shudders shatter Unextinguished embers. And He's been fucking gone for so fucking long--- My Father. A Not-So-Sweet, Sixteen Years of grief, disbelief And now... She's fucking gone. My Mother. I'm smothered by Seriousness, mixed with Sauvignon. Soundly sinking Into the... Continue Reading →
Because dreams are Unattainable In moments fixed. Confrontational If not transfixed. Recreational Affixed, mixed and Lackadaisical. Fully betwixt And insatiable.
Decadence Remembrance * All too cloy to employ. * Arrogance Eloquence Fecklessness * A joy? Toy? To destroy? + Fretfulness Helplessness Restlessness * Your golden whipping boy.
The ebb and flow Ejaculates yesterday's soul. The bitter cold Calculates countless roles. So dark, drab, damned Unquestionably sorrowful. December's claim, Driving out ducklings in despair. On the water, Irreprehensible and fair. Deceiver Chased away A long time Coming
So why do these gasps Bring tears and convulsions? Hyperventilations? You've cut the air from My chest, my continued State of unrest--Utter Dissemination
There's a gloomy little fog That lies over, you and me. It rests upon the shores of My safe haven, Cuts along the lines of where I expected us to meet On frequent expeditions * You and Me. * I can only fathom, moments... Of us have passed. But I fake And relate, retaliate-- My... Continue Reading →
It's my first Thanksgiving Without Mom. I made her casserole Without qualm 30 minutes foiled Without time. 45 uncovered Without rhyme. Bottom, left hand corner Without fail-- I tasted, moms wisdom Without curtail. I'll always love to cook Without her But eating, I don't like Without him.
Itching, Eternally Feeling, Physical Bites, Bumps-- Weeks old but still blunt. * Just like her presence In your bed I scratch and it stings Lacerations bleed.
Seasonal or situational? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without my Mother's breath. Without my Father, in depth. With serotonin's constant death. * Self-deprecating or debating? Let's just juxtapose the two: Without his kiss on my forehead. Without any bliss or fortune. Depression is so... fucking... morbid. * Medicating or sedating? Just fucking juxtapose the two,... Continue Reading →
My nails are still painted black. I still have regular panxiety attacks. And your mom is whack. * Haha! Just joking. Love you all, each and everyone of you. For interacting, supporting and inspiring every post I wrote after the first "like" and "follow" on Pink Starburst Anxiety. * I needed you when I still... Continue Reading →
And after my shower. My skin still screams, Tiny bugs or Anxiety's buzz? I continue to cower, Under these layers Of haze and emo bangs. Self-sacrificing, yet dour. I scrub and scrape, My spine quakes alongside sciatic shakes. Has my heart been devoured? Annexed to nothingness? Callous like Xanax?
In my wine-drunk rants. I just like to forget what, I can't bear to remember. * I read the messages late. In a more sober state. Tears burn like hot embers. * I never wish you hurt or harmed Though it seems your general state. Depressed again; My natural December fate.
Again Absorbing Absolutely Anything. * Aggravating Analogies * Abandoning Acquaintances. * Accepting Attractive, Astute Applications * Anchored. Accessible. Ambient. Affectionate. * Apathy An ailment
I skim my snaps and see unfamiliar smiles. Of us, simply serenaded in sweetness. It's astounding: how sadistic, how sorrowful It all seems, sounds, settles: Insta-sad. Substance doesn't seep through, nor sighs. Seeds need substantial sustenance to survive. Yet, this starburst shakes. Depression stays. Anxiety throws her in a sequential haze.
He couldn't make me cry this time. He only made the nerves cringe And shake--forced to take... A bar. * He couldn't make me see his side. He claims it wasn't a lying binge. But that trust is covered in rust, Lodestar.
Post-Traumatic Stress... "Just come cuddle me." Predestined, Pressed? "Please, just love me." Passionate- Less. "I think I need... you? Pacifist, Yes. "I knew you were a mess." Painkilling Mess. "Please, before the moment's gone." Pitiful Pitiless
My days *****Accumulating Over *****Time, amount to dark. My haze *****Backdating thousands, Drove her *****Back to Depression. Sideways *****Glances, from diamonds. Joker; *****Smoker; Controller. My gaze: *****Amounts to darkness. Over Time, this heart went dark.
I'm a glutton I enjoy punishment I make a wish-- For hope. Hope I can cherish. Hope I can share. Hope I can live, And smile... on my own.
I was taken aback. The coin randomly popped into my world... Again. So, inevitably, I felt it automatically pop into his. That was how quickly things happened in my oblivious heart. My brain, on the other hand is akin to a toddler with a sluggish cognitive tempo. Of course, he wasn't nearly as impressed by... Continue Reading →
There are always voids. Some fill these voids with food. Some with meds. Alcohol. Narcotics. I prefer a more natural approach, But even then... The void, is a void, Within a void of violent Vowing to value vehemence. Over, vanishing. My void-- The Void, My Vanity Visualizes. Valuable love. * Love with the voracity To... Continue Reading →
Recently I've become rather close to one of my friends and last night, after hours of confused crying and doubling up on my Xanax at her place, I was invited on an all expenses paid, weekend getaway with she and her fiancé. Last night they asked; this morning I forgot. Last night I cried and... Continue Reading →
Food has always been a touchy subject in my life. Early in life, I struggled with my weight and have never, truly felt comfortable in my own skin. For over a decade, I typically refused to eat in public. Even at 130 pounds, I was so obsessed with not eating around my friends that I... Continue Reading →
Sometimes, I just cry. Even on my meds. Little things-- Mom's granola bar, 10 months past expiration. His invitations My fur-babies. My refrigerator My 600lb life. Out of Xanax. Out of money. Out of family. Just cry, baby girl. Just cry.
Static on the line, I hear it all the time But I'm quiet when you make me fade Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black But I'm brighter when you make me fade You make me fade, you make me fade You make me brighter when you make me fade KFlay has consistently... Continue Reading →
And I lost "it"-- The label. Forever? I Overthink. After Overthinking, About... Overthinking. Now Just Waiting....
He bought me sushi, And I listened to him snore. He lights My soul On fire. Those fucking Diamond eyes.
In those Diamond eyes. Finally. Like Pulling teeth-- Pins And needles-- Vibe. Squashed?Or Squishy?Definitely Sublime. Again-- My Redefined... Clarity.
Potent Fun Anxiety Induced Haze. Do you see anyone other than me? Baby, please I'll take a hit of whatever you got Maybe two, maybe three Oh you're phenomenal, feel like a domino, fall to my knees I am a malady, you are my galaxy, my sweet reliefTired So damn Tired Of this Haze
https://youtu.be/RVErCnCguWE I've been avoiding a call from someone I once knew Ain't got no parachute breaking my fall, believe it's more fun to Not give a fuck for a minute at all, yeah I'm looking for some truth But I'm complacent when facing the wall, know you want me to want you Never took one... Continue Reading →
I'm going back-- For seconds. Knowing I'm showing My true self This time around I'm glowing And he's.... A Cunt. Not saying... Just-- Saying.
Botta Box And breaks At bedtime. I'm bedraggled Because of The Cabernet. It's belittling The habit To inebriate My being. Belittle my Beginnings-- His belittling Rambles mine. I'm begging. He's bragging. I'm betraying My Dignity.
I guess I quit smoking. With my handy dandy Juul. I've lost 2, Bought 2, Owned 3. I quit for a date-- Of the Tinder kind, Alongside, my mother's Recent battle with The C word. I've been surprised, Such an easy switch... Because, I wanted it. It's nice, not needing to buy 2 packs every... Continue Reading →
🎼Go ahead and watch my heart burn With the fire that you started in me But I'll never let you back to put it out🎼 "He wasn't going to come back," I thought to myself. He was going to be the love I lost for no reason--and he hurt ME! He destroyed the Love I... Continue Reading →
Wanna date me? 😂😂😂 Trying to have a light-hearted evening. Couple drinks with my best girls. We are all so different So confrontational So much.... my family.
Tinder.... Ugh. Met one-- Thought of another Messaged a 3rd Sent a selfie to the 4th. None of them, I'm sure. Want me for the long haul.
It is just about time to go visit my pill pusher again. I'm not looking forward to this visit--we spoke about ketamine injections last time, on his suggestion and it has me a tiny bit anxious. Ketamine injections are now approved for treating depression with suicidal thoughts, as well as collaborative depression/anxiety disorders. I don't... Continue Reading →
Cheer up, baby girl. * I love you, Dani. * As my mother laid in bed, on her first evening in hospice--June 11, 2019, I sat to her right side, held her hand and bawled my eyes out. The last coherent words, were for me: "Cheer up, baby girl." On the morning of January 12,... Continue Reading →
My ex-fiancé and I have been seeing a bit more of each other lately. He brought two kids to mom's viewing and funeral last month, most of his family attended as well. On Saturday I asked him about the ac needing charged in my car and within an hour, I was in his parents driveway,... Continue Reading →
Short-lived, serendipitous and sly, I suppose. It's Sunday, I'm sleep-deprived and solemn, to say.... the slightest? Scorned. Scored? Still insecure. So I escaped. I'm secluded, substantially. Sarcastically scared, scratched and screwed. Sense and sensitivity. Sensibilities are shadows. I am a shadow. Spring stands on my shoulders. I stand on sticks of sacrilegious stares. Searching for... Continue Reading →
It's been storming in Kansas. Flooding, and the like. Tornadoes have been spiking- Lives lost, unsportsmanlike. * I sip boxed wine, from a plastic cup, Taken from my favorite spot. Thunder and lightening, feelings galore, A missed trip to the drugstore. Another Saturday at home, It's what I'm doing now. Drinking wine; wasting time. Asking... Continue Reading →
For Mother's Day I received 6 months Of birth control. Today would be My father's 63rd Birthday. I couldn't imagine Birthing a child, Raising a child, Loving a child-- Making a child happy, Healthy, heroic. So I popped for pills On Mother's Day, One the next. Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat... Retreat.
Was over a year ago. 2006 Silver Saturn Vue-- And by the way, That's my usual level Of gas, In my tank. My output was 60 hours My input valued at 12. But that's positive, Unusual. She started making Noises, Similar to... My mother-- That ball rattling, Up the cylinder, with every inhale, Hard suck.... Continue Reading →
I wish I knew why my brain doesn't work quite as well as I hope it would. I have weeks where I'm not intoxicated a single day (Not Since mom's diagnosis), but I still find my brain shutting completely off. I don't know if it's the anxiety or the depression, but it numbs my brain... Continue Reading →
Sisters-- It's said their sparks Are supposedly, Not sporadically Sensational in sequestering Solidarity. * Your Starburst Seemingly lacks Sisterly spirit. She splinters, She solemnly sleeps In severe solitude. * Her sisters Sentencing her Severely, ceaselessly Shoulder to shoulder Side by side. Sister-like. * Speechless I subside Inside, outside Inside, outside Sleeplessness Suggests This sheep is... Continue Reading →
I can only assume this stems from an "ignorance is bliss" platform, but nonetheless I will always choose hard truths. I've been beaten and bruised, internally, for far too long and it diminishes my capacity to trust. Ignorance is not bliss; Thoreau wanted the masses educated, but even in that we find a double edged... Continue Reading →
I don't know what made me think I wanted to start dating again. In December, I downloaded a few dating apps, inevitably went through two terrible dates and an epistolary novel's worth's of messages, until I met a man who I was thoroughly intrigued by. We started messaging the day after my 33rd birthday. Met... Continue Reading →
Too tired to sleep Too anxious to dream My eyes can barely see. These hallways, so long Barren, and dull. I wish I could just Breathe. I warm my coffee With free, fresh-brewed, Cheap and bitter Packets of brown Grit--like dirt. Juxtaposed With a walk, My eyes creep Open. And I decide I'll just get... Continue Reading →
"... I think today is the day." These are the words my mother said this morning, after she woke me up to help her find her pain pills. Last night my oldest sister decided to purchase her a new sorter for the meds she now has to take, everyday--so upon waking up, her confusion was... Continue Reading →
When you're depressed, You're missing out. Life doesn't stop. Death doesn't stop. Cancer doesn't stop. Yet, your demeanor Dwindles to a speck Of what used to be-- Your smile. Your guile. Your wit. Your grip-- Of what matters Outside of yourself-- Diminishes. There is no spark, Unless accompanied By booze, Or pills, Or pot. Your... Continue Reading →
We are given so much, a crutch we take advantage of. And rarely consider, one day our chance will be completely up. We fight when we should embrace, face to facing our fates. And place blame where kisses could erase frivolous debates.
Like the one My dad stuffed With his gun, That time I thought... Like the one I found his stash Of stems and seeds, The last sack he bought. Like the one That sits in my office, Fifteen years later, Visitors sit in that chair. * Like the one My sister bought She brought it... Continue Reading →
It's back I have the flame To prove it. It burns The skin, Unthinkably Torching The unfeeling The undead. I picked a flower Simultaneously Throwing it Back down To the ground. Unnecessary Spoils Of war.
I went out last night with a couple friends for karaoke and a few drinks. After picking up the crew, I decided to partake in a 300ml brownie to take my mind off the shit life I've seemed to find myself in... I WAS sober for 2 weeksThe entire night and my choices were a... Continue Reading →
I cried all night And into the morning. I woke up late And into reality. Puffy eyes mean Double the eyeliner. Puffy eyes mean Today's tears come easy. Too easy at work Too easy in the mirror Too easy with side hugs Too easy like this storm. And it feels like hail.
My stomach is telling me that I'm hungry, but at my pill pusher appointment today my weight was down 10 pounds. He also increased my Zoloft 50% because of the depression. It's not that I'm trying to lose weight, but it was nice that I didn't have to do any work. Waste not, want not:... Continue Reading →
When was the last time I pondered my physical comfort in regards to my mental state? NeverCan you ever be clear-headed when depression and anxiety transcend and gyrate? DoubtfulIt seems, these tingles--the pins and needles are a substrate, commingling with my nerves. MenacingWaking, just to ponder the discomforting sweats, days after my last drops were... Continue Reading →
I hope. Because hope is all I have left. Nothing solidified. Constantly waning through Overdrawn accounts Undervalued character Overused emotions Underused meds Overwhelming doubt Underwhelming encounters Overzealous opinions Underdeveloped romance. Here's to hoping.
A few nights back I did something I never thought I had in me... I stabbed the Sheetrock with a pair of scissors, out of general, full blown, tear-filled... RAGE. My response was first shock, at my ability to do something so unlike me... secondly, I chose a different tool, a 14 inch paint brush,... Continue Reading →
Last night I drank. Facebook traffic was high. My Snapchat score increased. I drunk text a man. *Insert involuntary giggle* This morning I woke up. I re-read my posts, Social and blog comments, I deleted a few, Out of embarrassment. No one needs to hear every, Single Solitary Selective Section Of my Soul.
My mother has cancer. I don't get paid to work. My mother funds me. My habits lack respect * Why would you neglect that which nourishes you? * My mother has cancer I'm interviewing for jobs My mother has a tumor behind her eye My depression tries to care. * Why the fuck does she... Continue Reading →
It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I found that I can't. And if purple is the color for lovers, Why do I despise it so? I barely know myself. My potential is dying. I'm only good at Crying Smoking Lying-- to myself, Enemy Number One.
With your stolen pants. With your sideways glance With your resting bitch face Such a silly fucking girl-- With your thick eye liner With your unhealed shiner With your need for personal space Such a silly fucking girl-- With your sad blue eyes With your evening cries With your busted, breaking, broken heart. Such as... Continue Reading →
I'm learning to love myself again, again. Again. But it's doubtful I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin. Confusion Is insurmountable, because I have been adored at times Ultimately, I'll slip back into my unprecedented confines. Intimately, Acknowledging every inadequate body and smile line.. It's asinine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE8mWOgMpP8 I haven't figured out what love is. Have you? I doubt I am a sociopath, so that's not My delay. What's yours? I mean, I love this song, But it doesn't love me back. A man loves this song, and If it reminds him, of me-- What does that mean? I don't even... Continue Reading →
We both medicate to get through the day. But I don't feel his, fully. Might he diminish mine, early? We both shut down in our own way. But our times are off And it is so early on. How do we traverse these waves? The ebb and flow pulsates, picks up and vibrates my soul,... Continue Reading →
But I was asking, When I put on the first coat of red nail polish. I was asking, For something different, something adventurous in our minds. I put the second coat on and didn't bother with a top coat. Is this where I went wrong? At 33, you'd think I'd be prepared... I'm terrible at... Continue Reading →
If I ceased to exist, how would you know? As you've noticed, I have these bouts of silence when I'm not proud of myself, but content in just getting by with a lackadaisical existence. To think, this time last year, you, my readers were my best friends--my lifeline--I've told you this. My Crocodile tears Fall... Continue Reading →
I met him because of the internet. Our proximity had something to do with it. Social media lets me fall in love with tiny bits of his life-- his days, his memories. We don't really have much, yet. Though both our days include medicating-- that's new. In person his demeanor is subtle, yet so striking,... Continue Reading →
Sitting down at 10pm. Today is still yesterday. The depressed and anxious Mind erases the colored pencil Lines designed by the heart.
Three glasses of cab, at the bar-Inadvertently, And that was just Monday.... just twenty-four hours ago, Those hours spent swallowing, now--Tuesday. Sleepless at best; without wine; enduring-Lacking. Suspense, still, soon.... Today will be Yesterday Tomorrow, the past. Everyday, making mistakes.
But I'm not sure who I am anymore. Am I really this unfeeling? Or is it just an act? Self preservation? Evolution? Regurgitation? Indignation? Subjugation? In summation--I..., I guess I care Not. Not to ponder. Not to react--add, Or subtract. If it's blatantly Stabbing me, I am too numb Or tired Or intoxicated To feel... Continue Reading →
Or I guess I should say, "here I am." I wrote Black Nail Polish on January 10th, 2018. It was my very first blog post and it felt so unbelievable to be honest and uncensored. Tomorrow, being a year later(today for some of you), I feel a bit of nostalgia... but not much, as the... Continue Reading →
I've always been "the nice girl". That's how people from primary and secondary school describe me, on those random occasions when my social anxiety barely allows me to understand their words. I'm definitely not the same girl; not that they'll ever find that out. In my online dating profile on Tinder, I describe myself as... Continue Reading →
And it screams at me. "You're not winning." "You're not willing." "You're not fruitful." Yet I bleed I cry I indulge I'll die Like you. While you... Continue to judge me.
They hate my moments of happiness. Disregarding this Depression. * I can't blame their pressurizing hate Literally can't. Ignorance. * Judgement I'll save it for them. I'll be content, better, in the end.
Haha! But oddly, no more Dollars short In juxtaposition With the rest. Hours late. Minutes crumbling Under the weight Of missing serotonin. Bleh. Blatant. Indignation. Past life With Present life. Hypocritical At best.
And it has been over 2 months since my last rambles, but I think I'm ready to talk again. Time is just a number we juxtapose with others. My pill pusher upped my Zoloft to 100mg; Buspar down to 15mg; my Xanax intake is down 30% since I last wrote. That familiar old numb feeling.... Continue Reading →
Getting back on my full medication regimen today. It's been weeks since my doses have been taken as prescribed. I guess I hope I imagine... Things will get better.
It has been a while since I lost my insurance. It has been a while since I felt emotions. Tomorrow I will struggle to get the cash for my pill pusher appointment and the coinciding medications. Tomorrow I will get back on the regimen I had before the lapse in stability. Today I have poured... Continue Reading →
I'm late, 28 minutes as I write this sentence. I've had 2 cups of coffee, My makeup is half done I haven't worn my glasses Since I was last blasted By the depression. Happy Monday...
It's breathing right now. I just picked her up. Garage sale money. • I'm breathing right now. Earlier, life attacked. Weekend bender. • I'm heaving life around Like I'm drowning. Mental Inadequacies. • I'm leaving, letdown By my decline. My serotonin inhibitors. • I'm grieving, system shutdown An emotional imp. A tragic liar. • I'm... Continue Reading →
But I didn't. I let it slip my mind And now I am Powerless. • Attack Attack Attack • But I didn't I got home late--early? For today: 2pm is 8am. Abstractness. • But I didn't So I chew up a Xanax, Now, 5pm is 11am-- Affectlessness. • Attack Attack Attack • But I didn't.... Continue Reading →
And it's really weird. All I get is irritated Or Satirically exhilarated. Leaving my date To surmise my mind Must be extremely aggravated At him or his existence. But it's all just numbing The monotony of this file Of depression I've succumbed to.
My insurance is no longer active and I called to refill my prescription on Thursday. My pill-pusher won't see me without an appointment--I cannot afford therapy without insurance. Isn't life grand? When in a drought, you might die of thirst. Without Xanax I'm fine, I guess. After 5 years of panxiety attacks, I've learned that... Continue Reading →
The sheer thought of a universe-- Crashes down on my shoulders Like a large body on an old mattress. It's flows, forgetting to ebb And steals away my breath Continuous waves, crippling my neck. Because in that universe is a diversity-- Burrowing into our perceptions of why We are here, it scares me: My fractured... Continue Reading →
Don't worry, She's safe: That girl inside of me. I hurry, But she'll Be there to slow me. She needed A break From my muffled surroundings. I needed A break From her feeling shenanigans. She's tough And so am I I feel it in our inconsistencies I feel That I'll feel In time, with full... Continue Reading →
And the Panxiety attacks like to show up when I'm running late and only halfway through applying the first coat of nail polish. Your hands begin to shake as your vision blurs. You pray to hold steady long enough to get the full first coat completed. There is always a waiting period. There are always... Continue Reading →
I'm still not collecting Or connecting Emotions or attachments This week. *• I told my best friend "I would die so you Could live," last week. She has a son. *• I only have a few Degrees and some Ramblings With my name in script. *• I've killed 5 months of progress In less than... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious body fights the mind and the heart and the arms, legs, feet, brain, lungs, lips, eyes, liver, shoulders, neck, nerves, ankles(at least mine; damn sciatic nerve), calves, thighs, fingers and toes. Because that is what a chemical imbalance does.
I still haven't made my bed, none of the pillows have cases, the sheets are tossed about on the floor, at the foot of the bed., and the comforter acts more like a body pillow than a cover. Rain, hail and tornados are roaming the flat space that is Kansas this evening. One of my... Continue Reading →
I woke up at 8am and leisurely made my first cup of coffee. I took my coffee out to the garage, let the dogs out and lit my second cigarette of the day. I'd woke up at 5, a few hours earlier and opened a fresh pack before heading back to my unmade bed (my... Continue Reading →
The depressed and anxious mind condemns the chemical imbalance as the body performs its continuous combative criticisms.
It never felt quite so real until I found out I was "clinically depressed" and it completely makes sense. The first bout lasted for the final eight months of 2017, but this one is different. For four weeks, I've been numb. I drink on the weekends and make people laugh at the bar. I forget... Continue Reading →
I'm hard I'm callous I'm jaded And I could care less. I think. I comprehend I nightmare But nothing brings me stress. I'm here I'm aware I'm not scared But I'm full of brokenness And I could really f**king care less.
I've had a few bad days, three weeks to be exact. I use the NBA Playoffs as an excuse--I dash down to the bar, ingest whiskey neat, by the double. I've found myself running into troubles but it has no effect on me. What affects me is the imbalance of serotonin, or Zoloft, or this... Continue Reading →
I'm not so sure how "strong" I have been the last fourteen days, but my nails have not been black. All fingers and toes in Rhapsody Red. I don't hate it anymore--it's growing on me. Red is thought to symbolize a variety of things: A gnat just landed on my screen, I smashed it, involuntarily... Continue Reading →
🖤🖤🖤🖤 An Ode to a Black Rose. • Permanence Is beautiful And horrifying And Stagnant • Anarchist At best And worst; Always Aflame • Abnormal Modified Collaborating To Conspire • Permanence Is Self-Deprecating And Convivial; My Black Rose. 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I think 4 months of black Nail Polish was necessary and productive but lacking progression. The... Continue Reading →
🎼I have no insides. 🎼 No worries I'm not exploring my fate. I'm dissolved In cynicism and hate. 🎼Thank God for the music.🎼 I'm aggressive In my mind and open mouth. No bothers I'm numb to their failing shouts. 🎼No thoughts, no prayers can bring back what's no longer there.🎼 No thoughts Can regroup my... Continue Reading →
Today, I hate too much. It sucks. I can't eat a bite without Spitting it back out. I had 3 pieces of sushi On Saturday. A bite of a cookie Yesterday. 3 shots of whiskey Maybe it was 5... 2 shots of tequila 6 or 10 or 15 beers 6 glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon Over... Continue Reading →
So of course my readers will know what today is. Last year it was on a Monday. I've been blessed with this Sunday to focus, once again on me--my thoughts. I researched the date: 1992 Deadly riots erupt in Los Angeles 53 people died in the riots, which started after the acquittal of the 4... Continue Reading →
But after 30 days of planning I'm not. I'm sitting alone, listening to Atlas. You're there Seeing our concert alone. 🎼How do we make this heartbeat on and on?🎼 I'm here Continually thinking "what if?" What If-- I were there? Would we smile? Would we hug? Would we plunge Into the depths of life together?... Continue Reading →
Believe it or not, I WAS NOMINATED FOR THE MYSTERY BLOGGER AWARD! Kate over at The Colour of Madness nominated me for the award and I am so happy to have her in my WordPress community. I find a solidarity with her each time I read a new blog post she has written. We are... Continue Reading →